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Well, MY Breasts Aren't Complaining

I'm not likely to change my ways

By Judey Kalchik Published 11 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - July 2023
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https://pixabay.com/users/webandi-1460261/

I had an ‘a-ha!’ moment recently.

Getting dressed in the cold and dark Michigan morning, contemplating my life’s mistakes and thinking about the possible lack of coffee creamer that awaited me… I looked down at my right hand and… noticed something.

The fingers of that right hand held one end of my bra band, the one with the ‘eyes’ for the bra’s ‘hooks’. It was at that moment, after 50 years (yes, 50 years) of putting on my bra, that I KNEW I was not going to put it on inside out.

Yes, this is a problem for me. I get dressed in a very foggy sense of awareness and my place within the murky un-light that is 9 months of the year in Michigan. More times than I want to remember I have attempted to get dressed with articles of clothing backward or even inside out. Once I went to work with two LEFT boots on my feet. (I am a poster child for the necessity of coffee…)

But on this joyous morning I realized that, if I just hold the ‘eyes’ in my right hand, I will always have the bra positioned correctly.

There. Mischief managed. I gloated about it and decided to write about it here. BUT.

Oh sorry day: BUT. I found out that I am STILL not correct.

Before you think it- no. It’s not that gem, that boon of proms, that much-loved of cleavage: the front hooked bra- it’s much much worse. According to the fancy-boobed experts, I am not even donning the bras I wear correctly.

What I Do

Since I was 13 I've put on a bra using the attach in front/scoot the cups around to the front method, and place my breasts into the cup by pulling the straps into place. In fact; I am quite good at this. (yes, yes, assuming I’m not trying to do it inside out. But I’ve figured that out now- see ‘aha moment above for details.) It was how all the girls did it in gym class, no false modesty; we stood and gabbed while we dressed and it was front attach/scoot all over the place.

But, according to the brainy bosom-moderators, this is BAD and WRONG.

There are several ways to find out the correct way, and here's a wikiHow and video below so you can see their horror towards my way of doing things and have the opportunity to learn the ‘correct ‘ way.

Blah blah blah: stretching out straps (nope, doesn't happen) blah blah blah do it my way..... breasty-influencers and bra-do-gooders.....

This video includes the signature 'droop and scoop' move, too:

Conclusion

I’m not changing.

My straps and I are doing just fine- they are not bringing me grievances and demanding a change to their support/life balance assemblage.

I can’t believe that any way I put on bras could EVER hurt an underwire. Those things live forever — and they have never seemed delicate to me when they go rogue and try to puncture my side-boob, underarm, or upper-arm wings. C'mon- I'm not the only one that has had that happen, am I?

There are days when I slip my bare feet into my shoes because my fingers can’t stand the pain struggling with socks- now I’m supposed to reach behind my back and connect teeny tiny parts together that I can’t see? Nope- ain’t gonna happen.

Now- where are those front-fastener bras…..?

~

Amazingly enough: I wrote a Vocal poem about my breasts. Here it is:

While you’re here, please do one or all of the following!

1. Please leave a comment and share your thoughts. Have you ever learned that something you knew to be true maybe wasn't? And to the bra-wearing readers: are you a 'front/turn/'scooper' too?

2. Click on the little heart to let me know that this clicked with you.

3. Click on the subscribe button and get a FREE notification when my next post goes live.

4. Feel free to share a link to anything I write on your social media.

5. A one-time tip or even a monthly pledge to support my writing is always appreciated if you are so moved!

You can also find me on Medium where this was first published by me in Breast Stories AND you can find me on Threads!

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About the Creator

Judey Kalchik

It's my time to find and use my voice.

Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.

You can also find me on Medium

And please follow me on Threads, too!

Reader insights

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  1. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

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    The story invoked strong personal emotions

  3. On-point and relevant

    Writing reflected the title & theme

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Comments (38)

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  • Faizan Naseem9 months ago

    hi how much you earn on this platform

  • Novel Allen11 months ago

    Sometimes I hook em, step into em and pull up from the feet. A dozen ways to get it done. As long as you get it done, who cares. Great info though.

  • Gigi Gibson11 months ago

    Hook in front, scoot around, scoop. Locked and loaded! Congratulations on your top story about your “top” story! 😆🎉

  • The Dani Writer11 months ago

    You've reminded me of some horrible brassiere purchasing moments of 'teendom.' Yikes! And congratulations on the top story!

  • Jay Kantor11 months ago

    Dear Ms. Judey - Even as a boy I've always been curious about this ~ So many 'Descriptive' Terms for this Device. We only heard "Stay out of our Closets" ~ So thanks for the learning experience as per your usual. Jay

  • LC Minniti11 months ago

    Who would have thought reading about the process of putting on a bra could be riveting? Because I was riveted. “Front, attach/scoot.” I also didn’t know there was a “proper” way to put on a bra. Nor was “hurting the underwire” even the faintest of a whisper of a concern to me ever in my life (and likely ever in the foreseeable future). Though I have had them go rogue and try to puncture a side-boob! Haha. This was highly humorous! Thank you for the amusing write.

  • Zeeshan May11 months ago

    "Every woman loves to read this! Every woman's choice and needs – every girl wears these and wants to look good, really. Stunning images."

  • Glad you got it sorted and a great personal piece

  • Yanger Mollier11 months ago

    i didn't read but i liked the picture.

  • I don't have a witty pun to share like Raymond, but I do appreciate you sharing your inner thoughts about our Thing 1 and Thing 2. Congratulations on Top Story!

  • Raymond G. Taylor11 months ago

    Congratulations and well done on your top story. And for getting breasts and bras at the top of the agenda! Not enough coverage (or perhaps too much) on this subject.

  • Paul Stewart11 months ago

    I shall keep this brief...noo mumbling from Paul on this. I'm glad you have a method that works for you - my wife shares a disliking of bras and bra etiquette. Everyone should be able to do what they want to do etc. Congrats on a very relatable (to some, but not me) but great piece of writing, Judey and Top Story no less! I've said it before, even when it's not a subject I feel comfortable or knowledgeable with, you have a certain way of putting the reader at ease. You don't compromise but you don't exclude either and it's marvellous! I said no mumbling...oh welllll!

  • Jazmin Fernandez11 months ago

    You're definitely not alone! Congrats on your TS👏🏼😊❤️

  • Mackenzie Davis11 months ago

    Okay I'm gonna be honest here...I never thought that the "attach in front/scoot the cups around to the front method" was all that common. In fact I thought I figured out a hack that no one else knew about. I must live under a rock. (Side note: I live under a rock.) Reading this was a revelation! Congrats on TS, Judey! I read it when you first published but never commented. It was just as fun the second time around. Screw those bra purists! I declare that the internet should not be used to push such bra propaganda! A losing cause, if ever I heard one. Cheers!

  • Margaret Brennan11 months ago

    a friend of mine always puts her bra on "backwards" then twists its around love your story

  • Phil Flannery11 months ago

    Well this isn't a rabbit hole I thought I would fall into but here goes. It's fair to admit that after 35 years of marriage, I know how my wife puts her bra on. As usual, we fellas have it easy when it comes to getting dressed. Great top story.

  • Gina C.11 months ago

    As a proud member of the itty-bitty-titty committee, I will just say that society barely makes enough small bras to work for me, so I will not be following any rules whatsoever of how I should be putting them on 😅 Awesome story! 🤗

  • Kendall Defoe 11 months ago

    Something untrue? All the time... And I am glad that found what is best for you... ;) Great Top Story!

  • Suze Kay11 months ago

    Lol I vibe with this so hard. Personally, I'm a fasten in back, then scoop 'em up kind of gal. Hasn't led me astray yet. But I hate those underwires with a passion! Always with the metal POKE in the middle of a busy day. Once, I just ripped one out in a bathroom at work, I was so fed up... then faced a lopsided afternoon.

  • D. ALEXANDRA PORTER11 months ago

    🤣 Ah yes, many of us can identify with this: "that boon of proms, that much-loved of cleavage: the front hooked bra..." Congratulations! 👏

  • Dana Crandell11 months ago

    Well, I have to be careful about leaving an overly-long comment here, else be accused of having a breast obsession. With that in mind, Congratulations on a very worthy Top Story, Judey!

  • Noah Chester11 months ago

    CHECK MINE FICTION STORIES

  • Noah Chester11 months ago

    KINDLY follow me and help me i am new here .... i need your kindness💐..

  • Noah Chester11 months ago

    GREAT WORK

  • Morgana Miller11 months ago

    Wild, as someone with huge honkers that prefers going braless for comfort and gets all sorts of looks for it all the time, I was just thinking after a particularly dirty look from a woman my age that we have evolved approximately 0% since the time of the corset insofar as women’s oppression by fashion dictates… and then I see that this is top story and apparently not only is it unacceptable not to wear them, but there is a correct way one must place it upon their bosom? Wild. I say free the nipple! 💕💕 but at the end of the day, do with your melons whatever makes you most happy 🥰

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