The Calm

She walked over to the edge of the rooftop of the 15-story apartment complex where she lived. It was really dark, but I guess that’s the distinguishing feature of night. The stars above shone brighter today, right? Or she hadn’t been out much to notice their comparative brightness anyways. There was barely any movement below. Some cars passed by and people stepped out of them, walking into the building, but beyond that, even the birds dared not animate.

Feeling numb, she stepped up to the edge of the roof, sat down so her calves were dangling off the side.

Wow. She took a deep breath in. How was it that something so dangerous felt so calming? If she jumped off now, she had a high risk of dying but sitting here was tranquil bliss. It was as if the verge of something horrible could be relaxing. Did that sound messed up? She didn’t know. Lately, she didn’t know how to feel or what to do. Everything seemed meaningless and to no end. Even the ends she thought she wanted could’ve easily been someone else’s desires. That made her doubt herself: what did she want? That question had been one she’d and many other people had asked all her life, but that didn’t make her any closer to getting an answer. The lack of a proper answer would also be a means of justifying the lack of the need of her existence.

If I’m doing nothing with my life, should I give myself up? Give myself up to whom? She asked herself.

Her thoughts never led anywhere. Sometimes she wondered what their purpose was. Or maybe it was one of those things that just existed, without any higher purpose? If that were true, maybe she could be like that. She was full of thoughts, so that made her thoughtful. Even though she was thoughtful, she wasn’t purposeful. But maybe that’s just how it was.

So what now?

Exactly.

Another sigh. She looked over her shoulder to the door behind her. The door she had come in from. It was still open, almost as if beckoning for her to come back. Maybe life was like that? You walk through a door, sit on the edge of a roof for a while, then get up and go back through the door from which you came at an appointed time. And there was no ‘higher purpose’ or ‘greater meaning’.

But then sometimes, people fall off or get pushed off and die before that ‘appointed time’. So when is my ‘appointed time’ or am I going to be of those people who fall off or are pushed off instead? How will I know?

Exactly.

Another sigh. When her phone rang, she was almost thankful to be yanked out of her thoughts.

“Hello?” she answered, pushing back any urges to let anyone know what lurked in the depths of her mind.

“Hey, just wanted to let you know I got work early and will be home in 15. Also, I’ll pick some pizza up on the way.” It was him. As the most frequently mentioned, called and texted person on her phone, she wasn’t really expecting anyone else.

“Okay” was the only thing she could really manage, could you blame her?

After the call ended, she hesitated where she sat. All of a sudden all the thoughts came back to her like a silent tsunami would crash onto the shore of an unsuspecting little town.

You could just scoot forward a little. It would be so easy and I bet it wouldn’t even hurt. This voice was new. She didn’t remember ever having such thoughts before. Besides, he’d just as easily find a replacement for you.

She lurched back, slow to the realization of what her thoughts were saying. She stood up and headed for the door. At the threshold she paused for a second and looked back at the edge of the roof one more time. How peaceful and non-deadly it looked. How deceptive it could be, and how easy it was for it to be this way. It reminded her of something in her past that she rather not dwell on. She hastened through the door, shutting it from behind her.

Unfortunately in the real world, walking through doors doesn’t instantly kill you. For the most part. Sitting at the table with him, holding a slice of pizza in her hand, she thought of all the various ways walking through a door could be lethal.

“So, how was your day?” he asked.

She immediately took a large bite of the pizza, in hopes it would buy her some time to think and shake the thoughts of deadly doors from her mind.

“Fine.” She pronounced the word. It wasn’t cold, or resentful.

Just. Pronounced.

She looked down to avoid meeting her eyes, for people had a strange way of expressing and reading into people’s emotions through their eyes. She wondered if he might be able to see the rooftop in them if he looked too long. Maybe, she should tell him. Maybe, he could help her. Maybe, she could grow past those thoughts.

“Are you sure?” There was a hint of doubt in his voice. She figured it was only natural, as there was also something about the way people avoided eye-contact that made others think something was out of place.

She hesitated for a second, almost wanting to tell him, to confide in something, to trust someone.

“Yup.”