Why do I tell the same childhood stories over and over?

(Trigger warning: childhood trauma, addictions, abuse, Domestic violence, CPS, teenage pregnancy, termination, miscarriage, emotional and physical abuse)

Here is what I have realized as a 31 year old woman and mother of three, with Complex PTSD and late diagnosed neurodivergence. I have been writing my trauma stories since May 2019. I talk about my shitty abusive parents, the struggles I had in dating and relationships, being a teen single mother from senior year of high school to the end of my 6th year attending College. I talk about my narcissistic abuse, the physical and sexual assaults, the emotional damage, and the psychological damage I endured. It all revolves around the same childhood through adolescent experiences. Why?! Because I have dissociated and do not remember normal things. Only specific traumas.

I have written hundreds of stories rooted in non-fiction, told in creative or rather blunt ways. I have written dozens of poems (links at the end of this article to view my site) as well about mental health, trauma, and my past experiences. Prior to blogging online and sharing this content, I shared tidbits for years on my personal Facebook account. I also share video content currently on Tiktok to share about childhood trauma, neurodivergence, and mental health.

I want to educate people, find other survivors of trauma, and connect with late diagnosed neurodivergent people like me. I also feel brave enough to share the memories I do have because I feel like I have nothing to lose from doing it, but so much to gain in terms of healing and personal development.

I am no contact with family, have not talked with my parents since 2019 or seen their faces since 2007 when I left home for good at 16. I no longer date the abusers of my past, toxic friendships have since passed, and I am no longer at the mercy of my own mental health mysteries. I have become more self aware, healed, and stronger with every story I have published. I have been researching to understand Mental Health, Neurodivergence, and Trauma since going fully no contact in 2019 from my bio parents.

What I learned about myself in my late 20's opened up a whole new window of personal development - as it still is for me now at 31. I am constantly realizing new things about myself that help me analyze the past with better understanding + empathy towards the former versions of myself. I no longer hold anger towards who I used to be before this self awareness. I want to use "her" as an example in my stories while also shedding light on important mental health topics that I believe millions of us have endured quietly the last 3+ decades.

Even more so, sharing about my same traumatic experiences as I age and develop helps me to deeper process the same things from different perspectives. For example, I just recently discovered that I am neurodivergent and what that even means. It explains so much of my childhood experiences, my blunders in relationships, why I did certain things or struggled in certain areas of my life. Things I felt were trauma responses were actually neurodivergent traits largely hindering me from being able to accomplish things in a neurotypical way. I had no idea I have ADHD and Autism, which NOW explains why I could not achieve certain milestones to other peoples' liking or expectation, especially my own mother who constantly belittled me.

I always wrote about the trauma by analyzing her but remembering those same stories now I can see that things I was punished for or told were examples of my neurodivergent traits. To be honest with you, it brings a sense of relief to know I was just born this way and that not everything connects to my mother depriving me or being right about me being lazy, hyper, a dissapointment, or lacking drive to follow through with ideas.

No mom. I was just an undiagnosed adhd autistic kid who was terrified of your narcissistic parenting.

And then there is the pesky experience of having dissociation, which is common amongst adults who were raised in trauma and now have Complex PSTD.

"Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. The dissociative disorders that need professional treatment include dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, depersonalisation disorder and dissociative identity disorder. Most mental health professionals believe that the underlying cause of dissociative disorders is chronic trauma in childhood." - Better health .vic . gov . au

This is how the brain will cope when there has been too much stress.

In my case, I was born into a family of two undiagnosed mentally ill parents who each actively used drugs and drank liquor daily. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mother remarried when I was 5 to her boss (who was a shitty enabling husband as well as a lousy step parent). I had to live with her and her husband, while my dad just had visitation rights to take me for a few hours or a weekend.

My father was my "friend" while my mother was my "fear". My stepfather insulted, belittled, and ignored me. I witnessed domestic violence between her and him, addiction and blackouts, her at-home hemorrhage of what would have been my half siblings, and her trying to take her own life multiple times. She tried to take mine twice as well while blacked out and then did not remember. But I did. All while my peers were doing after school sports or thinking about midterms, I was trying to survive in a house of horrors. My brain did the best it could for me by blocking out huge chunks of time between Kindergarten and College.

My life can be told in increments of 3 to 4 years, from birth until now at 31. I can write down that timeline by heart, telling you what addresses I lived at, what traumas I experienced, and what specific events led to the cops or CPS getting involved. I can also tell you the timeline of after my parents, the last 15 years I have spent piecing together micro-memories between those traumas.

I feel like although it can be hard for the reader to hear about these events and even more triggering for those who have experienced what I have, there is deep purpose for my writing. Even here on Vocal, I chose to start writing on this profile last August to tell about what I have survived to educate and empower others. Specifically adding to the Psyche and Confessions genres because I want to grow the presence of Mental Health and Trauma on apps like this.

I want to be heard. Because little me needed to be heard. Believed. Saved. I can do her justice now by sharing these stories with the hopes that it will inspire other trauma survivors to keep healing. To eventually speak up about their own experiences and set off a chain of validation for survivors everywhere.

What do I not remember due to dissociating? Normal things. I have no memory of if I ever brushed my teeth or showered. I have no memory of holidays beyond two or three specific Christmas events my mother ruined while intoxicated. I do not remember brushing my hair, getting dressed, playing (much), or eating at the table. I do not remember my mother cooking or feeding me.

I only remember sneaking into the kitchen at odd hours, never trying fruit at all, and eating cold food that I could easily, quietly grab.

I was extremely lucky that through the hardships I was able to get away from my abusers. I was able to go no contact a few years ago as well with my families.

Why do I still keep them and those bad memories alive today?No one believed me or saw proof that my parents were abusive. Not even going to court at 17 against them gained me any validation or truth. My parents denied everything and said I was an awful brat who could do nothing right. I was told constantly that I was a burden or they wish they had a good kid. I keep my truths alive. Not who they claimed to be. - Jean Grey

One thing I can control now is MY OWN NARRATIVE. I am a writer, an advocate, and a creative designer. I am a mom of 3 and wife. I am learning who I am now after doing so much healing and I deserve all of that. In spite of what I went through and what I came from in regards to class, blood lines, as well as the generational traumas that haunted all 3 sides of those families.

It feels lonely initially being a cycle breaker of trauma. That is until you start looking for community and other survivors. Only to realize those traumatic memories you have are similar to theirs... that there is a reason you largely block out things. So you have an even stronger reason to represent survivors of childhood trauma on social media. To find your chosen family and friends.

Please consider subscribing to my Vocal account to read my stories about trauma, neurodivergence, and mental health. I have published over 67 stories on here as well as dozens of poems on my own site. TIPS, READS, and SHARES help me continue to be a stay at home mom while writing about these important topics.

I also write about neurodiversity over on Medium. ( @jeangrey_rising on Medium )