Out and In...the Friend Zone

Nearly a decade ago, I went through a divorce and started dating for the first time as an adult. When friends suggested I write about my experiences, I started a blog. I have been "revisiting" some of my former exploits lately, and decided to share, using my real name, for the first time.

This piece was first published in March, 2013. Edits have been made for clarity and continuity.

I have two dates this week – the first one is tonight.

At the moment, I am having some indecision about my wardrobe. Tonight’s guy is The Librarian and he has me in the “friend zone” (an upcoming topic,) but manages to send out some pretty mixed signals. We had sex once in November and it was…promising. He was very responsive and quite attentive and for “first time sex” it was pretty good. Nothing fancy, but I would totally give him another go. Let’s put it this way: we look GREAT together on paper. He’s very much my type in terms of being smart, liberal, geeky, goofy, sexy with a little bit of meat on his bones and I have never met anyone in the world who gets all my references like he does. Not even my ex husband. No kidding. He picks up everything. It’s often startling and it’s sometimes a bit like I’m dating myself. (Mmm..hot!)

So why do we only work on paper? We also laugh and talk for hours in person when we get together. But getting together can sometimes be a challenge because he’s quirky. Like…doesn’t respond to half of his texts or emails and doesn’t like to talk on the phone. He also has social phobias (yet can be the life of the party if you can get him to go.) I also think he compensates for the social phobias with a bit too much booze. And maybe he’s also in love with his coworker. All those are factors in keeping him in “the friend zone” though, if he pulled his head out of his ass I could totally see falling for him HARD. But I’m a realist and I know that our timing is off and I am also enjoying dating many other fellows right now. Plus, the head in the ass thing persists.

We’ve had very direct conversations about dating and how he really, really likes me, thinks I’m awesome, loves hanging out with me, has a ton in common with me…but there’s not “a spark” – okay, fine. My dance card is pretty full anyway, but I really do like you as a person, regardless. In fact, we both agreed that even if the relationship stuff doesn’t happen we could totally see becoming best friends.

…and yet…there’s still residual sexual tension when we’re together. Oh, and he likes to sleep with me. Without having sex. (So perplexing! So frustrating!) Our get-togethers are often date-like in nature. Last week he insisted on paying and complimented my hair, outfit and nails. The three nights that he has spent at my house as a friend? He’s had the option of sleeping in the guest room but asked to sleep with me instead. He’ll give or accept a massage or having my feet on him while we sleep, or I’ll wake up with his thighs pressed up against my naked butt…but nothing! I’m telling you, it’s super weird!

I think I have a healthy and realistic perspective – this is someone that I like and would like to have a friendship with. I wouldn’t mind fucking him because I am attracted to him, but I know that any weirdness in our relationship (such as us being asexual snuggle buddies,) is not me, it’s him. He’s weird. And yet, I like him. Now don’t lecture me – I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket! I just like him and we have fun. Belly laugh kind of fun. Regardless of the weird other shit.

Anyway, I was supposed to have a big meeting this morning that got canceled. I asked The Librarian if we could get together this evening since I will be in his neighborhood and also because I wanted to pick his brain after the meeting. He’s very smart and makes a good sounding board for puzzling out issues. We agreed to meet for a happy hour and I had planned to wear a skirt or dress and heels – actual “girl clothes” that he has never really seen me in before. But since my meeting was canceled (a fact which I shared with him,) I have no reason to dress up…well, other than the date that’s not a date. So here’s where I am right now: I would like to dress up and get a little girly/sexy for him. Maybe a little leg, a little heel…might serve to remind him that I am a fuckable female friend and not just a friend. And yet, since we are “just friends” I don’t want him to think that I dressed up just for him. Ugh! So now I’m being a stupid girl and over-thinking it!

Meanwhile, I bought a great pair of shoes to go with my favorite Spring dress and I’m trying to break them in by wearing them around the house with my night shirt. Imagine me in 5-inch burgundy heels and a blue striped night shirt while I unload the dishwasher! It's a sight to behold!

So, I have to go figure out my clothes for the “friend date” tonight. And maybe pack an overnight bag with a change of clothes just in case…