Too Much

I dont think there is a time I have ever fit in anywhere. I mean ever.

At four years old, I started gaining weight. My parents had no clue why, so they took me to a hospital to have some tests ran. The tests and doctors said that I was normal.

Through the years, the weight never really came off despite many diets. I remember going to the babysitter before I was even in kindergarten and everyday, my lunch would be a salad.

I had went to elementary school and of course had some bullying, but I had friends and had decided that I wanted to be a junior cheerleader like the other. So we tried out. My parents had known two of the judges that would be watching us and the one had told my parents that I knew the cheers and routines better than some of the girls who were on the squad the year before. The only reason I did not called to be on the squad was because I couldn't do a cartwheel and the head coach said no while all the other judges said yes to me. So definitely a time where I didn't fit in.

Then came middle school. My weight was still an issue, so again, more bullying, but still had the same circle of friends. I would remember being on the bus when I was in 6th grade, going to my babysitters house and the high school kids, only the females would make my life hell. The things that they called me and said to me were horrible. Of course back then, I really didnt say much to them, the bus driver or my parents. When I did say something to my parents, they would say, " You would think that would make you want to change, so they couldn't bully you anymore." It didn't. It made me want to eat more. To comfort myself.

By this time I had started to hide food in my room. I didn't know why. I didn't know why it felt wrong and I didn't know why I felt I needed it in my room, but I just knew I did. Add in puberty and starting to notice boys and I can pretty much say middle school was hell. I did not fit in with anyone really. There might have been a boy or two that was heavier but no girls were my size. I stuck out like a sore thumb.

We started to have school dances and of course no guy ever asked me to dance with him. None. All three years of middle school. Not once. Most of my friends were having their first kiss and I was in my room reading.

I also started to have really bad acne in 7th grade. So bad, nothing helped. We had to go to a dermatologist and get me prescription medicine before it finally started to disappear. No one else at the time really had any pimples, so that also helped me stand out and get teased. The only good part is my acne was under control by the time I started high school, while everyone elses was just starting.

High school came. Still bigger than any girl in my class. The other glaring difference was my mom still had not left me shave my legs. All my other friends started in middle school and she would tell me I was too young. Well, as puberty had started years ago, so did my hair growth. So I definitely had a patch of hair right underneath my knees. Did I mention that my hair is black and my eyes are dark brown? So do you think that my hair on my body besides my head would be light? Hardly noticeable? WRONG.

First gym class we had to wear shorts and tee shirts. That were school supplied, so I couldn't even try to find long shorts to hide this hair on my legs. I begged and begged my mom to let me shave and she would not budge. Gym class was horrible. The boys would say you have more hair on your legs than I do and of course I didn't have gym class with any of my friends and all the girls looked at me like I was a freak. If that wasnt bad enough we also had to shower after gym class. In a big room, filled with shower heads. No curtains, no dividers, just one big open room. Totally naked. So along with the leg hair and my weight, I also had a bigger chest and rear end compared to the smaller girls and that was super fun to have to walk in the shower room and have them see me, my belly and my extra curves. Did I mention I had gym with two of the most popular girls in the 9th grade? No? Well, I did. Ugh.

Finally got those legs shaved and now lets skip ahead to 11th grade. Not much had changed. Most of my friends had boyfriends. I didn't. Most wore makeup and loved going to the mall. I hated wearing makeup and not all stores at the mall had clothes that would fit me. Junior year is prom year. No one asked me. My best friend had to ask her cousin, who was younger than us, to go to the prom with me. He was fun, but not really who I wanted to go to prom with. To top it off my mom had one of her hair clients make me a dress for the prom. When I went to try it on, she never left me look in a mirror and I could tell by the look on my moms face that something was wrong. We went home and she told me to put the dress on and look in the mirror. It was horrible. There was no lining. It didn't even fit me correctly. The one arm was longer than the other and I had 4 days til the prom. My moms boss had a niece who was older than me and a bigger girl as well and she called her to bring her old prom dresses down to see if one of them would work. She lived and hour and a half away. One almost fit. It was a cream color and it needed left out a little. We had heard of this seamstress right down the road and went to see her. We told her the dilemma. How little time I had before the prom. She looked at the dress and me and said, The color washes you out. I said with just days to the prom, I really didn't have a choice. She went and found this beautiful fuchsia material and some lace and made me a whole new dress. In 3 days. Yes, that definitely wasn't a sob story, but the parts leading up to it were. No one else had to have someone make them a dress cuz their mom was worried about sizing and no one else had to have a friend ask their cousin to go to prom. It worked out and I loved that new dress. The seamstress, Pat, also made my senior dress just cuz I loved her and her work so much.

Another reason I didn't fit was I knew I wanted to be a nurse in about 8th grade. None of my other friends had a clue. So started in 10th grade to go to vo tech. Well, that meant I didn't get to pick home ec classes or learn any languages like most of my friends. I went to health assisting at the vo tech for 3 weeks, then back home to the high school for 3 weeks. Most of the people who went to vo tech were boys, so when we came back home to our high school, I spent everyday with the boys who went to vo tech. There were a few girls but we didn't get along. Manly because she was a little twig, and she liked to look at me with as much disdain as possible every chance she got. Of course all the boys flirted with her too.

Now let me mention high school gym class. We had to run. Every time we had gym. I did not like running. Still don't like running. So much so, if you ever see me running, you better start running to lol. My gym teacher was a very manly looking woman who had what looked like a beer gut but thought she was the epitome of fitness. She loved the athletes and the thin people. Which meant, not me. So, we would have to run so many laps inside or out and she would count. Like I had said, with just the vo tech kids, our class was smaller than most of the regular classes, so it was easier for her to watch our every move. I ran, but at my own pace. So while everyone else pretty much ran in a group, there was me, by myself. So every time I would lap, she would yell, come on Nikki, faster. Did she yell at anyone else? No. Then if I didn't finish with everyone else, she would make everyone stand with her and literally watch me finish running and they couldn't go do anything else until I was done running. Talk about not fitting in, she helped to make me stand out. I loved gym class. Did I mention she was my gym teacher all 4 years? Good times.

I had got my CNA certification right before I was able to drive. So I had started working at a nursing home when I was 15. Most of my friends were not working, so when they all got together to do something, I was usually busy working. Everyone else was wearing makeup, worrying about being popular, being with their boyfriends, partying and here I was, working, fat, no makeup, not partying and no boyfriend. I was working towards a goal and proud of myself for being so young and working already but if you think it didn't bother me to not have a boyfriend and some of the other things, you would be wrong.

I left high school never really feeling like I had fit in anywhere. Not with the geeks, the losers, the stoners, the band, the popular kids, no one. I had friends from most of the groups, but I never really fit in one or another. I had left high school the biggest girl in my class too. I cant even remember how many diets I had went on, how much time I spent in the gym and nothing worked. Most people were sad to leave high school and I couldn't wait to never see 75 % of those people again. I had no boyfriend the entire time, ended up going to my senior prom myself, while literally every single one of my friends had a date, still hated wearing makeup and still was overweight.

My entire school experience I did not fit in. Not once. I don't regret it, it definitely has made me stronger person and I have learnt not to judge a book by its cover. Also, not to be rude, but again, maybe I would have more fonder memories to look back on if I had fit in a little better. It wasn't for lack of trying, it just never seemed to happen for me.