Trying to Fit in With a Disability

Throughout my life, there are times when I have felt like I didn't fit in due to having a physical disability. I was born with Spina Bifida and at the time of my birth, it was still very much the norm that disabled people, no matter their ability would go to special needs school. I was no different, I started my education in a special needs school even though my parents wanted me to be integrated into the mainstream education system. Special needs education was great for making me more independent, but I didn't fit in with the level of work we did. I was always much better than everyone else and so always felt different to my peers. When I went to a mainstream school, this wasn't much better in terms of fitting in, but for quite different reasons. I was different, there was no getting away from that. Living with a disability no matter how independent you are, you will often be seen differently than others without a disability and sometimes it was made massively noticeable through the actions of others. Due to my difference from my peers, there were many times where I felt excluded either intentionally or unintentionally from both my peers and the education system as a whole.

As I got older this made me stronger, but I always felt that I had to prove my capabilities, which in turn has made me quite hard on myself. Some of these traits I have carried into my adulthood and although I am trying to change some of these, there may always be that part of me that expects too much of myself. When I first went into the mainstream education system, I remember being provided with assistance from a support worker and pushing this help away, I often pushed it away as the offer of assistance made me feel inferior to my peers. If I was given assistance and treated differently by others, my peers noticed, making it even harder to fit in. How can I show others who I am in the shadow of my 'assistance' all the time? I wasn't always able to say no in the best way and so I'm sure I upset people along the way. I had to do this though, to prove to myself and other people that I was able to look after myself, that I didn't need any special treatment just because I was in a wheelchair. I needed to show my peers that I could be like them. As I have got older I have learnt to be more diplomatic and if I turn down help now I decline in a much more polite way, sometimes it is just that I am fine and don't need help. I use the example of being pushed up a hill. Let me explain, if I am out on my own without assistance and I come to a hill (one that I am fully aware is there), I know I am capable of getting up said hill. If someone saw a cyclist struggling up a hill or an individual walking up a hill, you wouldn't come up behind them and push them, without asking, would you? So why then do people think it's appropriate to come up behind me, not say anything and just start pushing me? Just because I am in a wheelchair doesn't mean I am incapable, don't take my independence away from me. I know I have digressed here a little but felt it was important to provide an example of being treated differently just because I happen to be in a wheelchair. I regularly go around my local park (more so since Covid 19) and for the most part the regulars just acknowledge me like any other person in the park and am made to feel like I fit in, but there are still times where someone who isn't used to me being there will just come up behind and start pushing me.

The main time that I feel I grew as a person and began to experience life as a person rather than as someone with a disability was when I went to Upper School. During my time at the school, life was not always easy and there were times that I was still bullied but I can look back at this time with much happier memories.

It was the time when I met real friends (some of who I am thankfully still friends with today) and experienced real life. I went to parties, I went to the cinema, I had crushes and relationships, I got into trouble but most of all I learnt what it was to be treated like everyone else. I belonged to a group of friends who wanted to know me for who I was. I went through many of the same experiences any teenager would go through and so finally started to feel like I fitted in (to a certain extent). My friends did not see the wheelchair as a barrier, sometimes to the point they would forget I was even in one! but that also never phased them, sometimes being carried up a flight of stairs just so I could experience the same as they were. Although they always ensured that I was included, I still couldn't help feeling there were times when I still didn't fit in and was noticeably different to my friends, especially when they had to do things like this or there wasn't a disabled toilet. Many reasons why I haven't always felt like I fitted in was due to societies view on disability rather than individuals opinion of me as a person. People get taught right from wrong, but they are taught this through biased opinions provided by society and are then transferred through generations of families.

Although the lives of disabled people are improving and they are feeling more part of society, many disabled people, especially those born with a disability like myself still can find it hard to work out where they fit in within today's society.

As I have got older I have sought out ways to fit in and feel included in something, this is part of the reason I started writing. It gave me a voice and value from the experience. Once I start writing unless specifically discussed in the piece I have written the reader wouldn't know about my disability or how I am made to feel through the way that I am treated. Participating in activities online like this community allows me to fit in on a level playing field. There are no limitations to me being able to write and so no reason to be treated differently.

Writing makes me feel part of something and allows me to feel like I fit in somewhere. So I thank you for reading my work and letting me part of this community, please share the love, like, share and follow me.