Why Do Adults Lie?

Calling someone out for lying might not be such a good idea. Before you call them out, it might be better trying to understand why they are lying in the first place, in case it is connected with your own expectations.

First of all, adults lie for any of three main reasons:

• To avoid the consequences of their actions;
• To live up to the sometimes impossible standards set by those they care about;
• To impress, or manipulate, the people who matter to them most.

The first reason for lying, avoidance of the consequences, is the most common one. It is based on fear and a desire to avoid pain and hurt. We lie instead to get the kind of result we want, or to avoid the pressure and stress from another. People who lack confidence, who live in fear, who tend to blame others unnecessarily and who can't bear anything bad resulting from their actions, tend to lie to avoid those results. But pain and pleasure are twin sides of life. For example, if a date meets a potential soulmate and feels that anything he/she says about their lifestyle might keep that soulmate away (like smoking), they might be tempted to lie about it to avoid the consequence of losing that date, instead of owning up from the first minute to the fact that they smoke, and damn the consequences.

The second reason for lying, to live up to impossible expectations, is a really sad one, which tends to occur in families and at work. People in these situations can see that what is being demanded of them is either not fair or improbable to live up to, but they value thier family or colleagues so much, they still persist in trying to comply, regardless of the emotional costs to themselves. This ends up with them not being who they wish to be, because they have to constantly lie to live up to the expectation of perfection set by others for them.

This kind of lie is regular among those who believe their bosses or significant others won't agree with, or readily accept, what they desire, especially if they wish to do something important which won't get the approval they seek. Instead, they prefer to live up to the perfect ideals of those they wish to please rather than being themselves, openly and honestly. However, such a lie usually carries heavy emotional costs in the form of constant pretence, angst and stress, which often translates into physical illnesses.

Finally, we lie to impress. Many people, especially anonymous ones on the Internet, tend to lie to impress the people they interact with, for whatever reasons, especially to appear knowledgeable or significant. That is why those types tend to be economical with personal information, or sound too good to be true. A lot of people also love the attention they receive from others without really liking the people giving that attention. Of course, in these scenarios, one or both parties are trying to impress and in an insincere fashion, too. There would be trouble ahead when the attention seeker gets bored, or the lack of reciprocity and acknowledgement annoy the attention giver.

Often people can also sense whether we really want the truth or not and give us what we want to hear. Could they simply fear you and the possible consequences of telling you the truth? Do they feel in competition with you and have the need to prove they are as good as you are?

Working out why that person is lying, could be much better than simply bawling them out about it in a self-righteous way, because it is likely to make them deny it, tell even more lies, or even resent you for it. In the end, it really depends on the lie itself, the consequences for you both, and the significance of it to you, as some lies are certainly more damaging than others.

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