I am neurodivergent and no one ever knew.

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS NOT ALL I'VE SUFFERED FROM

It has been right under my nose for my entire life but I have never had the right information to assess or understand myself. I grew up being passed between two abusive homes with three neglectful parents bullying and neglecting me - the only child under their care. I was not taught the basics of taking care of yourself, the home, or how to understand myself. I just existed and was shunned off to my room, where I focused on my special few interests for hours alone.

The laundry room was off limits because my mother kept her liquor stash there. I was not allowed to put away anyones clothing or go into the bedroom, which i later discovered was where the drugs were stored. My stepfather enabled the addictions my mother had and hid evidence from everyone who ever looked into it to avoid any penalties. But I now see it as a form of control he was able to maintain over us both, as he often referred to me as an animal or a burden.

A mother (and even a father) knows their child well when giving them proper love, attention, and care. A single mother and then the person who had residential custody of me should have SEEN THE SIGNS OF NEURODIVERGENCE and sought out resources. Although I can see the issues as layered because she was a self medicated person who highly likely had complex ptsd and learning disabilities herself. But that just concludes that at least two generations in our family suffered due to undiagnosed or late diagnosed neurodivergence and generational trauma. It does not justify the ways I was neglected, abused, or led to being late diagnosed with mental and physical disabilities.

BEING LATE DIAGNOSED HINDERED MY EARLIER YEARS

I can see clearly now what areas of my life were hindered by not having a diagnosis or understanding that I had these disabilities. But growing up I internalized all of the struggles I had in school and with peers. I internalized everything as some big flaw or choice I was making to be behind, fail at things, or feel like everyone around me thrived while I lagged behind.

Again, my parents were majorly at fault because no signs or symptoms were ever noticed nor brought to the attention of professionals that could have helped our whole family gain resources and support. I barely ever saw a doctor, was never evaluated or considered for any kind of support by professionals in school. In school I was younger than most of my peers because of my November birthday being close to the age cut off. My failing and struggling grades were blamed on my inability to focus or try hard enough. My lack of social connections mattered to nobody. In all aspects, my late diagnosis of ADHD and my autistic traits fell completely through the cracks.

HIGH ACHIEVING, MULTITASKING, AND PEOPLE PLEASING

What do I remember about making friends and building relationships in grade school and college? I frequently thought I had bonded with someone after a simple connection over a shared interest or the sharing of a personal story. I bonded with people who were highly creative, focused on their own special interest, and were very outwardly sharing of their hardships from childhood.

Trauma info dumping connected me to a lot of peers, but when we were not hanging out in person I never kept in contact or engaged with them about anything else. When I got together again with friends, it was like time never passed. I always thought that was just a phrase used to describe great friendships withstanding the test of time. But I now realize not every friend enjoyed being ignored for weeks, their texts unanswered, or me not checking in on their lives. I NOW realize I have time blindness and do not think about or miss people unless I am prompted to suddenly remember and think about them. I am very focused on my busy thoughts and what I have to do daily instead. My daily routines and my special interests are all I can ever seem to think about. I have always been this way and just assumed it was how everyone navigated their lives.

I thrived big time in Community College and at University, for a total of 6 years in school for my AA and BA. I double majored and double minored, dabbled in so many humanities courses, and really loved to search for ways to write or talk about my special interests. Unlike in grade school when I had been referred to as overly talkative and low effort in my main classes, in a College setting I was highly successful at multitasking and earning all A's in my courses. The consistent routines, clear tasks to accomplish, an ability and freedom to talk openly about the topics, as well as the flexibility and autonomy to make my own schedules was the perfect storm for masking my neurodivergent traits. I was thrown head first into a system that kept me functioning and allowed me to stay under the radar.

How would anyone have suspected that I had any learning disabilities, let alone signs of Autism. The social view of being autistic as well as having learning disabilities was largely skewed and only students who sought out evaluations plus a doctors note were taken seriously in their pursuit for support academically. I had no clue about my own neurodivergent behaviors and neither did my teachers or boss.

I look back now and see how often I was very focused on pleasing the people around me, adhering to rules and schedules, as well as how I created my own comforting systems in order to get by as a single young mom in College. From the age of 17 until 25, I was raising my first child all on my own while attending those schools. Whatever responsibilities I had to myself and my child, I managed while attending school and working full time. I threw myself into scenarios that fit what we needed. Shelter. Food. A consistent job, which I kept throughout my years of schooling in the same location within close proximity of my family apartment on campus. I brought my kid to the daycare on campus and then the bus stop at the corner of the complex where we lived all of those years, on a very specific routine that was always followed.

My dating life throughout my teen years and early adulthood was centered on partners being secondary to my child and my academics. I really did not see it at the time, but I chose partners who were very little there for me or involved in my system for life. I did not have close emotional or intimate relationships. I did not have any expectations romantically or even responsibility wise when it came to adult responsibilities. I took care of myself and my child.

I was also no contact with my abusive parents after I left at 16. I moved in with a relative briefly before entering the Colleges, still focused on my academics and raising my child with my own efforts. I made it so my life was very simplistic and small, with not many moving pieces. I no longer talked to my parents and over the years became contact with every single family member from both my bio moms and bio dads sides. No one in my life was my advocate or guardian. I could not see what I could not see when it came to my own experiences and hardships.

PUNISHMENTS INSTEAD OF UNDERSTANDING

I look back now and realize that there were many indications I was neurodivergent. That I had some comorbidities like Aphantasia, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, and Dyscalculia. I had poor coordination and delayed motor skills which was likely shown since I was a small child, when I was completely uncoordinated in sports and had difficulty with balance as well as posture.

The signs and symptoms of these conditions were actually labeled as flaws I had, by my own mother whom I could remember punished me for being messy, clumsy, noisy, sensitive, picky, and attention seeking. All things she grounded, punished and shamed me for. My desire to self sooth, stim, and seek comfort through food or stimulation was present. Just ignored or penalized.

On the one hand, I think about how my parents were people riddled with their own undiagnosed or acknowledged trauma and mental health conditions. On the other, I have to advocate for myself and care about how much I suffered. I am the only one who can actually advocate for my needs and process what has happened to me over the years from not having that support.

Not knowing I was neurodivergent was a disadvantage for me in life because I worked way more than a lot of peers at the basic skills and routines that others did not struggle with. I was very aloof or struggled to conceptualize a lot of social norms, which I did not initially even see I had a problem with since I thought people experienced life like I did. I was quietly drowning a lot in work and trying to meet everyone's expectations while ignoring what my needs were. And no one had to pay for that but myself.

NOW THAT I UNDERSTAND, I NEED TO ADVOCATE

I have been going through the self diagnosis process with assessments for learning disabilities and autism for the last three months, which has been a very tedious process of looking back into my childhood through adolescent experiences. Most of what I remember were severely traumatic events in my abusive childhood home, the struggles I had at school, and the many painful lessons I learned in relationships that mostly always went sour.

I can see clearly now how every chunk of my life, throughout schooling and then becoming an independent adult, I was struggling with these conditions while not knowing it was not just my lack of effort.

I can see clearly how my instinctive parenting techniques and compassion for my own children as a married mother of three stems from deeply understanding the world from their lens. I am not just lucky or in tune with their needs because I am a mother. I am very aware of how they think and feel because I am very similar. That just was not enough for me to realize my own traits all this time. Until I finally came across adults on a popular social media platform all describing their traits of adhd autism in adulthood.

Suddenly it all fell like dominos. All the constructed ideas of why I was the way that I was fell apart, the years of obsessing over personality quizzes and astrology did not hold a candle to the deep realization that I had when I began learning all about neurodivergence and these conditions I have in depth.

I was not hoping to fit into some fad or identify with people. I very clearly see how all my life, since early childhood, I have had these struggles and symptoms that completely flew under the radar.

I have continued to emotionally and mentally struggle as I realize new things and unlock new memories about my past with this new lens. I keep feeling like I have been more deeply abandoned than I ever even knew. Having to grow up feeling so lost, like I was way younger or less capable than peers, and always struggling to blend with with the crowd was a huge weight on me.

It still is. I feel removed and distant from everything I ever knew. I don't know how to build a new life that accommodates myself. For the first time ever, I have to step up and advocate for accomodations in my own day to day routines as well as what I do for a living. I have to speak up for myself and demand support. Why? Because most of the systems in place for adults are not neurodivergent friendly - and that is exactly why I have literally struggled to barely keep up all these years.

In trying to build my own business, in building relationships, in coparenting and navigating a marriage with someone who has never understood or been taught about neurodivergence or what it means to have kids and a wife that are.

It means I am not lazy, lagging, antisocial, unproductive, or a mess. It means I have been trying to stay afloat for years without the proper tools or guidance to realize my way around my challenges. I have described life as a hamster wheel for over a decade..... and it was always just that life felt too daunting and demanding for me.

I have spent years with a special interest that I thought I was building into a business but was really just obsessing over (which is totally for another article to ramble about). I have been avoidant, burnt out, and overwhelmed as a party-of-one solopreneur who did not suck at sales or business... just could not handle or perform all of it according to the ways I learned it or felt pressured to do it.

I have to build a plan for my life now that encompasses a full understanding of my conditions and what challenges I have so I can find tools and support that help me start succeeding. I have never just needed talk therapy, but professionals and a community of people who understand what it means and feels like to be neurodivergent.

As I continue through the log of events in my past and what I believe I have, I am also searching for an affordable and accessible way to be officially diagnosed. I deserved this all as a child, but at nearly 32 I deserve the advocacy and support so my future does not have to feel so overwhelming and unmanageable.

____________________________________________

Want to follow along my self diagnosis and healing journey? Subscribe to my Vocal & Medium accounts.

You can also connect with me on Tiktok via my links:

linktr.ee/jeangrey_rising