The Elusive Feeling of Being Energetic

This will be a bit of a personal post. I have had a difficult year for various reasons, but they all combined were leaving me totally drained and, at times, unable to take care of my home properly, and I had to take a prolonged sick leave. This was not fun.

Creative

I love content creation - writing, photography, videography, digital art, handcrafts; you name it. But then there is the problem of running out of energy. I enjoy doing all these creative tasks, yet there are days when I am simply unable to keep up. Creative endeavours give you the freedom to express yourself and clear up your mind.

Blessed with luck

When good things start coming my way, I am fortunate, and little effort produces solid results. I consider myself a lucky person. Life has been seemingly arranging itself to present me with various opportunities. Many times, I have said that things could barely be any better.

But cursed

I sometimes wonder if I am somehow cursed. There are some health matters that dictate my life at times. I get overwhelmed easily. This means tired, less productive and prone to making mistakes. Now, the problem is that this happens more often than for the average person. I have been labelled as lazy or as uninterested in my tasks, which is not true. If my head is about to explode, there is nothing I can do. Pushing just makes it worse and eventually leads to burnout. Not to mention how crushing it is on the self image.

Energised

Being inspired creates the feeling of freedom, lets your dreams run wild, and you feel like you can achieve anything. You see the path to your dreams and start working on them. You plan your future steps. It looks so promising. You start carrying them out and even see the rewards for that.

But quickly exhausted

I get exhausted mentally very quickly. Stress is a silent killer to all of us. I internalise matters and run out of dopamine to keep myself up and running. I fall victim to my fears, and anxiety eats my energy and time. As a result, hours pass, yet I have achieved little. I miss opportunities that I could have benefited from.

Neurodivergent

Neurodivergence is a common topic in my posts. This is who I am. We, neurodivergent people with autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, or other neuropsychological conditions, are a minority, and we are often misunderstood. We are not mentally ill. We are not insane. We are different, and there is plenty of judgement that we receive. We have some limitations, or we may act differently than expected. This is not attention-seeking. It is not laziness. These are our needs. We are not trying to cheat. We are not abusing society or the social benefits offered by a country.

And misunderstood

Please, try to understand us. Do not judge us based on an occasion or two. Maybe you have found us in bad shape. Yes, we have days when we are not able to contribute to society. This may sound like we are useless. But to a significant extent, this results from our needs not being met. We are not babies, but something as simple as giving us more space to “just breathe” and be ourselves actually decreases our anxiety level.

Are you more productive when you are able to focus on your task or when you are constantly shifting between the task and the fear that you will fail and that others will judge you for it?

Mixed feelings

I do not regret being born neurodivergent. I do not wish I did not exist (though I used to). This is my story. I cannot always keep up. I hate the anxiety that stops me from performing to my potential. But I am glad that I am creative. It helps me evolve in life.

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