The Wonderful World of Me

Oh hey, you came back, when last we spoke, we went from my childhood to me discovering what was really wrong with me and doing something about it and now we are going dive into how I deal with these issues on a day-to-day basis. Living with an issue that you have never had properly diagnosed is really hard because you know what is wrong with you but trying to explain it to people especially family can be difficult. Most of the time when I try to tell people, they assume it's an excuse because it always starts out normal but then they ask me to go out with them, and therein lies the problem, going out or even talking on the phone causes internal issues. I want to find love but don’t know how to do that with anxiety, because of the scariness of what could happen, it’s not even attempted sometimes, plus I get bored so easily that I will download a dating app only to delete it after a day or so. That is just what happens when it comes to dating and trying to explain to people what is going on with me even if they don’t believe me for most of the time.

The worst part about having this problem is trying to focus on a task or job, I have been on this writing journey for the past few weeks and usually, when it starts it’s exciting and really intense but then it ends just as soon as it starts, boredom sets in and it’s time to move on. I get really excited about a project and will do that for about a week and then move on to something else that interests me leaving the previous project unfinished or just deleted off the phone. The problem is the lack of motivation to continue with the project, if there is no real need to keep going then it will get pushed to the back of the line and have to wait to be remembered again. Now I can focus on a project if I have the proper motivation to do so, if there is an end goal that I am trying to get then it can be done, I just have to want it bad enough that I will force myself to focus on the task at hand. There are so many things that I want to do but I can never focus enough to get them done, I even try to set deadlines for myself but because I can just extend them nothing gets done on time.

Anxiety sucks balls because you want to do normal things but the thought of what could happen stops you from doing it every time; I have social anxiety which means that just talking on the phone causes me to have a mini panic attack, even with friends, and family. I stay home all the time because going out scares me, I can go out with family and sometimes by myself but being the center of attention gives me hives because I hate people staring at me. I think writing became an outlet for me because I could hide behind the words of a story or poem; you don’t have to deal with other people because you're just working alone and you can post under a fake name. There are a lot of skills I have such as singing that I would love to utilize but can't because of how bad my anxiety is, and the thought of singing in front of people gives me such bad panic attacks. I have been trying more and more to come out of my comfort zone because I am way too old to act the way I am acting, granted it took me a long time to get where I am right now, and I don’t want to go back.

My life has never been normal but it has been interesting, the number of stories I have about all the things that have happened to me over the years just from having these issues; there have been countless times I have said or did something without thinking. I have a bit of an impulse control problem from ADHD, I tend to speak before my brain has a chance to catch up and some might consider me a bit of an insulting person at times. It’s not like I do it on purpose, if you ask me a question I will give you a straight answer, if it seems like I was insulting you, I wasn’t doing it to be mean it just came out before my filter had a chance to catch it. I can remember telling a friend that I would do a dance number at her birthday party once, after the first rehearsal I gave up because my anxiety got the better of me, I don’t know if she was mad or not but I did try. Having to deal with the constant shame of feeling like I am just going through life and not really living makes me want to just hid away from the world and never come back, but that is the problem.

Here’s the thing, I know that the only way things are going to change is if I change them but it is hard to do when you have been living a certain way your whole life and you have grown accustomed to the way things are in your life. I just want to live a normal life or as close to normal as possible; life is always going to find some new thing to put in my way but as long as I find a way around it, there is nothing stopping me from living how I want. At the end of it all, I just need to find better ways of concentrating and not letting my anxiety control the way I move in the world; my life is mine and I will do with it what I want even if that scares the hell out of me. Once again I want to thank the ones that made it this far in my story and I appreciate that you were willing to read about a stranger who you could care less about. I truly hope that you come back because I will be wrapping up this series on my mental health journey but I not be ending my journey into mental health because there are so many aspects that I want to explore and I want to take you along for the ride.