My main passion is parenting my Inner Child in a nurturing, loving way. Supporting others as they learn to love and accept themselves through self-parenting has been the priceless gift that has come out of that and is now my life's purpose.
Self Discipline and me
This week I found myself revisiting an old friend: self-doubt - thankfully with a new awareness. It seems I had been carrying old luggage around that bore the labels of ‘I am not disciplined’, ‘I need to be more disciplined’, ‘I need more discipline’. I’m feeling a giggle arise within as I write it out, how utterly bizarre and hilarious that I could have possibly believed those things about myself for such a long time! Not only are these things untrue, they are also dangerous beliefs to hold. Telling myself that I need more discipline only serves to call that need to me and give it energy and after so much discipline dressed as abuse in my life, I certainly do not want any more of it.
It's Only Energy
As I sat amid one of the darkest and most painful experiences of my life, trying to create some sense of normalcy out of anything at all, I put a piece of jewelry in my mouth and bit down to close the clasp. Suddenly, I gasped in mortification at a crunching sound and my inner critic barked out obscenities at me inside my head which sent me into floods of tears—I’d broken off my front teeth! It occurred to me for the very first time in my life that maybe teeth were not supposed to be used as pliers at all and I wondered in awe how I’d never recognised that fact before but such was my horror and I was in such a dark place inside, all I could do with any of it right then was shame myself and hate myself even more. I had no resources to do anything any differently and my neural networks were conditioned for criticism, shaming, nastiness, abuse, and self-loathing—it’s all I’d ever known by the age of thirty five. I was an exemplary student for the teachers I’d had in those lessons and I had Mastered the art well. Being kind, gentle, and loving to myself was a complete mystery to me then, and I was afraid of anyone else who didn’t abuse me too, often avoiding anyone who seemed "nice." I was sure that if I went near "nice" people, they’d see my "stains" or that something dark about me would infect them. Here I was finally sitting with someone "nice" and allowing them in and I broke my smile! The last minuscule speck of self-respect I had been holding onto shattered along with my front teeth in that moment and I surrendered all pretense at sanity right there and then, it was the final straw for me after months of humiliation, tragedy, and losses. I truly felt as if I had nothing left to be and it would be another 12 years before I would recognise the gift of that night at all.
Here and Now
Our brain is essentially the central processor of a system that works in wondrous ways that most of us have no comprehension of at all. Symbolically, we are not that different to a computer and our brain is the CPU that ensures the efficiency of the entire unit. I once despaired at what a mess my computer had become with files seemingly laying around everywhere and suddenly saw that my mind was being ‘uncared for’ the same way. It was a defining moment in my life and as I cleaned up my computer, I looked at how I could clean my life and mind up too. I remembered a wise man from my youth who had stated that he could judge the type of person someone was by the state of their room and I had thought he was simply being judgmental, but I now saw what he was really saying and I saw the truth of his words. Everything is symbolic of something after all and as I worked on tidying my laptop, I saw his wisdom coming to life upon my screen.
Secure Every Loving Foundation
Self love teaches us how to love the world. Our mind works like an energy conductor and as such it creates assumptions about the energy of what is happening and then projects its interpretations out onto the world around us so we can watch it play back to us and teach us what we most need to learn, but most people are not aware of this even being possible. We see everything in its literal sense as our reactive self does the best it can to interpret the data until we cross the inner bridge to see things symbolically instead. This can happen gradually or in stages that are quite abrupt and we will find afterwards that we were fully prepared by life for these crossings and stages but while we are actually undertaking them, we usually feel completely unprepared. Driven by an instinctual reaction called "fear," we bounce through life like a pinball being buffeted off flippers and bumpers, tilted and smacked until we make our way determinedly through the playing field. Our mettle is tested many times before we get where we want to be and rest in the socket of our own love. There are ways to change this process but how do we earn them if our culture has no idea how to teach us either?
One woman’s death could be the start of another’s life. Only perception decides if any of it matters or not. This woman, who usually has a positive outlook and a loving perspective, took one too many knocks to the ground, one too many wrecking balls to the head. This woman who usually gets back up and faces every blow, decided it was indeed time for change and change brought her to a reality she had neither expected nor avoided. After almost 50 years of dragging herself up off the dirty, bloody floor of existence, she changed her modus operandi and gave Life something to really remember her by…
The pendulum swings... There comes a moment when we break free of the past and the future and declare ourselves as "present." That moment comes as we bemoan the past and its torment, release our wishes and pinings, and begin to recognise what "now" has to offer if we connect with it fully. That moment comes as we embrace the totality of who we are and fully feel the emotion of who we believe ourselves to be. That moment comes as we recognise that the thoughts and feelings we think we are having are simply stories we tell ourselves about ourselves in order to comfort our own fears and help those fears stay alive. That moment comes as we learn to accept who we really are and love that person no matter how we feel about it. That moment comes with every breath and every experience, every love and every loss, every ache and every joy, every grief and every exaltation, every profanity and every prayer. That moment is this moment, and it is happening right now.
What a month! This past month has been enormously liberating in a most challenging and fabulous way. With solar and lunar eclipses, normal full and new moon cycles, Lion’s Gate, and half the planets in retrograde, the stories that we tell ourselves to understand and record our past have resurfaced and the energy beneath them has begged us to move it out. It’s a great time to release any stuck, still, or trapped energy and that also means that the brightest gold (triggers) has been more available to us too! Fortunately for me, I do not react to "triggers" anymore the way that I used to. It’s much easier now to respond to the energy that presents and decode the stories my Inner Child still thinks apply. With so many layers of dross surfacing all the time for me, I noted with glee that the energy around my Solar Plexus and Thymus is clearing this time so I am feeling more empowered than I have in a couple of years. The cycle that I have been in has been one of patience vs. shame for a while and with every step I have taken towards more patience, more shards of shame have flown up and off. I imagine I can literally see them flicking off me like nanobots charging away from my energy body to go and find something more sticky to attach to, and it’s a relief to see them go. Imagining this is much nicer than the old stories my Inner Child used to tell me about what a victim I have always been. Today I know full well that I am not a victim and never really have been one either. It has taken a lot of work and a lot of solitude to get to that point and change the ending to the old story of the persecuted damsel that I used to cling to. I had to learn to not only let go of that image of myself, but to love myself as a victim and damsel too, something I had not considered before. I had spent a long time trying to surrender those parts of myself as I and many others around me deemed them to not be powerful enough but once I surrendered the opinions and expectations of others instead, and reached down into my own being, I saw how I was still negating who I was at a very fundamental level. I would have once struggled to conceive why anyone would want to embrace or embody their Inner Victim, to bring back to life the energy of being persecuted in any way. I did embody it again though with complete awareness and a resolute determination to not attach to it this time, and it has been an incredible learning experience. I’m not sure whether to recommend it to anyone else but at the same time, in order to fully accept and love the totality of who I am, it was very necessary for me I must say.
The Vehicle We Drive Around In
Fear can no longer stay buried inside like cancer. I ask myself: “Is there one cell or organ or strand or muscle or bone in the body that should be nurtured at the expense of all else in the body?” If there is, how do I choose? Every part of our body has a vital function and most of us are not even aware yet of what function each part of the body has. The general population is still learning the function of vital organs so things like neurons, sinews, and DNA are yet in relative oblivion. The past 200 years has seen a focus on personality so at least we are learning how The Operator works, and now there is a shift to learning more about The Vehicle we drive around in. For me, that Vehicle is symbolised in the world too e.g. billions of people—billions of cells; seven continents—seven main glands; major leaders—major organs; major river systems—major arteries and veins, etc.
Soul to Soul
The moment their eyes met, she felt the hands of eternity itself wrap around her heart as peace filled every pore of her being—she was home and she had not even known she had left. Here, for the first time, infinity welcomed her in its embrace of beingness, and she swam languidly in it’s depths. Although she had forgotten to breathe, her lungs drew in air of their own accord, hardly daring to stop lest they interrupt the bliss that every mote and atom celebrated in this instant. This was love and the entire universe knew it and danced in time to the beat of their hearts. They would remember this moment for years as "the big bang," the moment a new universe all of their own was created, and it was they who had created it with their willingness to love each other. Nothing they had ever experienced to this point could compare with the divinity they each held in their hearts. Their minds had never been so still and clear, and neither of them had ever known such clarity and purpose. They merged and soared in the oneness of unity and sang silently of their joy across time and space dimensions. Each had known misery and had thought themselves to be in a hellish place of wretchedness and hopelessness. They had both begun to despair of finding happiness at all and had surrendered all need to control anything in order to simply survive. Free falling into this abyss by choice, they had found each other, and now the heavens sang in praise for all to see and hear. By the clock, it all lasted a nanosecond, but by heart-time, this celebration lasted aeons as their flames united again and blazed into life as one.
Afraid of the Dark No More
I spent years being afraid of the dark. As a child I felt terrified of the dark but I never knew why. I had conjunctivitis at the age of three and woke up with my eyes glued shut with muck but I already felt afraid of the dark by then. My mother used to think it was because I watched horror movies with my dad (before I was three) but I already felt the fear before then. As I grew and learned I became more and more afraid of the dark until...