That New York Apartment.

I never thought that I would be here I am today. I had so many reasons to run. Of course leaving hurt. It hurt like nothing else in the world and I was supper scared. I was so tired of being the girl that I was. I felt stuck in the place that most others think is so freeing. I’m sorry that I left but it was for the best even though something always felt odd. I watched the city change. I don’t know New York anymore. Someone had to have left first. I knew deep down that it would be me. I don’t think the people I loved knew that I was going to leave the way I did but I knew when I was young that I wouldn’t stay in the city. I did the minimum anyone asked me, always shouting but not to loud. Just trying to blend in with the rage of NYC.

I’m a pretty good ghost. I leave good. I leave how I found it. I left in my nicest jewelry and my pajamas. I went quickly and quietly. I’m sorry for leaving but someone had too. I was so focused on running away I almost forgot what I was running too. I kept thinking that I am flawed if I wasn’t free. Even though I left I still had the feeling like I was in that apartment every time I hear a man yelling.I knew that running away wasn’t going to heal my pain but it was worth a shot. I was ready to spend the rest of my life running if I had too. That apartment didn’t feel like home anymore. The apartment where A lot of good memories happened in was just an apartment now. I still remember the thing my mentor told me that finally pushed me over and made me leave. “Maybe you need to book a plane ticket, leave you will never do it and maybe that is exactly what you need.” So I booked a flight as far away as I could for less than 300 bucks. I finally thought about all of the work I did to get where I am today and it didn’t get me anything. I was doing everything I could to get better but I didn’t feel any better.

There was so much love in that apartment it broke my heart to leave it. Being a person doesn’t come naturally to me the way it seemed for others. People who were so sure of themselves awed me. I studied them and tried to mimic their ease but something never felt right. I am sorry that I left but it was totally for the best. I changed so much but I miss the old me more than I thought I would. I wasn’t afraid of taking the money and what was left of my dignity and getting the heck out. The friends I left behind don’t know what to say.Every time I go back to NYC, I just get angry. I think about everyone I left behind and the people I’ve lost. I never slow down because if I do I and I am all alone, it feels like everything is falling down.Leaving that city changed the helplessness in me. I never pictured me not in that city until I was halfway out the door of that apartment building on the upper east side. When I think about it too much, I could swear that my childhood dog is still a live or that my dead best friend wants to grab a coffee. And I can breathe a little bit easier.