Xanax and Her Smile

In a world of imperfections, perfect pairs are sometimes hard to come by. Compound that with the challenges I have faced living with Bipolar 1 disorder and anxiety; the terms happy, let alone perfect, can sometimes seem like a myth. I am only 38 years old, and for over 20 of those years, I’ve spent my time seeing countless psychiatrists, taking a myriad of medications, and continuing down a road that I hope will one day lead me to a place of acceptance; of my faults, of my disorder, of myself!

So when I say a myriad of medications, I won’t try to mislead you into thinking that they all came from a pharmacy. A huge part of mental illness is self-medicating, because the professionals rarely get it right the first few hundred times. There is no exact science to how the brain functions; therefore, there is no exact science to how to treat the “ill-functioning” one. More so, on an individual to individual basis, considering the unique nature of us all. I, myself, live in a world of never-ending highs, lows, and plateaus, that leave me chasing a “fix” that will simply allow me to JUST BREATHE! Since the age of 17, I think I have tried most, if not all the, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, sedatives, sleeping pills, and combinations of the bunch, without finding the “miracle cocktail”, that will FINALLY make me feel like a normal person; that can quiet the thoughts in my head, stop my heart from racing, keep the tears from falling, or the fears creeping up from out of nowhere. Alcohol, marijuana, Molly’s, cocaine; they all had a brief stint at masking my demons, but these vices were no match for my “SUPERPOWER”. That’s what Kanye’ called it right? And sometimes I would agree. It is the worst, and it is the best of me! I coast, lol, well rollercoast, through my life for now. I have not, my doctors have not, as far as I know, the world has yet to find me some “brakes”. Not all is lost though! While alarms still ring all around me, the miracle drug Xanax, helps me hit the snooze button. Though not a cure, for a short time I can have silence. I can think, I can be unafraid, I can be Alaine.

I had my daughter Rhiley when I was 26 years old. She was not planned, but she is the best thing that could have ever happened to my life. She is my life! She gives me purpose, when for so long, I felt as though I had none. Amidst the chaos that engulfs me, she is a flashlight, leading me to horizons I could have never journeyed on my own. Sometimes we're blessed with gifts we haven't even asked for. There are times I gasp in awe of her beauty; not just physically, but in every way a person can be beautiful. After all the countless psychiatrists that I have seen, and years of therapy that I have been through; in the darkest moments, her smile, and unconditional love are what allow me to JUST BREATHE!

In this time of Thanksgiving I must admit, I can tend to take so much for granted. I have been blessed with so many things I neither asked for, nor deserved. And although my life is far from perfect, I have been given MY perfect pairing. It may not be your burger and fries, or the next person’s Netflix and chill, but when I need to breathe, they give me what I need to inhale. So just breathe Alaine… JUST BREATHE! You got Xanax, and her smile.