Leave the past behind: A guide to moving on and finding happiness.

There are no written guidelines on how to survive. Sometimes I really believe it, that I am going to save my life. I didn’t realize how suffocating that house could be until I left. All of the doors look like me leaving. I hate how everyone expects me to bounce back like that is so easy. It’s not that simple. Dealing with everything at once can feel overwelming. Many people assume I’m fine so they don’t ask anymore. It’s like I have to put on a happy face for everyone around me even when I am not okay. It’s hard.

I know deep down that it was time for me to make a change and finally leave. I couldn’t keep living in a situation that was holding me back from true happiness. I packed my bags. took a deep breath, and walked out the door ready to start my new life. I know that I hurt people by leaving the way I did. I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. I do not want to think about the ways I hurt the people who loved me the most. I guess that makes me a damn good ghost. I wanted a home one of my own. I got what I wanted it’s just not what I thought it was going to be.

Time was moving forward and I was just being pulled along. I had no clear goals, I wanted a home and a life that didn’t involved New York that was all that I knew. I always thought that I would be the one to stay. Everyone around me thought that I would stay. Looking back at it I probably could have stayed. I didn’t need to change everything about me, I just needed something different. A little a part of me that knew I would though. I have a lot of regret about the way I left and the people I left behind.

I was a very angry after everything that happened. I think a part of me still is. I didn’t have it in me to go the “right” way. Leaving hurt more than just the people I left, It hurt me too. I knew it was time when I looked around and hated everything. Looking back I think my depression played a big part of me leaving. It was really easy to isolate myself that way. It’s nothing new really I was isolating myself as a child as well. I did two things really well anger and Isolation.

Leaving did something good. I wake up in the morning and I’m happy. I can actually eat now. I say I’m doing okay and actually mean it. I never thought that I would be okay before now. Looking back I think that no one knew just how badly I was suffering. I was 16 and drunk 95% of the time. I was spiraling. The difference between now and then is amazing. I take my medication and I talk to a therapist. I’m still working on things and I think that I always will be. At the end of the day there are worse ways to stay. I don’t feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. I can’t really complain about that. Leaving the way I did helped me live life the way I was always supposed too. It took me a long time to get where I am and I have so much respect and love for the people I left behind. I didn’t know what else to do but I am very happy that I did it.