Demons

People live in a world bound by their reality and see it influenced by the size of this reality bubble. What does that even mean? Everything that happens in somebody’s life is a way for them to grow up, but what is growing up really? What does it entail, or how does it affect our emotional and or mental status so we appear more grown? Some people would go as far as putting growth in comparison when it comes to emotional and mental stability but again is growth even a measurable thing if we are talking about feelings. We can’t even explain feelings that well scientifically yet, let alone comparing the growth in feelings to two completely different human beings.

I believe that growing up is a really simple term which doesn’t really put all that well in perspective, but it’s shortened to a version where everyone can understand linguistically even though most don’t understand it fundamentally. I believe growing up is expanding the reality you live in, growing up from a bubble where only you exist and expanding this bubble so it takes everything you see and experience in life in. We don’t understand homelessness until we are on the brink of being homeless or even worse, experience it first hand. It’s the same for heartbreak, inability to do a task or a hobby etc

This reality bubble expands at different rates depending on different factors, I don’t want to eat too much time with this topic, but some factors would be, the person’s will to learn fast, how engaged they are emotionally in something, and honestly sometimes not healthy but their competitive spirit could also prove as the right weapon for growth. Thinking that you want to feel accepted in a bigger group could also be perceived by many as competing with the most loved person in the group, and usually this person is someone who is grown, because he has something to provide to a friend group. He’s a good listener, a great advisor, or at the end of the day he just has a relaxing aura going on for him. Obviously some of these things are just characteristic traits, which you can’t fully inherit as again two people can’t be completely similar, however they work as a basis on what people look for if they compete in growth. You won’t look to be the jester of the group, but you do understand that being funny is usually a good skill in a group of people.

Last point. What happens when we reach a good level of growth, a place where we can interact with most people, understand most of it in a deeper level(again this would require more explanation here, but that’s a topic for another time) because we have experienced stuff first hand? I think our species is always looking to evolve, but where do we find evolution once people which we can learn from start decreasing in number?

I have always had conflicts within myself and as much as I’d love to sit here and type about my self diagnosed problems, I won’t do that because I believe it not to be respectful to people who have these problems and obviously what I am writing would lose credibility, because at the end of the day this topic is a really fine line between being disrespectful and a child compared to being seen as someone who has gone through a lot.

Back to the point, you can call them whatever, I like using “them” pronouns for my “demons”, could have picked any other word for it but this was the first thing that I could think of. I usually see it happening the most when I go through romantically involved emotions or when I am going through imposter syndrome, either ways they show up and tell me that I am at fault or there’s stuff I did which would be considered stupid, unnecessary in our society. This goes on for a while, where I am stuck in my self-deprecating words, stuff like “I won’t manage anything good in my life”, “this happens again, again and again and it’s always me who’s at the short end of the stick”. This stage is horrible for me, it takes a long time, sticks with me for even longer and influences other connections, it’s literally like a tree which infects other plants when the leaves drop.

However, these demons never left me at my worst, they taught me stuff. Maybe bad coping mechanisms, perhaps lowers my confidence for a while and forcefully tries to give me ways out, but they are always there. It’s lonely because they never speak back vocally, they just force me to let out weird squeaks of emotions. They do expand my reality bubble though, they teach me how in the future i could do something better, so the situation doesn’t degrade to what I am feeling right now. Or at least I choose to use them like this, it takes a toll on you but you can think of it as a symbiotic relationship. They eat on you, and you learn from them. It’s just you can choose what you feed them, so your reality bubble doesn’t turn into an explosion bubble.