Self Discipline and me

This week I found myself revisiting an old friend: self-doubt - thankfully with a new awareness. It seems I had been carrying old luggage around that bore the labels of ‘I am not disciplined’, ‘I need to be more disciplined’, ‘I need more discipline’. I’m feeling a giggle arise within as I write it out, how utterly bizarre and hilarious that I could have possibly believed those things about myself for such a long time! Not only are these things untrue, they are also dangerous beliefs to hold. Telling myself that I need more discipline only serves to call that need to me and give it energy and after so much discipline dressed as abuse in my life, I certainly do not want any more of it.

As I sat reflecting this morning, I was digesting what I had been considering to be self-discipline. I was looking at what I hold dear and how steadfast I have been to my own spirit throughout my life. In raw honesty, I can look at my entire life and see a clear path that I made through it, honouring my own spirit, listening to the song of my own soul. I saw how the only times anything ever really turned out awful were the times I doubted my own soul, when I listened to the world instead. There were times when I trusted others over the wisdom of my own heart because I did not know how much wisdom my own heart held. Then I would judge myself for not being able to follow the path that others follow and that they suggested I should follow too. Today it seems utterly absurd that I was ever like that, but I was and I’m grateful for it too. Those moments led to this moment and this moment is a huge liberation.

Being steadfast is all about self-discipline. Being able to stay the course, and to keep going when all else says stop, being able to follow my own heart and soul, being true to myself even when it feels as if the world has ended over and over again, this is self-discipline. Loving against all odds and forgiving what I’m told is unforgivable, putting one foot in front of the other when everyone else says quit, daring to believe the impossible is still possible and reaching for the stars when the earth is shouting at me to lay low or embracing the earth when the stars are shouting at me to come join them, all of this is self-discipline – a solid form of devotion, of self-love, and of unconditional love for all of creation.

I had been doubting my commitment to myself, apologising for my existence again because I had found myself lacking again, forgetting that no matter how I appear to myself or to anyone else, it is all an illusion of the mind anyway and not in the least bit true to anyone but my own fear. I hear my own soul and I respond. I had been judging my responses instead of honouring the dedication it takes to follow that call no matter what it brings me to. When it raises me up, I rise; when it brings me to my knees, I kneel; when it crushes me, I lay down, and when it fills me, I expand with it. I had not ever looked at it this way before as I was not ready and now I am. Today I take another step forward, another leap of faith, with confidence and thanks.

When I was a child, I knew my soul with certainty. I learned to call it God and I prayed to it, spoke with it, loved it, and felt held by it. I still call it that now and I feel blessed to have that presence in my heart and in my life. I see many people scold and judge each other for what they call their own soul and especially berating anyone who calls out to anything or anyone called ‘God’. I see some screaming against anyone who believes their ‘god’ is separate form them, and yet my own God is still separate from me at times because I have not yet fully merged with the totality of my own wholeness. Have any of us really remembered our full unity? I own that I have not, and it doesn’t matter to me if I have, because that is not what my focus needs to be. I need only focus on being myself, loving myself, sharing what I share, and learning to love it all. I may not be a child now in earth years but I have always been a child within and now that I am also the Parent within, that child is safer than ever before, safe in the knowledge that I am disciplined enough to never stop loving me again, no matter what the world says or does, and no matter what I think, say or do either. Today I rise higher than ever before with my roots in this earth so deep that I am planted, as securely as any tree. Today I jettison that old luggage I carried around and release the weight of their inaccuracies. Today I am free to be more fully me than ever before and I love it. Namaste and blessings.