Lion's Gate

What a month!

This past month has been enormously liberating in a most challenging and fabulous way. With solar and lunar eclipses, normal full and new moon cycles, Lion’s Gate, and half the planets in retrograde, the stories that we tell ourselves to understand and record our past have resurfaced and the energy beneath them has begged us to move it out. It’s a great time to release any stuck, still, or trapped energy and that also means that the brightest gold (triggers) has been more available to us too! Fortunately for me, I do not react to "triggers" anymore the way that I used to. It’s much easier now to respond to the energy that presents and decode the stories my Inner Child still thinks apply. With so many layers of dross surfacing all the time for me, I noted with glee that the energy around my Solar Plexus and Thymus is clearing this time so I am feeling more empowered than I have in a couple of years. The cycle that I have been in has been one of patience vs. shame for a while and with every step I have taken towards more patience, more shards of shame have flown up and off. I imagine I can literally see them flicking off me like nanobots charging away from my energy body to go and find something more sticky to attach to, and it’s a relief to see them go. Imagining this is much nicer than the old stories my Inner Child used to tell me about what a victim I have always been. Today I know full well that I am not a victim and never really have been one either. It has taken a lot of work and a lot of solitude to get to that point and change the ending to the old story of the persecuted damsel that I used to cling to. I had to learn to not only let go of that image of myself, but to love myself as a victim and damsel too, something I had not considered before. I had spent a long time trying to surrender those parts of myself as I and many others around me deemed them to not be powerful enough but once I surrendered the opinions and expectations of others instead, and reached down into my own being, I saw how I was still negating who I was at a very fundamental level. I would have once struggled to conceive why anyone would want to embrace or embody their Inner Victim, to bring back to life the energy of being persecuted in any way. I did embody it again though with complete awareness and a resolute determination to not attach to it this time, and it has been an incredible learning experience. I’m not sure whether to recommend it to anyone else but at the same time, in order to fully accept and love the totality of who I am, it was very necessary for me I must say.

The past few week have blown a huge layer of heaviness out of me as those old stories of persecution came up and I was able to look straight through them and see them as the fables they are. More and more I see how truly fallible the mind and memory are because we can change our memories whenever we want to once we know how and that’s frightening in a way. I spent over 45 years of my life haunted by memories that I created a life around and now they are like ghosts, wisps of air that cannot find purchase within me anymore. It’s profound and miraculous to me and the answer to some very old and very frantic prayers, it’s also stunning because I had no idea that changing how a memory looks came down to my choice! Being able to willingly and consciously detach from my thoughts and feelings, to observe myself instead of becoming that energy in motion, has made an incredible difference to how the old stories unfold in my mind. I still recall the day about ten years ago that I realised I could dissociate at will and stay present anyway and what a profound and empowering moment that was for me. Since then I have practised and meditation gives me the greatest opportunity to do that as it is a very safe form of dissociation indeed. Throughout the course of this past month an old pattern played out with multiple stories threaded through it and most of the tales were attached to the attitude I had held towards abundance—particularly the story of abundance that I call money. Now really, money is simply energy just like I am and you are but there are all of these myths and legends built up around money that as children we grab onto. I’m telling myself now that the story around money is a child’s game like hopscotch or checkers and once I figure out how to play the game with fun I will lose interest and move on to learning another game. The intriguing thing for me is how attached I have been to playing this game. It was easy for me to stop playing Bubble Witch®, Candy Crush® and Words With Friends® when I had enough of them so why not this game? I surrendered my need to be obsessive over spelling and grammar, and the games I played to stay noticed or invisible, why then was I still playing the money game like it was Monopoly®? This moment is showing me the answers I seek and it’s such a relief to be crying all that energy out, shouting down the moon, offering up prayers, and singing it all away in the shower while I open up my heart to the truer abundance of health, happiness, presence, and love. These things may not pay the rent but they are certainly worth more to me in the long run and I am finding the grace in all this step by tiny step. What a ride this one has been! Namaste and blessings.