Waking Thoughts: A Journey of a Depressed Soul. #5

A quick disclaimer: This is a work in progress and depicts the real Everyday thoughts of a real person. This isn’t going to be some curated “tik-tok” view that people like to pretend is real. This may not always be very pretty, if fact it may get uncomfortable and ugly at times if you don’t like the idea of pain and depression. I am starting a journey of self-discovery and soul healing, I hope that leads to a better future, but we will not know until we take the journey.

The television is still on, I can hear the hushed tones of some old Mason Perry re-run that is mainly used for white noise at the moment. I'm not sure if I have even slept. My eyes are heavy and saddled by dark pits. Last night was almost it, I teetered right on the edge. It’s draining, all the questions that seemingly have no easy answer if one at all. Questions like, how do you think everyone else would feel or think? Yea, I know those thoughts are ever present. Even harder are the questions along the line of, How can I help you? If I knew the answer to this question then I most assuredly wouldn't find myself on this precipice. It’s just a question that adds more weight to this overwhelmed soul. The place I find myself is no ones fault but my own and I don't know how to reassure someone that this burden isn't theirs to carry. I cant even seem to urge my soul to want to go any further under this burden and the thought of adding to someone else's is soul shattering. Being depressed can make you seem stubborn because the tunneled vision perception you get on your soul crushing pain blinds you to the people trying to willingly share some of the burden. The fact that you care about some people so deeply that you dare not think of saddling them with this burden is an act of pushing your life support away that you've become utterly blind to.

All this brings us back to last night and the edge of this pit that I find myself leaning over. The day before I cried out across the anonymity of a random post on the internet, it felt cathartic because these were things I couldn't say straight forward, in person, to people I love. Then I made my rounds saying my silent goodbyes that no one would realize until I was gone. It was a last moment to soak in the joy of their presence and apologize for being a burden all this time. I know they all wish they could help but I can’t add to the burden they already carry so I say nothing out loud but just quietly say thank you and goodbye. They'll be better without me, I'm sure. Now, back on this edge, my eyes begin to fill with tears due to all these uncontrollable thoughts that swirl around my mind like a dark whirlpool that nothing but despair escapes from. I attempt to clear my eyes and reassure myself that this is for the best. If I was meant to continue then God would have answered me, talked to me, reassured me somehow but at this moment none of that has seemed to happen. If only I had some kind of purpose then maybe I could continue because maybe then all this would mean something. Maybe I just missed my purpose and God has cut me off and in if that’s the case then surely I'm doing the right thing. This is it, no more thinking, no more feeling just finality.

Just then my phone goes off, which is odd because I swear, I left it on my bed. I look at the screen, more out of habit than anything else and see it’s an old friend that I haven't heard from in years. I decided to answer before really thinking about and tried to make it a fast interaction. They immeaditly know something is wrong but instead of asking all the typical questions they just begin to talk. At first just about random things like sports and politics and then they inform me that they have recently gotten married. This is something that my friend had preyed for for years. Something that once had them depressed and down, so they know this path I'm on, and they know what this precipice looks like. They point out that it was a mustard seed size bit of faith that pulled them through. That helped them first find a purpose and through that purpose healing. They urged me to pray with them, which we did, and then pointed out that it was no accident that they called exactly when they did. They urged me to think of all the people that reached out to help. I countered that they felt like they had to and this just adds to the despair I feel. He then asked if there were no strangers that reached out or tried to give me encouragnent because God always sends something in ways you wouldn't expect. This made me think about the two strangers that did seek me out after my anonymous cry on the random internet post. They didn't just reply once but several times and even called several times over messenger to reach out to encourage me to keep going. The thought that two strangers would take time from their day to encourage someone, they have never met, to keep going is amazing. The thought that they would offer their time and energy to someone they have no responibility or connection to is inspiring. It makes me realize that there are people who care and not just because we have some connection. These two and now my friend on the phone have done more to open my eyes to more than my blind despair and depression. They have given me hope that God does care and that maybe I still have a chance to find purpose.

My friend remains on the phone with me for several more hours until I'm sure they're satisfied that I have completely walked away from the edge and then right before saying goodbye makes me make a promise. They want me to go to church Sunday and to give it a little more time to see the answers to unanswered prayers. I want to leave here, but not as a liar so I ensure them I will keep my promise and that we will talk in a week’s time. With an aching and foggy mind, I return home to find my bed and some rest. Now, back in the present, I lie awake with the T.V. still droning on in the background. My mind and body still hurt from last night so I sit up and decide that I'm just going to stay in and read something that takes me to another world far from here.