Human

HUMAN! (Marilyn Monroe)

“I can be selfish, yeah, so impatient…”

I used to think that motherhood would change me. That somehow the person growing inside me, could make me a better one. Never taking the time to realize, that the notion of my unborn child absolving me of my shortcomings (selfishness being one), was the very definition of selfishness.

Ignorance to the fact that self-preservation is innate to the human objective, only eluded me, and magnified my impatience for some miraculous transformation. If not motherhood, then what exactly would it take? If not the equivalence of selflessness, and patience, then what hope did I have? There was no easy fix to this baffling obstacle, and that was the road I had always traveled. I’ve now come to the realization, that up until recently, I’ve lived a privileged life; and exhausted most of my efforts into trying to find the easiest way, yet not the most efficient way, to accomplish the few goals I’ve had thus far. Where my best efforts were more time consuming, than saving, for the most part. Time is such a small word to engulf, the length, and the breath, that we humans live by. There are so many words that can be used to paint the landscape of our lives; patience, empathy, courage, are but a few that make it possible…within the selfish nature of humanity, for one to even consider, that the “color of the grass” on the other side, may very well be the same shade of green as our own. Consciously I try my best to remove the “blinders”; the self-absorbed perspective, that the way I view things, is the only conceivable way. That the pace in which I move on any given day, is the stride in which the whole world should walk. Nevertheless, I am but human, and am afflicted with every fault that entails. So unconsciously, the days where the world still revolves around me, still exist inside my head. Times when the words selfish, and impatient, are exposed, like a child playing hide and seek. Moments when patience, is but a foreign concept. Motherhood didn’t change that; I’m not sure what really will.

“…sometimes I feel like, I’m at the end of the road. I can get low, I can get low; don’t know which way is up…”

Have you ever wanted something so much, but it scared the hell out of you? For me, that’s life! Not the involuntary actions of your body functioning in the measures that it should; but the emotional, and spiritual experience, of being ALIVE! The clarity and awareness, that allows you to appreciate every moment you have “with your daughter”; and every breath you just exhaled! Death sometimes feels like an escape to me. The answer to all my problems! My daughter, and “change”, have been the sole factors, preventing me from succumbing to the lure of suicide. I was voted class clown in high school, you know! Only a thin line differentiating a smile, from a tear! The woman that cries today, longs for the girl with the contagious laugh. Longs for the days, when the disapproval of teachers, and the reprimand of parents, for disrupting class with a boisterous laugh, was all she had to worry about. Pardon me, but the things I would do to hear that laugh; I cry now. Not because I want to, but because the choice isn’t mine. I guess all those years of laughter, have filled my “reservoir” with only tears; and now, “my cup runneth over”! At times I feel like I’m drowning; like the sea has engulfed me! Dark

waters surrounding me, and there is no compass to lead me to the surface. Who was the girl with that laugh? The only humor I find these days, is the joke my life has become! How far from my hopes, my dreams, my “CERTAINTIES”, my reality ACTUALLY IS! So much has changed! How I HATE the word change; the concept, the idea, and most of all, the reality of it. Uncertainty has driven me mad! To make a plan for your life, for your week, for your day, and have it vanish, like a magician’s coin, behind ones ear. The only plans I make now, revolve around the orchestration of my demise. Praying for the “balls” to press harder on that razor, scraping against my wrists. And so with the help of medication, and a little restraint, I no longer make plans. I fly by the seat of my denims, evading inevitable change as much as possible, and trying my hardest not to cry.

“…yeah, I can get high, I can get high, like I could never come down…”

Mania is a hell of a thing! LOL. It is defined as an extremely elevated and excitable mood; yet that definition doesn’t nearly suffice. When you’ve succumbed to the depths of depression, and then catapulted to the heights of mania, Mt. Everest seems like an anthill to you. There is no one superior; no objective you can’t accomplish; no barriers to overcome! You are INVINSIBLE! If only it could last! And so you chase it. Like a cheetah after it’s prey, you chase it! Because there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that can surpass that feeling! What price would you pay to feel like God? There were certain medications that helped me achieve this outcome, but none that would last. None that could sustain the illusion of immortality, or cease the fragility of humanity, that I would inevitably encumber. In hindsight, I would never have considered myself an addict. Yes, I had experimented with minor drugs; but nothing that I could never get a hold of. But the aftermath of mania, has left me in a frenzy of withdrawal, and I need to feel the ecstasy of being omnipotent once again. But there is no substitute for that feeling; just as though there is no deliverance, from the price you must pay to achieve it.

Marijuana used to bring me time. Putting me to sleep for a while, just to awake to the same reality I was previously submerged in. Alcohol brings on liquid courage; liquid confidence, liquid joy. All liquidated with the soberness of the next day. Then there were the Molly’s. ECSTASY!!! LOL! And for a while it was. For once I could verbalize everything I felt inside. I wanted to talk, I wanted to engage, I wanted to speak for days! To discuss the why’s, and the how’s, and the what could be’s, with anyone that would talk back. To have the deepest conversations, to debate all the “unknowns”, to let out all that I had imprisoned inside me for so many years. The problem was, I had no one there to listen! No one taking the same trip, the same ride, the same journey, the same DRUG, as me! So in time, its allure faded, and it was just another habit that needed to be replaced; and that’s what cocaine has done. It doesn’t put me to sleep, it doesn’t give me courage, or inspire me to speak,…but it has it’s purpose. Silence! When you feel every emotion at once, and all the unanswered questions you’ve ever asked dance simultaneously inside your head, silence is priceless! All there is now, is COCAINE! Who is around, when will I take my next hit, when can I get my next re-up, when, who, and HOW???? Things have become very simplified! There are questions, but they are all about ONE THING! There is but one GOAL, one objective! No up, no down, … No ROAD! Just the silence of cocaine! “…call it a curse, or just call me blessed; if you can’t handle my worst, you ain’t getting my best...”

Superpower, it’s my superpower! That’s what Kanye’ called it! How else do you refer to something that can take you from “just tryna make it through the day”, to a state in which you’re “larger than life”? Bipolar doesn’t seem sufficient! There are those days when the pavement resembles clouds; and others, where six feet under has no meaning, because there is no “under” to the depths in which I now exist. Blessing, or curse, this disorder has made me the person I am today! And honestly, I can’t tell you exactly how I feel about that. Not today at least; or right now, I can say; but there have definitely been those times, when I’ve loathed myself beyond forgiveness. The times when I’ve praised myself, beyond reproach! I’M HUMAN!!! Yesterday that phrase humbled me, and today, it’s the “mantra”, that keeps me from slitting my wrists! WHICH WAY IS UP??? Regardless of my perspective on any given day, truth is, there are very few people resilient enough, to withstand this journey alongside me. And there’s no shame in that! As my mother would say, “This is a tough, hard world”, and admittedly, my road is harder than MOST…. So I’ll try my best not to judge, if I see you stagger at some point along the way. Not every player was meant to see the finish line; but you served your purpose, you made your mark…and because of that, I’ll never be the same; our time together may have ended,… your part has already been played, and I will forever be grateful! Thank you, my friend! Nevertheless, the fact is, that when I need a shoulder, chances are, there will be very few to cry on. “Call it a curse, or just call me blessed”; this disorder has taken me from “rock bottom”, to heights I can only compare to heaven! It has confined me to my bed for weeks at a time, but then contradictorily, gives me the inspiration to write this piece. “Take me, or leave me,” I am who I am. And beneath my will to change, I will always be the person I am right now! Hopefully a better version; the 2.0; but still the well-meaning, good-hearted, imperfect Alaine I am today. And that says A LOT! I’m human! And the longer I am here on this earth, I’ve come to see what that really means. Not every human means well! Unfortunately, we do not all have “the same”, or as self-proclaimed as it may be, a “good’ heart. Alongside the goodness and exceptional selflessness, that humanity can entail, lies the gruesome, and undoubtably evil aspects, that shouldn’t be overlooked. Therefore, I can never, I will never, reach the perfected version of myself, no matter how hard I try. But as futile as it seems, I will continue on this journey, for as long as my little legs will carry me! Because although perfection can never be obtained, progression for now, is enough! To those who have waded with me through my worst, and deserve NOTHING LESS, than to SHINE alongside me, at my BEST… To those few, I pledge…how brightly SOMEDAY, we shall shine!