To Stay or Not to Stay: How Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Affects Your Love

All is perfect. Just perfect.

You've found a partner and you've got wings at the soles of your shoes. But, fly too close to the sun and you'll get burned... every single time.

Why can't your brain cooperate with the perfection that is your loving relationship? He's got it all, right? He's a kind, considerate, and loving man with an agile mind and sharp humour. His eyes pierce into you and you want to wake up next to him every morning. He's great in your life, with your family, and fits into your day-to-day like a glove - you're happier for it.

Until you're not.

Something can trigger you at any moment, but by now, you know this. Whether it's his smile or height or walk, your mind is subconsciously and consciously alert; you're working to find a sign of impending failure, a reason why your relationship is imperfect and doomed. You are looking for something to start to fixate on. At a moment's notice, a glimmer of hope bursts through the intrusive lines of criticisms that ricochet in your mind; you remember that maybe you do love your partner and that this one detail is insignificant.

But, the anchoring thought is quickly whisked away by the forceful tides of obsession, now lost with the breeze.

You are at sea in an all-consuming, unstoppable downward spiral of focused assessment: is my partner really the one, or is this whole relationship doomed to fail; are we both in a farce; how can I find out; how fast can I find out; how can I shut myself down to find out?

All is perfect. Just perfect.

There was this girl. Let's call her Joanne, just to make sure we're keeping her identity safe. And much like Jolene from the song, she's got a few physical and emotional attributes that are appealing to my partner (and to me). She's sweet, kind, and physically attractive - pretty normal stuff. Every time I see her post online or in person, I can't help but shut down emotionally. My mind starts dancing around the obsession and boils it down to one thought: my partner cannot love me as he loves her, obviously his attraction to her means he prefers her, he wants to leave me, he's secretly in love with her, he doesn't love me, we shouldn't be together.

This was my reality every few weeks, whenever we'd have to go be around her. Over time, I told my partner the truth and how their interactions made me feel. He was considerate and kind toward me, but I couldn't help to shake off the feeling. That is until a new feeling took over and consumed me instead. A feeling, at that point, became a misnomer - what I came to realize was that it was an obsession.

One obsession was simply replacing a new obsession. The first obsession lost its meaning when this new one took over.

My pattern of behaviour is indicative of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, ROCD acronymically. ROCD has its roots in OCD and therefore, OCD must be understood before ROCD can be understood.

The ROCD is rooted in a perceived threat that transfers into anxiety. Observational or environmental evidence that goes against the anxiety is ignored; meanwhile, since the perceived threat is fear, it justifies the anxiety because the sufferer imagines that they're trying to prevent something bad from happening. Since the perceived thread is never materialized and could always happen, the fear is constant and the behaviours perpetuate without end. The danger is always a potential, thereby making the fear-driven behaviours both ceaseless and seemingly necessary.

It's kind of like your mind thinking "I never know when this could happen so I must keep on working to prevent it from happening". Any form of logical certainty that the threat is gone is unattainable - and so the mind stays on the treadmill, ruminating.

ROCD can be caused by a variety of factors, but the truth is, until you're aware of whenever it's taking over your perception, you'll always experience your relationships half-blind. The first step is gaining awareness so that you know exactly when the issue is rearing its ugly head.

Education Corner

Note: Do not self-diagnose or diagnose your partner(s) with relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder. Schedule time with a licensed professional if you feel as though you are experiencing symptoms.

To read the book on relationship OCD (ROCD), visit this link: https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/read/24362642/sleeping-with-rocd.

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