Paused

"I've always wanted to wander as we did this evening. From Coolum Beach to Noosa. Explore Hastings Street, then wander back. At our slow and steady pace, hand in hand," she said with gentle gratitude.

She paused, "Never forget how much I love you."

"Of course, I know! What a wonderful way to end our one-week stay at the 'Castaway' beach house, hey?" He replied with unbridled affection.

"And what a house!" she responded, projecting her delight.

"More photos and videos to mark our ever-evolving memories together," continuing his reverie. They both reflected on the significance of time and date stamped.

"I missed one photo! Can you keep the car idling, and I'll run back there? It will only take one minute," she said, a little flustered.

"Ok, but I'm not comfortable letting you go alone at this time of night," concern echoed in his voice.

'Relax! Set your iPhone stopwatch for one minute, and I'll set mine. Now, keep a very close eye on those seconds. You'll see!" She laughed, alighting from the car.

“Start!”

She moved with haste around the curve on the boardwalk to the location imprinted in her mind.

She admired her yellow low cut Converse that he had purchased to complement her cotton free-flowing floral patterned dress. He had slowly helped her rediscover her femininity. She was becoming the the woman she once was. A woman with colour.

She sat down briefly, removed her shoes and, stretched her legs, then quickly wiggled her toes in the soft, cool sand.

It seemed, in stillness, that one minute could exist beyond all adherence of time.

Now, to photograph their next memory, time and date stamped.

On track at 35 seconds, it was time to return to her beloved in the car.

Waiting in the car, he felt an increasing sense of foreboding.

Then, he received a text message. One minute stopwatch set; a time check confirmed 37 seconds had elapsed, and he sighed with relief.

The photo was attached, and he gasped at the beauty captured. “Title: Moment of pause. Never forget how much I love you."

Filled with joy, he locked the car.

He felt an urgent need to meet on her return.

He finished the last of his warm sweet cafe latte from the 7/11 and tossed the cup in a nearby bin. Then meandered along the curve on the boardwalk, keen to embrace her to demonstrate his deep and abiding love.

He found the location and checked his stopwatch. 40 seconds had elapsed.

Before him, thrown afar in the sand towards the quietly lapping incoming tide, he spotted her yellow low cut Converse.

After collecting her shoes. Time check: 50 seconds.

He looked around.

Where was she?

He felt instant frantic panic.

He screamed her name. Then again and again as he stood on the boardwalk.

She was gone, vanished.

He looked at his stopwatch. It had reached one minute.

Shattering the 'Moment of pause.'

*

He rang 000 and asked in a trembling voice for an urgent response from the police.

As instructed, he stayed connected to the call and awaited further instructions.

He took a few steps back and sank on a park bench, thankful he had his 30-pack of Rothmans Blue and his Zippo. A 'One year we made it, yeah!' anniversary gift.

Due to the circumstance and the distress of the emergency call, two Police Officers and two Detectives were assigned by the Lieutenant at the Coolum Police Station.

They arrived with sirens in 15 minutes, and asked for her drivers license. One of the Police Officers stayed to comfort him.

The Detectives established by using the CCTV recording from the nearby 24 hours MacDonalds fast-food restaurant, a man was clutching her wrist with ill intent. He forced her to run across the road. She was crying and in a highly distressed state.

In close proximity was a thoroughfare to the car park behind.

The remaining Police Officer and Detectives recognised the deafening and terrifying sound.

With extreme caution, they approached the darkened arcade.

Torches alight, following the ivy grown atop the 6 ft wooden fence. Carefully advancing towards a painted illustration, which always held an aura of suspicion.

They found the pair slumped on the concrete below.

A murder-suicide hate crime.

The man had sliced her throat, and her mouth was agape. Plus, a thrust to her heart with an illegal ballistic knife.

The male’s brain was spattered against the opposite white painted besser brick wall. His Glock was nearby.

His button shirt lay open; the tattoo on his chest was later confirmed.

It read, “Did you think I'd forget?’’

Investigating her background, they found a previously active five-year Domestic Violence Order enforced 15 years ago to protect her from her former husband.

With the crime scene established and the forensic team underway, the lead Detective excused himself to return to the Police Station to provide an update.

Halfway to his destination, he parked at a local nature reserve and ripped a page from his planner in his car. With a red sharpie, he wrote with a trembling hand.

‘FUCK! ANOTHER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SEPPUKU!’

Was this action ever a release for him? Perhaps. He grasped the steering wheel and sobbed.

*

The Police Officer called an ambulance for her fiancé, as his torment and suffering skyrocketed.

After a thorough check of his medical health in the Emergency Department, he was sedated and moved to a short-stay ward. An experienced Registered Nurse accompanied him in a private room—an urgent request from the Psychiatry Consultant.

What lay ahead could cause a switch to a suicide risk.

The following day the Consultant Psychiatrist and the same Nurse were present. Ready for the two Detectives to arrive and break the gruesome news.

*

When her body was released, he returned to Brisbane.

Following her wishes, she was cremated during a small ceremony, including himself with her family. He stood beside her once confident and gregarious 22-year-old son.

All were overwhelmed with grief, loss and disbelief. Underpinned by rage.

Her parents asked him to take her ashes, enshrined in a ceremonial urn. Her Mother whispered in his ear, “She belongs with you son.”

“I have a plan that I would like to discuss with your family.” Afterwards they gave him heartfelt consent.

He bought a shell from the Empire Antique store they had visited many times before.

A Melon Ampura Shell, she had photographed it on their last expedition, date and time stamped.

When home, he poured her ashes into the once-living vessel and placed it on her desk in her small creative studio.

It sat adjacent to her bowl of handmade origami peace cranes. It was a small selection of her morning mindfulness ritual, crafted as she waited for her plunger coffee to cool.

*

His mental health began to rapidly decline. His General Practioner referred him to an experienced and compassionate Psychiatrist, with admission rights to a small Psychiatric Private Hospital.

He bravely endured six months, thankful for his Private Health Insurance.

It was hard work to establish a daily routine with the help of his dedicated Mental Health treatment team.

Plagued by adverse side effects, it took four months for his Psychiatrist to establish an appropriate medication regime.

He was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression.

As an in-patient, he was deemed unable to continue to work due to his complex Mental Illness.

He was able to gain a Disability Support Pension.

*

When he returned home, due to his reduced income he had to sell his unit.

Rather than look for public or affordable housing, his deceased fiance’s parents invited him to build his own small home on their cattle farm just west of Toowoomba.

Such generosity at first rendered him speechless. With a secure home he found some measure of fleeting peace.

*

A year after her murder, his plan discussed with the family, finally came to fruition.

They all came to Coolum Beach on the same date as her murder.

With her now 23-year-old son, they waded into the ocean weeping.

Waist deep, he poured half of the ashes into her son’s cupped hands. They spoke the words of Richard Brautigan's poem:

If I should die before you do

When

you wake up


from death, 


you will find yourself


in my arms, 


and


I will be


kissing you,

and


I 
will be crying.

He left her son to perform his chosen ritual.

For him?

He submerged the shell and let his beloved's ashes disperse.

He returned to the sand, and quietly spoke, reminding himself,

“I am having a human experience.”

*

The evening walk from Coolum Beach to Noosa

Hastings Street Noosa: a moment. Come and explore!

'Castaway' beach house

Excerpt: ‘a painted illustration’

Melon Ampura Shell

Excerpt: ‘A year after her murder’

Pauline Fountain. © 2024. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced without the written permission of the author.