You Should Sleep Together Because You're Married.

"Do you love your husband?"

This is a question I get asked by people who have known that we have been married since 1999.

These people who ask, don't understand why I don't sleep with my husband, and personally it is none of their business, anyway.

On the other hand, I get comments on social media from both men and women, who can't understand why you wouldn't sleep together if you were married for all of these years.

One commenter whose name I will keep anonymous said that she would continue sleeping with her husband, even if he was unwell.

However, she failed to grip the extent of my husband's disabilities, which are the reason as to why I don't sleep with him.

Therefore, I have made the choice to write about this, so that I can clarify the situation.

It has always been a tradition for generations that husband and wife should be sleepinog together.

However, there are some medical conditions that are exempt from this tradition, and there are many others who are carers to their husband or wife, who could most likely relate to what I am about to say.

This has been primarily written for those who hold traditions so long that they fail to understand my situation, or even try to.

My husband has a lot of disabilities that cause him a lot of extremely painful symptoms. Whilst these are being managed by certain medications, they do not keep the pain at bay at night.

He also has severe tremors which can cause him to violently and impulsively kick out his legs without knowing it, which was landing myself with getting hurt, and at times bruised in the legs, and in the back.

These tremors occur during the day aswell as at night.

They can go on all day, and all night.

There are times when he will impulsively slap things, including himself because of them, and at times he has slapped me.

This is not purposeful, it is due to a lack of muscle control due to brain cancer surgery which occured in the early 70s.

This surgery was very different to the surgery that is performed today. The link I have provided will only tell you about recent surgery which is very different to what my husband's surgery was back in his days.

Even the professional team involved with him do not know everything about my husband's surgery, but they do know that because he was barely four years old, he is lucky to have survived it.

I can tell you that this surgery left my husband with some severe brain damage due to the trauma, and procedures involved in that surgery.

Sleep Paralysis is one of those problems.

Whilst it is not always seen as dangerous, in my husband's case, it is.

He has night terrors which lead to the paralysis, which can cause him to grab me, dangerously, or even punch me at times.

I just want to reassure you, that he knows I'm writing about this, and is happy for me to do so.

There was a time before the doctor became involved, when he literally jumped on top of me in his sleep, and grabbed my throat because of this severely distressing medical condition.

It is distressing for both of us.

Now, for those people who hold us in disgust for not doing what they call 'normal.'

Tell me something, would you purposefully put yourself in danger, just because the so-called 'traditional rules of marraige' told you too?

I'm guessing no.

Everyone has a right to be safe, and a ring on your finger does not take that right away, ever.

I spend a lot of my time helping my husband who also now uses a wheelchair outdoors.

I often have to help him do things such as moving, getting up from a seated position, or the bed when he cannot move, help him make drinks and cook safely, manage housework, help him to recognize when the pain and shaking is very bad, encourage him to a hospital/doctor, wake him up when his meds make him oversleep, and help others understand what he is saying because sometimes his speech is a problem for him.

There are times when I can be awake all night, even when sleeping in my bed in another room because these dreams and the pain terrify him.

Now, let us talk about his feelings.

Whilst my husband gives me permission to share these stories, he does so because he wants to raise awareness for others who may have been through what he has endured.

He was a nurse working in a variety of high positions in mental health for over 31 years.

He has saved a lot of children and adults including me from hurting themselves, and he has lived through many horrors where those people could not be saved.

Despite his condition, he continued to work in that position of which he loved for a very long time.

He used to be my carer many years ago, and now he feels guilty because I'm his carer, and he feels bad about not being able to work or do the things he used to do, including for not being able to sleep with me.

These changes have been very difficult for both of us to adjust to, because we have gone from suddenly sleeping together as a married couple for decades, to suddenly not being able to, due to disabilitie.

But, here is a sharp point...

We still love each other as strongly as we did before those disabilities, and it continues growing stronger, every day.

We do not love each other any less just because we are not sleeping together.

Yes, we miss the intimate moments of being able to kiss, cuddle and make love when we slept together, but we make up for those moments during the day.

My husband misses having me in bed with him at night, as much as I miss having him in bed with me at night.

When people tell us that we should sleep together because we are married, the miss the point when we try explaining why we don't do that.

They think what we are doing is wrong, and often they assume the worst, even though they do not know us that well.

Some men and women assume we have broken up, and the men are the worst for assuming that I need a bit on the side just because we are not having sex often.

Some women even go as far as thinking that I can't meet my husband's needs.

I'm here to say that this is so wrong, and these views are extremely stigmatizing to both myself and my husband; including the many other carers who are in the same boat.

Can you begin to imagine how it must make myself and my husband feel, when I who gets this more than often is asked if I need sex with another man or woman, just because we can't sleep together?

It should not even be a question, full stop.

It's nice when people show caring, like offering a listening ear, or support with daily tasks, and we are truly appreciative of those people.

However, it is truly disgusting, and bordering on the offensive when you are telling us that there is supposedly something wrong with the fact that we don't sleep together.

Especially when you do not know how dangerous that can be for us.

I'm not going to ask.

I'm going to tell you; Please step back, and think before you speak because pressuring someone who is caring for her husband into doing something she can not do, or pressuring for sex just because we can't sleep together, is not just wrong.

It is disgusting.