My Only What If

When I was 18 and about to move half way across the country, there was a boy. A boy who begged me to stay. We loved each other very much but the urge to do better was more. He wanted me to stay cause then I would be safe. I wanted to be the one to finally get out. When people ask me if I regret anything, I don’t know how to answer. I don’t regret leaving but I do regret how I left. I went to his apartment to say goodbye to his sister. He wasn’t supposed to be home but he was and he saw me as I was leaving. We stared at each other. He asked me why I wasn’t going to say anything. I said I’m sorry but don’t you remember how you told me that I was better than this neighborhood. So I got on the plane. I left the way I left for a reason. I knew that if I spoke to him that I would have stayed. there wasn’t a lot that I wouldn’t do for him but I needed this more.

The next time he saw me, I was waiting for a friend to get coffee. I heard someone say baby. I turned around and there he was. He looked like he aged 10 years and it was only 10 months. He said that he missed me and reached out for a hug. So I hugged him. It felt the same as always. I don’t bring up the drunk voicemail he left. The one where he begs me to marry him and that he loved me. I still have it on my phone. We make plans to catch up even though we both know that it is probably a bad idea. When I left I changed. He was still the same sunshine person. He was a little bit different though. It was in the eyes. You could tell something was wrong or off.I guess it isn’t my place to say anything anymore.

I told him I wanted to make a difference, so he got wasted AND shut me down. I do not think that he will ever leave that city. Our love was threatened, a burning building, a broken neck, but nothing since me and him felt like love.. Even now I can't help myself but look for him in every crowed room. I didn't know how to leave peacefully. I know I don't have to be sorry for leaving but a part of me is, When I was away things weren't bad. I had some great times. I was having fun but on the inside I had no idea who I was. I was happy the day I got on the plane but a part of me still feels awful for leaving. I still think about what would happen if I had stayed. In my soul I knew that it was time to go. We lived and we learned. It took some time to realize that we were never really meant to be.I lied and watching a part of him die. I tried to fix the things I hated by leaving but I still felt so insecure and guilty. It breaks my heart if I think about it for too long. We were too young to be dealing with all of the crap that we have been through. We didn’t communicate properly and it all came too much. We have been here before. I have a lot of regret about leaving but I would not change a single thing about it.