This feels like drowning. My head is light and my breathing is shallow but steady. Is this what it’s like to die?
“His skin was black as charcoal”—that's what my Mom used to say about my brother, I was light skinned compared to him, which was funny because I really wasn't that light skinned, but standing next to him you could see a difference. His nose was broad and strong. He reminded me of those warriors my dad showed us in his comics. His eyes were a beautiful dark brown and his teeth white and pearly, almost perfect.
If only… I had been there a moment sooner. It’s my fault, there’s nothing that can be done now. Her lifeless body dangles effortlessly from the noose that creaks from time to time. You can see the cut she made in her throat with the knife that now lays on the ground. The noose obviously was too slow for her and she wanted a quicker death. My eyes meet hers as I stare into her empty vessel. I wonder what it’s like to see your empty body while you float away to a paradise beyond imaginable. The only thing I want for my sister is for her to be in a better place. She was suffering from major depression, but this wasn’t the way for her to die. Out of the many ways to end her life here on Earth, she chose to kill herself. I break my stare and I look down at the ground. It’s too much to bear. Water starts forming on the inner corners of my vibrant blue eyes. Choking down the screams that want to escape; I collapse onto my knees. It’s getting harder to breathe, everything is blurry. My pants are getting drenched, but in what? My eyes venture to my curiosity of the wetness I am feeling on my legs. Red… all I see is red. Then it hit me… I’m sitting in my sister’s blood. Fear floods my brain, but I’m paralyzed, I am too stunned to move. Everything I have kept bottled up inside me now rushes out of me like a dam that has just been open. My blood curdling screams fill the empty room. Over and over, my hands pound the ground, making the blood splash all over me. Tears fall to the ground.
There is no real secret to it, and everyone deals with it in a different way. But at the end of the day, everyone has or will have to go through this heartbreaking journey. I still am. It will almost be a year since my grandma had passed away. Not a day goes by in which she doesn't cross my mind. June 22nd, two days before my birthday too. What I'm going to say is obviously not universal. Again, these tips may or may not work, it all depends on the individual. However, if I'm being honest, I wish I knew this during the first few days of feeling the true feeling of loss.
Ten things losing my mum taught me:
Hey! I hope everyone is having a lovely day!
Anyone who’s ever looked at buying house knows how ridiculously expensive it is. And if you’re a millennial like me, then you’ll know it’s all your fault. But still it’s a sound investment so my wife and I decided to go for it. We couldn’t afford to save up whilst we were still paying full rent and bills so my mother-in-law very kindly suggested we move in with her whilst we save up.
My brother, he was my friend, my protector, father figure. When I lost him it felt like I lost everything, he passed away in September 2017. That day was the worst time of my life, it’s like I felt it. I felt it was coming, something inside me kept saying his name as I sat at my desk. I looked at his picture and just smiled. My mom called in the frantic, most hysterical mood that I have ever heard. All I remember are the words, “Marvin, your brother, my baby... gone."
Imagine waking up in a three bedroom home, with two older brothers and two older sisters. That was my life when I was enjoying my adolescent years. My brothers were always out and about, as well as my sisters. Being the baby of the family was pretty chill... but it gets pretty lonely even though we had both parents in the home I still felt a bit, lonesome, if I can say.
It is every child’s fear; the loss of a parent. I don't think we lose that fear. I tried to push it aside often. The "what will I do? How will it feel? Will I survive it?"