The Wonderful World of Me

Welcome back, now that we have learned that my childhood was one big ass mess of undiagnosed ADD and ADHD with a lot of anxiety thrown in for good measure, let’s talk about what it was like figuring this all out as an adult. When you are a child, you don’t know what is going on with you, you made to believe that it’s typical kid hating school stuff, so they say to focus more and pay attention but that doesn’t help. That is what happened to me, told to focus more and try to pay attention better; meanwhile, I am having the hardest time trying to sit still in class and not wet myself from other issues that I had. When looking back on my childhood and the behavior I showed, the realization that something was wrong comes to mind, but with no idea where to look for answers, a roadblock is hit and a new route must be taken. The real concern is not finding a place to start it’s finding the money to pay for it when the place is found, most places want you to pay for their services and I don’t have the money right now.

To be honest, when I started learning about psychology it wasn’t because of figuring out my childhood learning problems, truthfully, people would come to me to talk about their problems and that fascinated me, I didn’t even care about the money, I just wanted to help people. However, that didn’t come until later on because becoming I was convinced that I was going to be a pastry chef and open a shop someday, but when that fell through I just sat around feeling sad. Eventually, I stopped feeling sad and just decided to find a new career choice and that is when the memories of listening to those people's problems and wanting to know more to help them came back. The decision to go back to school for the first time was made and enrollment in community college took place, unfortunately, my counselor didn’t listen to me when I said I wanted psychology and gave me sociology instead. Three or so years were spent learning about sociology because according to her, “sociology and psychology go hand in hand” and although I was mad at the time, it did make it easier the second time I went back.

Enrolling in the four-year university was a great way to learn more about what mental illnesses are but also figure out how learning on a bigger scale was going to be, it was great because I didn’t have to leave my house with everything being online. I could go at my own pace and get as much help as I needed; when you are dealing with ADHD it can be hard to stay focused on a task so it was great to have online textbooks especially the ones that read out loud. I could put on a textbook while I was doing something else, I could just let the words flow to my brain because when I read a book myself I have a tendency to let my mind wander away. When my mind is not focused on reading I have to re-read things multiple times in order for me to understand it, and I hate having to keep reading the same thing over and over again, I just want to finish and move on. The experience that being in school and learning new things can bring is like no other but when you have a hard time concentrating it can feel like you are going on forever about the same subject.

Finding out you have this thing that can be treated to great, realizing that you have no money to pay for it is not so great; I know what is wrong with me, but without money or insurance there is no way to pay for the help that is needed. Going through the process of trying to get insurance is frustrating because they make you jump through hoops in order to get even a tiny bit close to getting where you need to be and that is both sad and angering. They make you show all these documents like proof of income and if you don’t have that then you have to send a letter stating that you don’t have income even though you already explained that you don’t have it. It’s like they want you to give up so they don’t have to help you even though it is their job to help those who need it, I am reminded with helping people like me they are losing money or so they think. The healthcare system is a joke right now and most of these people are looking for how much money they can squeeze out of you because at the end of the day it is all about the money for most people.

My thoughts on having ADD, ADHD, and social anxiety are things I have been feeling for a long time but was too scared to say because of how I thought it might make me look like a person but everyone is saying that you have to live your truth. I want to tell my story so that I can look back and remember how it felt to stand up and say that I have this disorder but I am not going to let it continue to force me into a corner with fear and frustration. As bad as things may seem right now I am trying my best to do something about it because I don’t want to go on not having a formal diagnosis to tell my family even though they will say it is an excuse to be lazy. I can admit when I am being lazy, most of the time I am not being lazy, I have things I want to do but I get distracted and I start to do something else and by the time I come back it’s too late to do it. I once again want to thank those of you who took the time to read this little piece of my life story because you didn’t have to but you chose to and for that, I want to say thank you and I hope you come back for more.