My Last Trip to Dairy Queen
It was October 19th 2020, the day I unwittingly ended any future rendezvous with the Dairy Queen of exit 172 on the Garden State Parkway. The day had started on a much more positive note, it was my 20th Birthday! I began my day with a quick workout and shower before returning to my room. There, it was time to pick out a t-shirt. I was particularly excited, because my t-shirt drawer in the upper left hand quadrant doubled as my narcotics corner. I reached in and pulled out the edibles that I had been saving for a special event (Apocalypse Now or John Wick I had not yet decided) and go downstairs to meet my 22 year old sister at the kitchen table.
That Time I Accidentally Catfished Myself
‘I’m not stupid’, I often tell myself, ‘I just don’t always have the best common sense.’ So it was hard to pick one story for this challenge.
"What did I just do!?"
We've all had at least one of those moments in our lives that made us just want to melt away and vanish. Those embarrassing moments when we ask ourselves "What did I just do!?"
Highschool is an awkward time in everyone’s life. You're going through puberty, people who you thought were your friends may not be your friends anymore, and you start getting into relationships and going on dates. I was in tenth grade at the time when I decided that I would conquer a fear of mine and ask out my crush Adrianna. I did not know it at the time, but this would become one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
People often question what price tag they would sell their dignity for. Apparently mine is $750/week - That's how much a portable toilet and shower hire costs. While getting my bathroom renovated, it became the ultimate battle between keeping money in my pocket by not hiring, or basically mooching bathroom facilities for an estimated 3-5 weeks from a range of sources. These would include unknowing caravan parks, near-freezing coastal beach showers, reigniting old friendships and suggesting prolonged sleep overs at their home, as well as knocking on the door of old roommates and even ex work colleagues. I obviously went for the mooching option and kept that sweet, cash in the pocket. Some call it being a stingy/using bitch - I call it being a money mogul.
All Eyes On Me
Wakin' up in the morning, thinkin’ about so many things… I begged my brain to let it be a dream. Trying to figure a way through the damp feeling of incessant mortification that loomed ahead of me, and now trickled down my legs. Though it was impossible. I had made my puddle and now I had to play in it.
An apology to my primary school nurse, my best friend, and the guy I had a crush on.
When it comes to embarrassing moments there are few things more dramatic than fainting. As a prolific fainter, I know. I’m not here to say that fainting itself is embarrassing because it’s a perfectly normal response to many situations. Until it’s not… What is embarrassing has so much more to do with the situations that I’ve fainted in and the poor people that I have fainted on. So, in an open apology to those people, the very kind bystanders, friends and medical personnel, I will outline my most dramatic fainting stories here: There was the first of many run ins with needles, the time my best friend got her ears pierced (yes you read that right, my friend, not me), and the fateful incident in second year university when I was discussing statistics with the guy I had a crush on.
Laughter Creates Memories for a Lifetime
Growing up I wasn't one to laugh much. My mom was the strict, OCD women who believed in true perfection. My dad the polar opposite was more of the go with flow kind of guy. Laughter wasn't really introduced till my later adult years. When I learned that just laughing things off, really helps you not freak out. There have been many embarrassing moments in my life where I have told my friends to scrape my pride off the floor with a spoon, if they can find it. Or I have told them to look down a stair case or hall way to see if my lungs fell out my butt on the way up. These are just some of the little funny things I say just to make people smile. Laughter creates memories, that you can always use at anytime. You start it like this, remember the time and some moments you cant even get the story out with out laughing through it. And by the time you laugh about that moment, you don't even have to finish the story because the laughter helped that moment pass. The funniest moment in my life there are two great ones that, some may think is funny but to me and my friends its a khloe memory. Yes embarrassment was at my expense on one situation and the other not so much me. But to witness that moment will stay in my mind forever. When people die we fail fail to remember the funny moments when we are so sad. I hope that when I die they will remember the day I ran for the bus and wiped out, or the fact that they cant look at chocolate pudding the same way again. Let me explain. Me and my girlfriend (needs) decided a mall trip to meet up with friends for much needed laughter was in store. What they didn't realize that the laughter would be at my expense. On the way out the mall (needs) and I were running for the bus. I had been a runner, a pretty quick one at that, and decided to hold on to the back of her power wheel chair. Well little did I know she could do 90 in a 60. As she speeding up, I no longer could keep up to speed and then learned what it was like to fly. I landed on the ground with arms spread out on my back and as needs swings around in shock, cause she no longer hears me, all felt was a tug. She whips over to me in fear and what see does not see was not what she expected. I am laughing hysterically at this point and I cant get up. Not because I'm hurt or anything but because I'm laughing so hard. I then use her wheelchair to get me up and tell her to find my pride and now we are WALKING to the bus stop. She then asked me "are you sure your head is ok"? I said yup those extensions were worth every penny, they saved my life" she said "right on" and we walked off laughing and giggling all the way home. This laughter stayed with us for years still friends and still making fun of my hair extensions. Even going as far to say if I put new ones in make them thick, because you never know when Khloe will drop it like its hot!" See friends are so great to have to remind you of those moments that weren't so smooth to just spark some laughter. Especially through tough times. Like for instance an episode when I went with (needs) to the hospital to be there for my dad who was in pretty bad shape. Being there all day we worked up an appetite and decided to go down to the cafe. I bought multiple items but there is one item that will stay in our minds forever. I was full, so I gave my chocolate pudding to (Needs) and our other sister was with us and she was talking a lot which is her norm. but as needs is taking a big scoop of her chocolate pudding and it is already in her mouth, our sister loudly says a word in Spanish which i can not share, due to being respectful of others, and the pudding comes flying out of (needs) mouth and nose. Picture this, I am sitting across from her in a white shirt, (needs) is laughing so hard pudding was everywhere on her hands, the wheelchair, the table, her shoes, and I am asking my sister for the wipes, but she couldn't get them.. I look over the table and Missy is on the floor laughing her butt off. Looks like I was getting the wipes. That wasn't the only funny part about it I felt bad for the poor doctors and nurses around us, eating there lunch, one person looks like they can't eat right and the other looks like she needs a psych ward and I'm the one trying to clean them both up. Its moments like these I live for you have to laugh through tough times. News flash just in life isn't going to be perfect or easy all the time. We cant control how others treat us and how mean the world is. But we can look at situations and control our reaction. Most times I don't stress, I just laugh things off and my friends don't think of me as rude, they know that when stressed I laugh, especially at work, as a peer worker. Laughter is the best medicine, It does help you chill and most of all everyone loves a laugh even if its at your expense. It also hold a treasure you can carry for a lifetime. THE END
No regrets - Well maybe
So, there I was, it was summer about 27 degrees and hot as hell in the kitchen. It was a busy lunch at the cattle grid we had over 50 covers. I was mainly over the grill the worst place to be on a day like today sweating profusely. I was tired and grouchy, and the head chefs taste in music was shit, house music, boring as fuck. Anyway, so I had had 2 steaks come back complaining they were overdone when I checked them they were perfect, customers really pissed me off hence the reason I was not front of house. I re did them bloody and the customers seemed happy but what a fucking waste of food. I’ll save them for the dogs later. The afternoon carried on getting worse for some reason our front of house system kept sending the wrong orders. We recooked so much meat that we could have built a house with what we were going to throw away. By this point I was furious and snapping at anyone who dared speak to me. The final straw came when a dainty little waitress named Greta came up to me and asked if I could cut the steak up for the customer.
Stray balls, and missed shots.
There are a hundred and one ways to lose a ball in a housing estate. The most common among them being in a tall tree, on a rooftop, to a ball thief, an angry resident, and in some cases the train tracks. I’ve lost balls to all of the above. I’ve also been a ball thief myself, but only with stray balls. I’ve been able to retrieve mine from some of these places as I got older. However, the trees had no shortage of weak branches, and the train tracks had no shortage of homeless people, and trains. If you were lucky enough you’d come across an old one in a game of football and chance your arm at getting it back, but if you’re like me then your ball won’t have your name written anywhere.
No regrets are said more often than any two words combined that I know off. That expression of “No Regrets” simplicity acts as a lighthouse for when seas are both stormy and calm. It’s a simple, but also complicated message that in an eerie way gives us some sort of courage to push through.
First Date Disaster
Start Ok, so this might be the single most embarassing thing, any 16 year old girl could ever encounter. If not the funniest!!