Where Do You Show Up?

I discovered what would be a life-long passion one idyllic autumn day as a sophomore at UW-Madison. Philosophy of Mind 304. I was rapt as the professor presented ideas that made my mind burn.

Hungry for more, I nearly ran back to my dorm to share the glorious news with my father that I had found my major (an agonizing 25-minute walk across campus, pre-cell phone).

When he picked up, I launched into an exciting diatribe about my experience and the way I could feel my worldview already shifting. Who knew such crazy and fascinating perspectives existed? It was the doorway to a new way of being. I could directly feel the connection to my soul.

There was a moment of silence, then a bray of laughter.

“What are you going to do with that, teach?” The laughter continued.

Our Need to Belong

Studies have shown that belonging is a fundamental human need. Humans are wired from birth to form interpersonal attachments as a means of survival, and this need persists throughout our lifetime. Our brain treats social rejection as life-threatening.

When we feel excluded, ridiculed, or rejected, our “lizard brain,” the primitive area responsible for survival, reacts just as it would when attacked or threatened with bodily harm. My father’s response ignited a shame spiral inside me. I felt ashamed of my passion, ashamed of being me.

I don’t remember the rest of that conversation with my father, but two weeks later, I declared Political Science my major and started LSAT prep courses for law school.

Years later, I was not surprised to find myself unfulfilled working as a lawyer managing trusts and estates for a large non-profit. I worked ridiculous hours and eventually began using cocaine to maintain the insane schedule. For the record, not a sustainable plan.

When we don’t have the necessary tools of discernment and self-regulation, all bets are off. We will find a way to quell the pain; the faster, the better. Enter substance use and behavioral disorders.

It took decades to find a professional path that gave me meaning and purpose, partly due to my deeply ingrained messages of what was and was not acceptable as a career.

Soulsick

According to psychology, cognitive dissonance is “the state of discomfort felt when two or more modes of thought contradict each other. The clashing cognitions may include ideas, beliefs, or the knowledge that one has behaved in a certain way.”

When our actions are inconsistent with our beliefs, we throw our system into a state of dysregulation, often with disastrous consequences. Cognitive dissonance can result in various mental and physical issues and significantly cause anxiety and depressive disorders.

I tried to fit the mold, I did.

I obediently donned pantsuits over pantyhose and spent most of my day physically uncomfortable and constricted. I engaged in focus groups, made friends with my co-workers, traveled cross-country to conferences, and chose stock options.

I had no skin in the game. I couldn’t care less about annuities and planned gifts. The work left me drained and dysthymic. I was miserable and soulsick. I entered my first Dark Night and spent the next nine years disconnected from my true north, my authentic self.

The Roadmap for You

It is incredibly difficult in our consumer-driven, racist, classist, misogynistic society to find and follow your own path. Women are bombarded with messages telling us what we can and can’t be. Our sexual viability objectively determines our worth and belonging. We hide our light.

These hidden parts do not disappear. They metastasize. They’re that nagging doubt deep down, that knowledge that the journey we are on is not ours. These hidden parts, our soul parts, want to be seen and heard. They are clamoring for expression and tend to come out sideways if ignored for too long.

Nearly one in ten Americans struggle with depression, but that rate is double in women. As we reach midlife, the risk increases and peaks during the menopausal years. As children grow up and parents pass away, we peel back on the layers of conditioning and seek to hear our own voices.

I can assure you your voice has a lot to say.

It’s been imprisoned in a belief system devoid of meaning and antithetical to what you know to be true. You can recover your soul by tuning in to those moments of shame, the excruciating pain of denial of self.

We are powerful beyond measure when we are aligned with our highest truth. It is difficult to shed these chains, but we can move mountains together.

© Kelley Murphy, 2023. 

Thank you so much for reading! xo

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