The Space Between: Finding Common Ground with Others

The following is a presentation I used to give as a facilitator of a session on Spirituality and Peer Support. I share it here to make it available to others who might want to use it in some way.

In fact, I believe that any individual who would like to be able to sit with others who are in challenging situations can use this to learn how to do so without judgment.

To carry it just a little further, I think this is a helpful way to think about having conversations with others who you may or may not be in agreement with. No matter who we are talking with, no matter how different we may be, there is always “the space between.”

The Space Between

DW Winnicott was a child psychologist who created a theory called Object Relations Theory. I’m not going to get into this too deeply, because it’s not necessary to understand the complete theory in order to grasp the concept in a way that we can use it.

Generally, his idea was related to mothering, specifically with the goal of understanding how to be a good enough mother. It was his opinion that it is not necessary to be a perfect mother to raise a healthy child. It is necessary to be a good enough mother.

The concept is used by Spiritual Directors in relation to an individual’s relationship with a greater being, with other people, or even a relationship to literature and art. It’s the relationship that we have with something other than ourselves, and how we can connect with that in a positive way. In this case, we are talking about becoming a good enough support person.

Anyone who wishes to support others needs to connect with others in order to allow them to learn how to help themselves. There is a space between them and ourselves where communication happens, encouragement happens, and growth happens. It is also where our growth happens even as we help them.

This space between is a place for us and the person we are helping to explore our like-mindedness and differences in ways that will help them find answers for themselves in their spirituality and in their emotions.

In Object Relations, there is a tangible item that represents the “space between.” This item connects the two individuals, or the person, and the thing that is greater than them. A quick example of my own life is my son’s rabbit, whose name was “Chocolate.”

As a young child, my son had a lot of worries about me when I was not there. So, to help him feel safe, I ended up spraying a little bit of perfume on my son’s little rabbit and he would hold that rabbit when I was gone to be reminded of how much I love him and that I was there for him even when I wasn’t physically there for him.

This provided a space in which I was communicating with him even in my absence. In Spiritual Direction, this idea is represented by various objects such as the cross in Christianity, chanting in Buddhism, statues of deities in Hinduism, the lighting of candles, or the use of crystals in other traditions.

These things are objects or ideas that connect the individual to something other than themselves, which helps the individual in their growth towards becoming whole.

So, how am I envisioning this as a support tool? Describing it can be sort of convoluted, so bear with me a moment. Literally, bear with me. See the little bear in the photo above?

That bear represents a space. It is a space between me and the other person. This bear that can hear anything and not judge what the other is saying. This bear can contain my feelings and my perceptions without becoming a wall between me and the other person, even when I may disagree vehemently with what the other person is saying.

The bear is listening and feeling for the humanity that connects me and my peer. At the same time, it connects me to something greater, something good. It connects me to God or the universe. It also connects my peer to God or whatever they call something greater than themselves, the universe or science, or whatever they find hope in.

We sit together with the bear between us and we allow a conversation that sort of happens through the bear’s ears. Now, because we are not mothers and children this bear may seem silly, so we take the bear out of the equation and yet there is still something in that space.

We all will call whatever that is something different. We may simply call it empathy, we may call it God. We may call it ether. We may call it spirit. Whatever it is, it connects us. It allows us to find common ground.

It allows us to keep our critical voice silent so the other person may share whatever they need to share.

Then, if we need to share back, it keeps us safe, because we have allowed that space to hold our doubts, to hold our fears, to hold our frustrations, to hold our judgments, and to allow us to hear the places in our peer’s conversation where we can connect in that common ground.

A quick exercise to do with another person

This is practice using the “space between.” Please read through the entire exercise before trying it out.

Sit in chairs facing toward one another.

Now, sit comfortably. Take three deep breaths.

Visualize between you a space that is not empty but is “filled” with something that connects you. Visualize it in your own mind so that it’s whatever works for you. If you wish, you can use a tangible item like the bear as a relational object.

Now, one of you share a spiritual, emotional, or religious practice that helps you through a tough spot.

After a few moments, switch sides, so each person has a short time to reflect on their practice with the other.

Whether you agree or disagree about your spirituality, it’s important that you withhold your response. Just listen to one another respectfully and be aware of the “space between”.

When you are done, take time to discuss the following:

1. How did it feel to listen

2. How did it feel to share

3. How can you use this practice when you’re listening to others, especially when you don’t agree on things?

NOTA BENE: I am not a Psychologist. My related training is in Clinical Pastoral Education, Peer Support, and Spiritual Care. My education is in religion, spirituality, anthropology, and office administration. I’ve worked in social work, peer support, spiritual direction, office management, secretarial and clerical, customer service, and food service.

Resources:

D. W. Winnicott, Playing and Reality, 16, (New York: Routledge. 2005).

Stephen Parker, “Winnecott’s Object Relations Theory and the Work of the Holy Spirit,” in Journal of Psychology and Theology, 2009, Vol. 36, №4, 285–293.