Trials of a southern Junkie

My name is Courtney and I'm a 30 year old junkie in recovery.. Born in NC and raised in WV my southern roots and loyalties run deep! We are a breed of people all our own here in the mountain state. Everyone knows everyone and we help even our enemies when they need it..

All I ever wanted was to leave this place growing up. I watched everyone I cared about drink and do pills my whole life. I knew I was going to grow up to join the army and never come back. I was a rebellious little spit fire. Always had something to say back to everyone. I was violent as well..

But maybe I should back up and tell you all why I was the way I was.. At an age so young I really can't remember exactly how old I was. the neighborhood boys played house with me. At first I was so young I didn't know it was wrong. Slowly over what I believe to be two years the abuse progressed and it got to fill blown sexual abuse.. I begged for them to stop. I didn't wanna play with them anymore. The bigger one always laughed and said I didn't have a choice. At some point I got violent and started to really freak out. Scream and kick wildly, cuss and throw blind punches. Eventually I guess they realized I had a voice and I was going to use it.. It stopped..

I'll never forget the day my mom came to me about good touch bad touch. She was washing dishes in my childhood home. And I immediately got scared. Because I know what had happened was wrong. But she was to late. And I remember that made me mad. First time I ever got mad at my mom was because she tried to teach me wrong from right but she was to late. I had already learned that lesson the hard way.. It's not a lesson that life will ever let me forget.. It revisits me in the future 😓.

Growing up it was just me and my older brother. Eighteen months between us. We looked like twins everyone said.. I was content with the fact I was going to be the only girl on that dead end road until I was old enough to leave. One day when I was like seven I came home from school and a strange woman was sitting in our living room and beside her was a girl,older than me, looked so much like me I was confused. I asked my mama who she was and got the first huge game changer of my life. She was my sister. Belonging to my dad and that strange chick on the couch. Man I was so excited. Here was an older sister. Someone to protect me and teach me about boys and all that sappy little girl Shit.. Boy was I in for a surprise. She didn't stay with us at that time. We didn't see her often. Then one day I came home and there she was with all her stuff.. Awesome, finally I can play with a female. She was about 7 years older than me. So of course she didn't wanna play with me. But she let me follow her round. Watch her do makeup,talk to boys on the phone, and sometimes she even colored pictures with me..It couldn't have been betterfor me at that time. No older boys bothered me anymore, I wasn't going to be alone on that dead end dirt road to know where.. She lasted about 4 months if even. And one day she was just gone again. My first real heartbreak was learning she moved back in with her junkie prostitute mom.. My little mind was racing! Why would she do that? Go back to being hungry and always scared because u don't know any of these men coming in and out of the door and her mom was always fucked up Beyond belief..why? She had her own room here and my mom is a saint. She got her first play girl living here and more support than she ever had.. I just couldn't understand why. It would be years before I learned the truth.

My sister was strong. Knowbody was going to tell her how to live her life. Our dad and her had different opinions on how a young lady should conduct herself.. She chose the easier path for herself and started drinking and doing drugs. At 16 she gave birth to her first son. Almost ended up in prison for a really long time.. I wanted to be just like her. Rough around the edges but soft to the touch. Loud but quiet when it counts.. Stand by myself like she did (this one was a lie I told myself). Truth is she never stood alone. If she wasn't with her mom she was living with her aunt. She always worked but between me and her aunt we were raising her son without her. I told myself she was young and would get it together. She just needed my help with the kiddo because if she was always stressed out with a baby she would never get sober.. I watched her try and fail and try again. Over and over. In the mean time I'm a 12 year old girl having to wash dishes and stuff for old nasty biker men to get enough money to feed the kid. Not myself just the kid. As young as 11 grown men would tell me they couldn't wait to taste me. Till I grew up. Make me their own because at that young of an age I was running my sisters house raising her kid. And keeping almost everyone in that lived in the trailer park house clean as Shit. I was always scared. Heart racing but I covered it with fake anger. I threw alot of fuck yous their way and a whole lot of my dad will kill you.. None of them even cared. Very few actually tried to touch me. Most just talked Shit and stated at me licking their lips.. Those who actually tried ended up punched in the face or kicked in the nuts if they was really big..

I'm a small woman. Long legs packed into a 5'5 body about 120 pounds when my thyroid isn't acting stupid. Most times I'm closer to 100 even. Every one of these men had me beat with physical strength.. I started to sit in rooms with my back to the wall.