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Who am I?

With words, I explore unknown places in the folds of my mind.

By Feriha TuranPublished 2 months ago 3 min read
hi i'am feriha

My Story Has Been Going On For 22 Years

I have been putting it down on paper for a long time.

But these are dreams and falls that I only read and sometimes share with others.

Now I want to give these dreams and falls a place here, the palace or the swamp or often the wreckage of my mind. Are you ready for the danger of joy?

First, let's take time travel.

It will be a short journey because I said goodbye to my previous four notebooks by tearing them to pieces.

29.11.2018 20:14

I came to you, pages, empty pages. I’ve come to fill the emptiness inside me by defiling you. My coming to you may be a descent into my essence. The pen that touches you is a touch to my soul.

By Dan Farrell on Unsplash

I came because the emptiness inside me is overflowing. After all, I can’t escape myself anymore.

I’m surrounded by people, I realize that I’m playing a role. I don’t know if anyone notices, but I feel that these roles are warped on me. I used to take care to be myself, who am I now?

I want to run away from people because they don’t let me be myself. I am at peace when I am alone with myself and realize this loneliness.

I’m just discovering what it means because sometimes I forget myself.

I discover the person I want to be in my loneliness. Maybe people pretend, the masks are so stuck to my face that they have become my identity as they grow up.

I’d like to blame the system, but maybe I’m exploiting myself. A leech clinging to its flesh comes to my mind.

I realize now, isn’t every human being a leech that consumes itself?

I have no idea why any of this matters. I could believe in the sanctity of life if the walls we live in weren’t so cold and the furniture so soulless.

I don’t understand why one person needs another. I wish I could nourish my essence in such a way that this nonsense would leave me forever.

For a few weeks now, maybe since the beginning of my existence, I feel like I’ve been crammed into my shell.

Oh, the night should shatter that shell.

By Diogo Nunes on Unsplash

As I write, my soul fills the room, I have no shell right now, I am naked.

I’m filled with the hope that someone will read these writings (!) I know it doesn’t matter. There’s that stupid desire to be discovered, to be noticed, isn’t that the point?

This is our hunger. Our inability to discover our soul is what drives us to this hunger.

We devalue ourselves I’m sure most people don’t realize it. Hey, look at me! I’m happy. I’m enjoying this life, traveling, having fun, loving, and being loved!

I am successful or I have the image of a complete bum, this is who I am, demand it, demand it!

They use this hunger of ours, they trigger this hunger of ours. In the end, in the pain of meaninglessness, with empty eyes, with an empty mind, there will be fools saying, “What have I done?”

Some awakenings are painful. I should correct that, every genuine awakening is painful.

I think one should start the journey from one’s essence, as one discovers oneself, one discovers the world. I’m not talking about the soulless buildings they erect, I’m not talking about the places of entertainment, their artificiality. The sanctity of nature is the main thing.

Take care of yourself girl, don’t let anyone do it for you. Always stand up straight, don’t bend for anything, and don’t let their counts pollute your soul.

You were the only one who was with you in every moment you lived. The moments are yours, the moment is yours. You are the memories, you are the moment.

This is what you have. This is what you will have until you die. I don’t know what happens after death, but I hope it’s worth all the pain. Nobody wants to be fertilized.


About the Creator

Feriha Turan

Love dreams and falls. For this reason, when introducing myself, I like to include my thoughts and feelings more than standard patterns.

I feel like life, just like life; I have depths and peaks, happiness and scars that never go away.

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