Well, MY Breasts Aren't Complaining

I had an ‘a-ha!’ moment recently.

Getting dressed in the cold and dark Michigan morning, contemplating my life’s mistakes and thinking about the possible lack of coffee creamer that awaited me… I looked down at my right hand and… noticed something.

The fingers of that right hand held one end of my bra band, the one with the ‘eyes’ for the bra’s ‘hooks’. It was at that moment, after 50 years (yes, 50 years) of putting on my bra, that I KNEW I was not going to put it on inside out.

Yes, this is a problem for me. I get dressed in a very foggy sense of awareness and my place within the murky un-light that is 9 months of the year in Michigan. More times than I want to remember I have attempted to get dressed with articles of clothing backward or even inside out. Once I went to work with two LEFT boots on my feet. (I am a poster child for the necessity of coffee…)

But on this joyous morning I realized that, if I just hold the ‘eyes’ in my right hand, I will always have the bra positioned correctly.

There. Mischief managed. I gloated about it and decided to write about it here. BUT.

Oh sorry day: BUT. I found out that I am STILL not correct.

Before you think it- no. It’s not that gem, that boon of proms, that much-loved of cleavage: the front hooked bra- it’s much much worse. According to the fancy-boobed experts, I am not even donning the bras I wear correctly.

What I Do

Since I was 13 I've put on a bra using the attach in front/scoot the cups around to the front method, and place my breasts into the cup by pulling the straps into place. In fact; I am quite good at this. (yes, yes, assuming I’m not trying to do it inside out. But I’ve figured that out now- see ‘aha moment above for details.) It was how all the girls did it in gym class, no false modesty; we stood and gabbed while we dressed and it was front attach/scoot all over the place.

But, according to the brainy bosom-moderators, this is BAD and WRONG.

There are several ways to find out the correct way, and here's a wikiHow and video below so you can see their horror towards my way of doing things and have the opportunity to learn the ‘correct ‘ way.

Blah blah blah: stretching out straps (nope, doesn't happen) blah blah blah do it my way..... breasty-influencers and bra-do-gooders.....

This video includes the signature 'droop and scoop' move, too:

Conclusion

I’m not changing.

My straps and I are doing just fine- they are not bringing me grievances and demanding a change to their support/life balance assemblage.

I can’t believe that any way I put on bras could EVER hurt an underwire. Those things live forever — and they have never seemed delicate to me when they go rogue and try to puncture my side-boob, underarm, or upper-arm wings. C'mon- I'm not the only one that has had that happen, am I?

There are days when I slip my bare feet into my shoes because my fingers can’t stand the pain struggling with socks- now I’m supposed to reach behind my back and connect teeny tiny parts together that I can’t see? Nope- ain’t gonna happen.

Now- where are those front-fastener bras…..?

~

Amazingly enough: I wrote a Vocal poem about my breasts. Here it is:

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You can also find me on Medium where this was first published by me in Breast Stories AND you can find me on Threads!