I've never been the sharing type. Not openly to people anyway, not unless they blatantly ask. It's not my style to be so bold. (See previous post on bottling up emotions :'D ) I like to write. Put pen to paper and get my thoughts out on the table for me to finally make sense of. In the absence of real privacy, I like to tap away at my laptop's keys and vent. I can save and change things then, and come back to them when I can think of a way to say what I mean. I don't like to delete and rewrite stuff I've already saved though, then I feel like I'm betraying the feelings I had in those moments. They were raw and real, and needed saying.
We experience many forms of loss in our lives. Loss of relationships, loss of time, and loss of loved ones. Loss is not easy. But it is a necessary part of our lives.
When I was younger, I remember, I didn’t believe in God.
I was just 25 years old when I lost both of my parents.
It was exactly a month before my 18th birthday when my brother got shot. 2 AM on the 1st of March we had police officers knocking on our front door. We were told no specifics, given no piece of mind. My mother sobbed while driving to the hospital. I looked out the window, praying that it wasn’t the end. It couldn’t be the end.
Play SAVE YOUR SEAT on Sound Cloud.
Almost 14 years ago, we got married in New Orleans. It was four days before Hurricane Katrina came through and we ended up losing everything. But we fought through it and managed to come out on top. Little did we know that in 201,5 she would have been diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of uterine cancer that would change our life completely.
I thought I saw you sitting there on the bench inside the airport. I was rushing to get put my shoes back on, my coat, make sure everything was in place after going through the Security checkpoint. I look up and there you were sitting with two little kids on each side of you. I could barely breathe, my eyes filled with tears as you turned towards me laughing except it wasn't you.
Grief is an entirely complex and unique illness.
Did I tell you that 18 months ago I had a stroke? I was very lucky, I had no long lasting effects, as I walked out of the hospital able to move freely and talk. But the stroke did leave a long lasting scar, as it terrified the rubbish out of my immediate family and when I returned home, they began to act as if I was an invalid. They did not want me to drive or resume my independence as it was before my stroke. Yet they went on living their lives without me. I sat recuperating on the couch with various magazines and the television clicker, very lonely and frustrated. I became depressed with a lot of anxiety, which was being treated with various antidepressants along with my blood thinners and medications to treat the stroke.
I fight with whether writing about this is distasteful, but that’s just a storm in my brain, and I have to at least try to weather this storm.