My Thoughts on a Warm Wednesday Evening
My mind is my devil
I was hoping today, after a tired day, you would help me prepare for my mother's birthday surprise. A candle would've sufficed. Instead, you watched TV, loudly, looked disinterested and then reprimanded me for sharing my feelings.
I am angry that even after 15 months of knowing the truth about a friend cheating on his future missus, I am still angry. Yes, I'm angry that I'm angry. I'm angry that instead of confronting him, I went quiet. I know he knows, because he went quiet, too. I want so bad to tell her to stop marrying this guy, but I am scared. I keep quiet because people stop telling me to "be Mother Theresa".
But then if I'm not the Mother Theresa in my life, who will pick up after everything? Who will be the troubleshooter? Who will remember everything everyone likes to eat? Who will remember everyone's doctor appointments? Who will ensure all the fridges are stocked up with groceries? Who will make sure the electricity bill is paid, the conversations flow, things are done?
Not you. Not you. Nor you. None of you.
I pick up after your slack.
And even now I have to pick up after the person who is PAID to help out in our domestic situation. I have to make my own dinner because she needs to rest, even though I've been out of the house for 12 hours, driving, lifting, while she rested the entire time because no one was home. She deserves rest, sure. But don't I deserve anything? Do I have to pick up after her now also? Should I also get paid to do everything I do then?
And then when I voice out I am told that I'm selfish, that "it's all about my feelings", that I don't understand how it is to be in other people's shoes nor do I understand how my actions impact others.
Wow.
Okay.
I pray sometimes that death takes me sooner. Not because I'm ungrateful, but because I'm just so tired. No sleep can do justice to the dread and exhaustion that my privileged soul carries. I do everything for everyone and still try to remember to recycle, not use too much plastic, not leave the lights on for too long, Earth Hour timings, and all of that.
If that makes me selfish, then I serve no purpose on Earth.
The view from the fourth floor - looks tempting.
But I will not jump. Because there are people who remind me that God will not give me tests I will fail in. That I have people who love me. That I am cared for.
However, when I'm reminded time and time again of my place in society, I realise I don't want to be part of society. I want to do away with social media, my phone. I want to backpack and travel (although my age may not allow me to carry a big load). I want to read. I want to be alone.
The Covid-19 lockdown was horrible, trecherous for many. But I miss how it was okay to be an introvert. How it was okay to coop up inside your room instead of facing the world. I treasured the little social activities I had with other human beings more than I do now.
Now I just want to run as far away as I can from all this. But I am duty bound. I was once told that I'm like a loyal cow/dog, always roaming around the streets of the cities, but then always remembering to come home.
I have three places I call home. I am confused where to go to. Maybe I need to create a real home. My own home.
Ah, my thoughts. You will truly kill me one day.
Bless us overthinkers.
About the Creator
Manisha Dhalani
Content writer and marketer helping solopreneurs achieve organic growth. Loves reading, eating cake, and having insightful conversations.
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Very well written. Keep up the good work!
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Heartfelt and relatable
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Comments (27)
You will not jump. You will overcome this
Well done. Keep writing.✨️
"I want to be alone. I want to read...miss the days it was okay to be an introvert". You speak to my soul. "If I don't do it, who will?" My mother used to say "a woman's work is never done". She was like Mary Poppins; practically perfect in every way. Until she had a nervous breakdown and walked out on four young daughters, a son and husband who would never get over her or forgive himself for taking her for granted. I sincerely enjoyed your words and hope they provided you with enough relief to carry on, because even if you aren't adequately appreciated you would surely be desperately missed. Even if it goes against your natural inclination, try to be a bit more selfish! Put your feet up, turn your phone off, and read. (Then write some more 🌞)
You tapped into the deep longing of the overly burdened in a beautiful way. It’s like holding a rose with bleeding fingers. Wonderful job. I’m glad this made TS its a work worthy of it.
Wow! I quite enjoyed. You might like my newest story as well 🖤
bless you.
Congrats on Top Story!🥳🥳🥳
Congratulations for top story I really admire your way of intrepting the thought processes of one's
Dear Manisha - I've often felt the need to tilt on a ledge somewhere. I once said to you about a year ago re; what a marvelous storyteller you are. Your 'Original' presentations just flow with professionalism. *I've subscribed with pleasure. I am not into self promo but I have to say. My 'Twins' story so much reminded me about "Marital Advice," but I took my brothers; dodged a bullet j.in.l.a. Jay Kantor, Chatsworth, California 'Senior' Vocal Author - Vocal Village Community -
So much To think about. This is an interesting way to interpret the thought processes. So relatable too. Wishing you a brighter day, Manisha.
Wow, that was incredible. I know that may be the wrong reaction. But that writing was just well incredible I could read a whole book of it. This also felt like a confession. I read myself into your words. I don't really know what else to say other than this was cathartic for a fellow introvert.
Sending you hugs and kisses, and congratulations on the top story. ❤
On a warm Wednesday evening, it's the perfect time to unwind and reflect. The gentle breeze and soothing atmosphere create a peaceful ambiance for introspection. It's a great opportunity to appreciate the beauty of nature and the simple joys of life. Take a moment to relax, recharge, and enjoy the tranquility of the evening. Let the warmth of the evening envelop you in a sense of calm and contentment. https://verna-haywood.com/ is not only an influencer but also a dedicated therapist. With her platform, she shares valuable insights and tips on mental health and well-being, making a positive impact on her audience.
Congratulations on Top Story!
Resonate with "Bless us over thinkers" our thoughts will truly cause us to defect one day if we don't find our balance. Love your veracity!
Felt this. Glad someone gets it! Incredible piece , Manisha! 💝
I hear you, Manisha, & feel for you. If it's always up to you, it will never be your turn. And if you don't find a way to take care of yourself, pretty soon you won't be able to take care of them either. Blessings, prayers, & please give yourself a break, even if no one else will.
Thank you for sharing. U don't have any advice to offer , but I do hope it helped you to get those feelings out. And I don't think you're selfish at all. Congrats on the TS.
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
oops, Congrats on TS. ❣️
Yes, make your home, YOUR home. Fire that person, they are unworthy. I had a friend who had a cheater and I didn't tell her and they married and and and it turned out badly. She probably wouldn't have listened but I'll never know because that is what I thought so I stayed silent. All right, here comes the "older person advice" - I learned when my kids were young that I had to be selfish. I needed to be selfish to stay sane. I needed some "selfish" time to myself. You do too. And people pleasers are always stressed out, so please stop. They will all survive. Take care of yourself.
wow this is nice. please sub scribe to my page
Manisha, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that they made you feel this way 😭😭😭 I'm relieved to know that you said you wouldn't take your own life but I've been there and I know how strong the urge is sometimes. So if at all you feel that urge, please know that my DM is always open. You can always reach out and although I may not be able to offer solutions, I can be a good listener for you to vent. Bottled up feelings and emotions are a silent killer and I wouldn't want that to happen to you. Also, please know that it's okay if anyone says you're selfish. Because that is just a reflection of who they are, not you. So you continue doing what you've been doing. If you feel unappreciated, then stop doing those things. You're not a candle to light yourself on fire to benefit others! I hope writing this all out helped you feel a little better. Sending you lots of love and hugs 🥺❤️
Awesome ♡
This is good