Devon Thomas

My 9th-grade son Jarret has a lot of anxiety. It might not help that Jarret's mother and I insist that he wear a bulletproof vest to school since President Sex Criminal refuses to possible gun control solutions. Then there's the fear of being picked last to play football and soccer in gym, even though we're practicing with the best soccer balls in 2018. And I bet Jarret is also feeling some anxiety since I've started seeing Chica Reyass, even though I assure him that the two of them are not in competition for my attention! So, I'm doing all I can to calm Jarret down, including teaching him about foods that can help reduce anxiety into his diet.

I’m always telling my son Jarret: humanity isn’t prepared for climate change. Too much of the world is already Children of Men and there’s a chance we’re going to end up in The Road. If that happens, Jarret knows he's going to need to steal emergency kits. They will be the new currency. They’re packaged with everything you need to survive but they’re made to be portable. Nothing else is built that way. Jarret just says, “Dad, that’s not going to happen,” and then I say, “That’s exactly what they said about President Sex Criminal.” And then Jarret tells me to stop texting him links about emergency kits and to stop telling him Children of Men is already happening.

Now that I've fallen head over heels for Chica Reyass, I want my body to be lean and for my coffers to be fat. I need to be able to keep up with someone who regularly does the best core exercises for soccer players, and I also need money a relationship demands! Dating ain't cheap! Just buying her one of the best soccer balls in 2018 set me back $100! So, I need to know how to stay healthy on a budget and stick to it. So much depends on it!

My son Jarret loves Star Wars. Whenever there's a new movie, which we are now blessed as a society to have on a regular basis, I talk to him about Star Wars. Since I get Jarret on the weekends as per the divorce agreement and all big releases come out on Thursdays now, Jarret's mom Valerie gets to see Star Wars with Jarret the first time he sees the newest one. But that means I get to be the one Jarret talks to after he's seen the movie twice!

I'm seeing someone who's turned my whole world upside down. And right side up! Her name is Chica Reyass. Her ability to recall the best motivational soccer quotes to remember before a game has inspired me to up my fitness game. I've been working out regularly at the gym in addition to all the games of catch I play with my high school aged son Jarret.

I've finally found someone who's evoked enough strong feelings in me that my emotions have given way to an in-person meeting. Her name is Chica Reyass. I want to prepare a meal for her that'll take her tastebuds to the same heights that my spirit soars when I think of her. I will survey the best electric grills for indoor cooking to find a tool that will turn my infatuation fueled inspiration into a delicious concoction fitting of the pickiest gourmet. And I will use my teenage son Jarret as my lab rat because he loves grilled foods almost as much as he loves to stonewall my attempts to impress him. DON'T DO THIS TO ME NOW, JARRET; DADDY NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT'S THE BEST OF THE BEST!