111th

A few weeks ago I began thinking about what I wanted to write for my 100th piece, which at the time felt really far off. I had a number of ideas come to me, and much inspiration from reading many of your 100th pieces. Little did I know that the big 100 would come and go without me even realizing it. When that Senryu challenge hit I couldn’t stop myself, and before I knew it, my milestone piece was 17 syllables about texting my granny a bad word, which did later become a runner-up in the Snafu Senryu challenge, making it totally worth it! I am so tickled (speaking of granny, that was a phrase she used) that my 100th piece placed in a challenge. What a cool gift.

Anyway, once I realized that my opportunity to memorialize #100 had passed, I decided to make 111 my new mile marker of personal achievement. I like the ring that 111th has to it, and I rather like the number one after having some absurd and comical moments over the past year that included that darling little number. Let me explain...well, maybe I shouldn't...you might think I'm crazy. Oh well, I'm just going to write it and let it land as it will.

The number one has literally appeared to me everywhere. I know that sounds odd, but I mean, it has been everywhere: 11:11 or 1:11 every time I looked at the clock (even waking at that time of night and checking the time just to see a line of ones); my grocery totals coming to 111.11; license plates in front of me; addresses I was going to; interstate exits I was supposed to take; electric bill number; checking in for a Southwest flight- boarding position C11; receipt numbers; topping off my gas to realize the pump stopped at 11 gallons; I even thought about deleting this paragraph 111 times (just kidding on that one! haha!). When I say I see it everywhere, I mean everywhere. Honestly, it has been a little hilarious. So I did a little digging into numerology and began viewing those 1s as little God Winks, like a nudge from the universe saying, “Yeah, I got your back— just trust the process.” ***Dharrsheena just pointed out that this article is an 11-minute read, so...there ya go—magic in action.

***Maybe you think I’m nuts, and that’s ok, ‘cause I kinda am. haha!***

So in honor of the glorious and semi-intrusive number 1, here’s my 111th piece on vocal. Well, I guess it started at the beginning of this article, but here’s the rest of it. Allow me to ramble a little bit. I'm going to let the reminiscing take me where it will and just honor the flow from my brain to the page.

Reflecting on the past ten months here, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotion and totally in awe of this experience. When I began my Vocal journey back in January, I had no idea that I was about to open a firehose of creativity within myself, and that a flood of poetry and prose would swirl from my brain through my fingers and become living pieces on this platform. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I signed up “just to enter the Full Moon Challenge”...

One of the most surprising things, which I did not expect at all when I signed up, was finding all of you incredible people. You came to me at a time of my life when I really needed you. Your writing has been a salve to my heart, a joy to my soul, taught me important life/spirit lessons, given me a laugh when I needed it, a good cry when the tears were already brimming (and even when they weren't), and you’ve also scared the bejeezus out of me (in the times I've allowed myself to read horror, which I always kick myself for at 3 am). Your comments have lifted my spirits and encouraged me beyond what you probably even realize, and some of your words have completely changed me forever. To you, I am eternally grateful. You are now imprinted in my heart and life, and I know that no matter what happens, I will never forget you.

So, I want to thank you all from the very bottom of my toes to the tip top of my head for your kindness, love, and support. I wish I could call each of you out by name, but I hope those of you reading this know who you are. Your profile faces are all popping up in my cranial slideshow right now:). Even those of you who have randomly come through here to leave a little loving thought, or if you are brand-spankin’ new, I’m grateful for you too! I hope you all feel the love I am sending your way as I write this piece and no doubt I’m still sending it your way as you are reading. I truly consider you friends, and even when I’m not on Vocal, you will sometimes graze my thoughts and I send a warm smile your way. You are a special community, and I feel very blessed to be in your company and to have found all of you at a very critical time of my life.

Now I want to take the opportunity to give a little shout-out to someone who commented on my work in the newborn stages of Vocal…it comes with a little background story, so bear with me here.

A few weeks into joining Vocal I had submitted to a few challenges, and read some amazing work, no doubt from some of you incredible creators. THEN I read a top story that was really discouraging. I don’t remember the author and it doesn’t matter, but it was about how hard it is to get reads, how difficult it is to win challenges, and how discouraged they were about the platform. It kinda sunk my ship. I was here partly for myself, to honor my word of the year—Create— but I had also been looking for more ways to contribute to our finances. That article made me wonder if it was worth paying the $10 a month, especially because I had exactly zero people reading my work, besides my mom, my husband, and my 9-year-old son (who is still my biggest supporter). Honestly, I was really just having my own personal little pity party and feeling insecure. Anyway, I began to think that maybe I was wasting my money and time. What did I know about writing anyway? Doubt crept in and tried to strangle the creativity right out of me.

That night I decided I wasn’t going to open the website again except to cancel my membership the next morning. I was done. And then, ten minutes later, I felt a little nudge to open Vocal (like ya do). I resisted, but the nudge turned into a push. So, I decided to log in just one more time (giggling to myself now as I type that). I opened Safari on my phone, hesitantly typing vocal.media into the search engine. When the page loaded I gasped. I had one notification! **Note that at the time I wasn't subscribed to anyone because I had no idea how this platform worked.** How in the world? Did someone actually read my work? It was a comment on my Rarities poem. It read:

like an ordered chaos - i love it! keep up the good work!

Brenton F.

I didn’t know Brenton at all, I hadn’t read any of his work— but at that moment his comment was everything. If you haven’t read Brenton’s poetry, I highly recommend checking out his profile. His pieces are raw, artistic, and always incredibly thought-provoking. He also has an ebook which I only just realized when I went to get his profile link. Click here to check it out.

Good work? What? Wait…someone thinks this is good work? Oh my gosh, someone besides my mom thinks this is good work!!!! How could I leave now? I couldn't let Brenton down! haha! THAT one comment was my little God wink, my sign to keep going. Maybe I was looking for a sign not to give up and it was all just coincidence, but I’m pretty sure that it was the universe smacking me in the forehead, knowing that this is exactly the place I needed to be at this moment in my life and that his comment would give me that little push to keep clicking the keys.

Thank you, Brenton F.! I am seriously so grateful to you for your words. You couldn’t have known how much they would mean to me at that exact moment and how much they would change my life.

Seriously, I’m not being dramatic. Being here really has changed my life. I have processed so much through my keyboard, dug deep into the well of my spirit, stared into some parts of myself I was avoiding, processed personal pains, let go of things I was holding onto, and my passions and creativity have been given a place to bloom. Through this powerful tool of writing, I have allowed myself to become vulnerable in a way I never have before, and found a path to tap into authenticity in a way I never felt comfortable doing. I have taken a huge exhale, and it has altered me to my core.

Not only have I been enriched personally, but Vocal has also been a financial blessing to my family. The very next week, after I almost threw it all away, I placed in the Quadru Haiku challenge with a Haiku that was literally the story of my life at the moment. When I found out I placed, I didn’t believe it. I kept clicking the refresh button thinking there was some kind of error. I’m pretty sure I said “Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!” like a bajillion times. Then I cried like a baby. Every time a comment came through, I welled up with tears. That was quite literally the most incredible gift my family could have received at that time and one very big reason to keep writing.

As a little side note, just months before that, my husband had been furloughed from his job and our savings were flying out the window faster than we could imagine. I could barely justify the $10 a month I was spending to be here, but I was taking a chance on myself. That $1000 was huge for us at that moment and kept me going. I'm so glad I stayed. The reads, the top stories, and little personal wins here and there have been incredible gifts.

So, I'd like to say a massive thank you to VOCAL. Thank you for this wonderful platform! Thank you for the generous reward! Thank you for listening to your creators and making an amazing place for us to share ourselves! Thank you for the top stories, challenges, and paying for reads! Thank you! Overwhelmingly grateful! All the exclamation points for you!!!!!!!! If I had exited this platform, I would have written a little for myself here and there, but I’m 111% positive I wouldn’t have written 111 pieces of work, and it has made all the difference.

Friends, your beautiful writing, comments, and support keep me going! Yes, I'm going to get crazy with the exclamations again! Thank you so much for being you, for your generosity of spirit, and your friendship! I love that I now have pals (Paul, a nod) from all over the U.S., to Scotland and Ireland, Australia, and more! What an honor to be here with you at this time in my life— in the world and on Vocal! It’s such a gift to read your work and to have meaningful conversation and connection with some of the most talented humans I’ve had the privilege of knowing! Without Vocal, not only would I have missed out on tapping deeper into the writer in me, but I’d be missing out on all of you! So #111 is dedicated to each of you incredible human beings! I’m also dedicating it to my son, Hudson, who asks to read every draft and finished piece that I’ve written, and offers up the most wonderful encouragement (love ya buddy!). You guys are just the best! Please raise a glass with me to yourselves (I’m literally raising my coffee cup to you right now…I’ll raise a pint to you after 5 pm)!

Cheers, my friends!

This is a piece I wrote a while back— also dedicated to YOU

If you are so inclined, I had a wonderful conversation with the fabulous Heather Hubler (definitely explore her work, she's AMAZING!) a few weeks ago, which dives a little deeper into my Dear Favorite Tree piece, and will give you a better understanding of where my thoughts dwell.