Lie To Me.

Ok. I have only ever recounted this story one other time. Whenever asked about this Era of my life from my family and my friends I always keep the details to myself and just stick to the Who/What/When/Why & Where. With this in mind please understand that I will be changing names, dates, and for the sake of keeping this story to a readable length certain event(s) will be shortened or bulleted. I will do my best to answer any questions that may arise. Thank you for reading about the worst experience of my life.

Issue # 0 How it all began.

I must preface this with the person I am referring to in this story and the person I am today are two very different people. If I could change what I had done, I would. I had just graduated college with my bachelors, I was single, about to get my very first apartment with my buddy who at the time was my best friend, and had a decent job at a well known coffee house. On the outside it would be easy to assume I had the world! That nothing can bother me; and yet far too often a shiny smile can hide some of the worse pain and disguise evil intentions. I had been on my own for a few years now, after leaving my hometown (drenched in pain and anger with the only means of coping being the handful of chips and disgusting grease filled foods that I could get into my face and wanting to take it out on the world) I was turned loose in the city. I had already gotten into a routine of using, abusing (never physical or sexual) the person(s) I was dating until I had either lost interest or we just stopped talking to each other and I had already gotten what I wanted. I was ready to use what I had learned in a new area, with new people who had no idea who I was. It felt like taking that first hit after along day, and you feel the dragon enter your brain and cloud the world around you. I could be anyone, anything.

Just like that I was in a new ecosystem, like a fox in the hen house, who was it going to be? What lie will I tell this time? Should I use the ones I have already developed? Working there was easy, I used my training days to buddy up with everyone I could and proved myself by picking up extra shifts and working as hard and as fast as I could to not lose this job as well as to make myself look macho to some of the other baristas, I thought were cute or had interest in. It has always been easy for me to charm individuals in some way shape or form, so it was only a matter of time before I had the entire store on my side, when I told a lie you better trust me when I say that they believed me.

[With the gift of perspective now that almost a decade has passed, I was being too reckless with my lies and without my knowledge my roommates had already been on to me and told others not to believe me however I was very convincing even without proof, unknowingly I had already sealed my fate.]

After a few weeks I had established myself with most of my coworkers and was working on building rapport with supervisors which will help me maneuver into different shifts (However it came at the price of more work and responsibilities) this had proven to be more challenging as they wanted to see us work and not socialize. In-between this madness I had too actually put my money where my mouth was and work my ass off to make the money, I needed to maintain the illusion I had built up and was struggling; you see although I was working all the time I was always strapped for cash my financial skills *****at the time***** were pretty much none existent so I had been extremely idiotic with my money. As time went on, I had to learn and learn fast how to work all the stations and keeping up the charade of my personality that was thrown on top of that became much for me to handle; and yet I did it and not only did I do it I keep mental notes on what to say next and how and to who to who because I was going to get what I want! I didn’t know what I wanted. I wasn’t in a good place emotionally, mentally. I wanted to get into a fight with the next customer who asked for the same Goddamn holiday drink they’ve had 60 times that day already. I wanted to melt down and cry so hard that my tears became ocean and wash me away so I can never harm anyone else. I want to fuck my pain away. I wanted to run away from my responsibilities and go somewhere that adulthood couldn’t find me. I wanted someone to see me, hold me for just a second and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wanted to eat my shame away.

And then…one day, she walked in. Her breathtaking beauty struck me first with skin so fair you’d mistake it for marble. Her smile lit up and drew me straight to the soul piercing gaze of her eyes. The devil in heels. Our bodies communicating walking closer together, we had rhythm. I knew she felt it too, it was undeniable, she was going to be the one that I wanted, I would have her. She was wicked, her eyes screamed I will eat you up boy… and I fucking wanted it!

End of Issue # 0

[ How do we know when we have gone to far? Is it when we are hurt or when we have hurt others? Could it be in the moments before we act? Or maybe, we just haven’t gone far enough.]

To be Continued…

– Thudd Walker.