This story takes place at a very confusing point in my life. I was in my awkward teen years when the height of my beauty routine was twisting the front of my hair back and pinning on the top of my head with my favourite turquoise butterfly clip. Despite being fashionably challenged, I desperately wanted to look gorgeous. I wanted to be one of those ‘it’ girls in the magazines that knew how to wear oversized sunglasses in the shape of love hearts, without looking like they were playing dress-ups. More importantly, I wanted to attract a boyfriend. A real boyfriend. One that would be the Romeo to my Juliet.
That woman in the picture is me, Shantel. I am the new female security guard for vastly growing security business. This night I was assigned to work at a luxury apartment building off located Broadway. 12 hour shifts from 7:00 pm until 7:00 am. I was excited and proud of myself for finally getting a good job with benefits, pride, and the pay was definitely an upgrade as well. Before Heading off to work from my home 25 minutes away I quickly ate dinner. I was very careful not to get any of the home-made enchiladas on my new uniform. I knew all 3 of my bosses would be there for the first half of my shift to make sure equipment and the rounds all ran smoothly. I had only met one of them because he was the one that hired me, and could not wait to make a great first impression on the other two. Finishing up the food I took a look in the mirror once more before heading off to work. Feeling confident and in a great mood singing to my playlist all the way there. I park my car in the designated parking and gather my stuff. Walking up to the garage elevator a different feeling suddenly hit me. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling at all. My stomach started making these random noises that sounded like an animal crying for help, must just be nerves. I thought to myself as I went up one floor to meet my bosses in the lobby of the apartments. Pull it together I told myself as the elevator doors opened. I put on a winning smile and walked out trying to ignore the fact that I was feeling sick. The three bosses met me half way in the middle of the lobby. Shaking hands and making introductions I asked if I could use a restroom before we started the walk thru. They directed me to the public bathroom just around the corner from where they were standing. I turned and tried to quickly rush off before my stomach started with the noises again. I was about 2 and a half steps away from disappearing around the corner when all of a sudden it happened. I let out the loudest most nasty sounding fart I had ever witnessed let alone created. The fart propelled me forward a little bit as I ran through the door and quickly into a bathroom stall. I didn’t even have time to completely sit before even louder gas followed by... well let’s just use medical terms explosive diarrhea. Just when I thought the worst part was over more seemed to happen. I am not to sure of how long the whole thing actually lasted but to me, my stomach, and other parts it felt like a life time. Finally the pains and the wired noises stopped. I was feeling better when I realized that I could hear my bosses laughing hysterically. If I could hear them laughing they definitely heard everything that went on. I was so embarrassed. I washed my hands and decided to text my hiring boss giving him an explanation. Mid sentence my phone goes off it’s my boss the text read “We hope everything is okay in there, it sounded pretty rough. Did you eat something that didn’t agree? Either way no need to be embarrassed it happens to all of us. If your okay we can start the walk thru”. I answered back “ok here I come” and walked out of the bathroom only this time not so confident. As I opened the door I spotted several little kids around 5-6 years old and two mothers running up headed for the restroom. I tried to get far enough away, so the kids or mothers would not know who was responsible for the smell. Walking quickly I hear all of them in unison say “GROSS!!” Followed by one of the kids saying “what is that smell? It smells worse then when grandpa uses our bathroom.” They exited faster then they entered gasping for fresh air. My bosses once again are laughing hysterically at the comments made by the kid. Which paused our progress away from the area. One of the kids pointed at me and said “ It was her she did it!” The other children and the moms gave me these unapproving looks that said everything with out saying a word. I could feel my bossy temperature rising and my face getting hotter and turning red. By now my bosses we laughing so hard they were almost crying and I just wanted to run away and never come back. Finally moments later we were able to do the walk thru with out incident. After all equipment was checked and a second set of rounds completed, they were finally ready to leave me alone to do my job. I walked them out of the building as the went over last minute things they forgot to tell me. As they got into their separate cars the main boss yelled back to me “By the way Shantel, don’t worry about that rough start okay. I just want you to know your going to do great you really blew us all away!” I have been working there for almost a year and still get teased for the best first impression ever.
Memoirs of a Clumsy Girl: Sandals and Staircases
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you stop and go huh, how did I manage this? Even after time as passed, the question still pops up and you still aren’t quite sure? Those are the moments that make the unforgettable memories… even if you wish they could be.
We Didn't Start the Fire
How fortuitous that this "(No) Regrets" writing prompt came when it did since one of my more embarrassing moments occurred just yesterday.
The Best Worst First Date... Part 1
I had waited six years for this date. I kid you not. Six years and a lot of pining. Embarrassingly obvious yearning, not only to my high school acquaintances but also to him.
As a child growing up I would somehow found myself in some uncompromising position. These scenarios I normally found myself embarrassed or wishing I was Shaggy 'It Wasn't Me'. Take a chuckle, give me your eyes & take a read or listen;
Are You Talking To Me?
These girls use to come more often. During the last few months of working there, I noticed they came less frequently. I always wondered why. One of them, a glamorous and classy high maintenance type—you know, with the Chanel bag, gel manicure, and hair always done perfectly—came more often than the other. She was a regular. They both were but Ms. Chanel, who styled her silky light brown hair in cohesive waves, was more of a regular than the other.
The Hook Up from Hell
It was 2009, I was 19 years old and visiting my sister at Chico State. I had a fake ID and it was $5 dollar pitcher night at Riley's Bar. We were drinking long island ice teas. This babe I had met prior had invited me over to her apartment as her roommates were out of town. I was wasted, like lazy eyes wasted. I knew I needed to sober up cause this babe was smokin' hot and we were headed to pound town. I went next door and slammed a whole burrito down from Taco's De in hopes to soak up the booze. I even committed to walking the half mile to her apartment to hopefully get more sober. I arrived to her apartment and we immediately went into her bedroom and started to make out on her bed. The room was dark, like I couldn't see much at all. My stomach started rumbling and I quickly felt it turning. I was hoping it was just some big old fart that I could hold in and pass gas in the bathroom later. Unfortunately, that tacos de California burrito had a mind of its own that night and decided it wanted to have its own kind of party in my stomach. I tried my best to ignore my stomach noises and I kept making out with the hottie. My stomach pain continued and got so bad that I knew something unthinkable was about to happen. I told her to hang on for a second and got off the bed, but I knew my stomach wasn't going to hold on much longer. I couldn't make it to the bathroom cause the room was so dark and I couldn't locate the door. Luckily I found the window, a sigh of relief went through me until I couldn't open it. I figured it was probably open so I hoped to throw up out the window. Turns out it definitely wasn’t open was locked closed. Moments later I began to projectile vomit everywhere... and I mean everywhere you can imagine. The ceiling, window, floor, her jewelry box, cd player, clothing, bed, my clothes, everything was covered. But things were not over quite yet. I managed to find the door, ran to the bathroom where I just absolutely destroyed her toilet with explosive diarrhea and then proceeded to clog it. And yes, it was everything you are imagining right now, the sounds of explosiveness and just all around a situation you do not want to be in. I figured that everything had to be pretty much out of my system at this point. So now, there I was, standing in her bathroom with my vomit all over me and a never ever seen before clogged up diarrhea toilet in this girls bathroom. I was absolutely mortified to say the least. I quickly stripped out of my clothes into boxers, and she forced me to help her clean the vom. It was the least I could do so we cleaned it up. I apologized over and over and she still invited me to still spend the night. I appreciated the invitation but I kindly passed, walked back to my sisters in my boxers and puke clothes in hand. I showered and decided to head back to the bars to try to forget what happened. What a absolute blow out of a night this was- in more ways than just one. Fast forward to today, we live in the same small town and I run into her and her family pretty much on a regular basis. However, I know she’s still down to hook up!
I once owned a small dog named Boo. Boo was a quite small long haired dachshund with blue eyes and I, being not large myself, decided we were a good fit. During the early days of becoming acquainted, I discovered that Boo had a playful side. Among the games he enjoyed was grabbing any of my clothes to which he had access and running through the rooms, presumably so that I would give chase. Boo enjoyed this game more than I.
You Didn't Know
I’d know him my whole life. Well, not my whole life, but since I was 13, and how much of your life is really your life before that point? We were star athletes, make you laugh out loud funny, witty kids for whom good grades came easy. Confidence bordering on arrogance – well, more so him than me. But we were unicorns, the both of us – well, me more so than him. We had kissed, maybe more on occasion as we got older, but never dated. We had a chemistry of a quirky nature. Always flirty and fun smiles, but based in the comfort of true friendship. I think it worked because neither of us was someone that the other would want a real relationship with, and you don’t ever have to be anything other than yourself with someone you are never going to be with. We maintained a quiet closer friendship than our distant, public one. As we got older, we would go years without seeing each other. There was never a void when the absence of the other would loom, rather always an assured knowing (without ever thinking about it) in the back of our minds that our paths would cross again.
Chocolate Cream Pie
One day, when I was on the precipice of womanhood, but a wee lamb flowering into lady-dom, circa 2010, I crapped myself in a public park on a hiking trail.
That Elevated Quickly
The elevator doors closed. “All right, Liz. Check this out.” Liz had been having a hard time lately, and as her friend, I saw it as my duty to lift her spirits. Fortunately, I remembered her relating a random fancy of hers while we were gallivanting around town. Liz’s enthusiasm was—and is—infectious; her big brown eyes lit up as she spoke.