My First Week of Dieting

Having been predisposed to obesity since childhood, I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with food, with constant diets and even the occasional eating disorder. During the pandemic, my boyfriend and I gained collectively the weight of a grown child, or a standard ballerina. No morning sickness, no swollen ankles, no labor, POP! Here you go, your own child (in fat). Not a pretty picture, I know, but it’s the truth. Comfort eating, indulging in too many late-night snacks and glasses of wine, lack of exercise, stress, isolation. They all played a part and after one year and a half, the scale started to silently judge us.

So, we did something about it and enlisted the help of a dietician, the same one who helped me years ago on a similar mission for losing weight. Having been on the same road before, you’d think I would have adjusted better than my foody 6ft2 boyfriend, but no, that was not the case. Even though my appetite had been really low for weeks, when faced with restrictions, my pesky brain reared its ugly head and demanded its rights. Which led to a series of unfortunate events.

Here are my top 3 most embarrassing moments:

1. The bread debacle

It was day one of the diet and I had to skip my afternoon snack because of an evening gathering with my work colleagues. In a pub. Quite the perfect setting for my first day, especially when I arrived there already hungry. While everyone was enjoying a cocktail, beer, and a juicy burger followed by a mouth-watering dessert, I had to make do with a vegetable soup and a glass of still water (with a lemon twist). The only saving grace was the thin slice of bread on the side, which was not technically allowed, but in this setting, most necessary for my nerves. I must have gotten one bite of the crispy yummy bread when my boss asked me an ill-timed question, forcing me to put the slice down. I answered with as much patience as possible and turned my attention back to the plate. To my horror, the jerky movement caused by the excitement to get back in the eating game, paired with hunger, made me drop the bread on the floor, thus producing Embarrassing Moment Number 1: getting under the table and eating the previously deliciously baked slice while praying fervently that nobody would notice my hobo act. Spoiler: the Universe must have decided that I’d been punished enough because my sudden absence went surprisingly undiscovered.

2. A thief in the night

Day one of the diet, part two. No, it was not over yet. After finishing my soup and nursing a glass (or two) of water for the better part of the evening I returned home to my boyfriend and cat (Ron Weasley the cat) To say that the soup quenched my hunger would be a massive understatement, but I didn’t want to turn into a crybaby, so I joined my boys in watching a TV show, all the while trying to ignore the concert my stomach was giving. Two hours later, my boyfriend dozed off on the couch, whereas my hunger reached new heights. Deciding that I endured the torture long enough, I went on silent feet to the kitchen, scavenging for something to eat. The odds were finally in my favor because in the middle of the table was the most beautiful croissant in the world, filled with cream cheese and smoked salmon. Leftover from our previous dinner, which my significant other probably pulled from the fridge to throw out. But I was having none of it and instead sat on the chair, praying (again) that nobody will catch me red-handed. And so, dear reader, I give you Embarrassing Moment Number 2: being discovered in the act by the cat, who took advantage of my surprise and lunged at the croissant, pulling a huge bite. There was no winning scenario for me because chasing Ron would have surely resulted in waking up his human dad. So, again, I had to make do with just a taste. After this, I lost all hope in the evening and just went to bad, hungry, dejected, and slightly humiliated.

3. Late night illicit snack behind closed doors

They say that the first day is always the hardest, right? Well, in my experience, every day is a first day. The following weekend, I threw a belated birthday party with four of our closest friends. Where might you ask? That’s right, in a pub. The whole thing was arranged prior to our dieting, and I couldn’t back down. But after consulting the menu, quite a few healthy choices popped up, making me cautiously optimistic. The salmon salad was indeed very tasty and satisfying, more than my partner could say of his order: grilled chicken breast with green salad, which came with french fries instead of a salad, and the smallest portion of meat known to men. However, we managed to work something out (without the offending fries), this is not the scene for a new humiliation. That came at home, many hours later, when the effect of the wonderful salad had long faded. Having indulged in several sweetened lemonades, I wanted to compensate and skip the evening snack. This backfired greatly when late in the evening the internal concert resumed, louder than ever. With my boyfriend not sleeping, and cravings altering my brain, the best option I could come up with resulted in Embarrassing Moment Number 3: stealing a small Kinder bar from the pantry and eating it on the toilet, safe from prying eyes and deftly paws. Not my proudest moment.

Final thoughts

So here you go, the top 3 most embarrassing moments from my first week of dieting. Thankfully, things have gotten better, and the second week has proven more merciful. Keep me in your prayers!

A.M. Radulescu

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This article was meant as a funny, light read. I do realize that it’s wrong to eat off the floor or to basically sabotage your diet by late-night snacking, but cut me some slack. It was a tough week and a lot of my neurons decided to take a leave of absence.

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