Suicide Survival

I preferred to be in a psych ward than be home. I couldn’t be trusted alone, or around other people. I felt disconnected from the world, my vision was blurr. It felt like, I was looking from my mind out, not my eyes. My mind felt like it had a mind of its own, could you imagine having thoughts but not being able to speak them, & at the same time another voice in your head is thinking & you automatically say what’s on their mind, our mind, my mind? I changed dramatically in a matter of days, I wanted blood on my hands. My mind felt like it was racing & it kept racing because there was no finish line. Voice 1: “Can they tell we’re in hell?” Me: “Stop… Okay, I need help”. & she started again, “yeah, you really do bitch”. I was really battling the voices in my head, on my way to get help.

The scenary up to the hospital was beautiful, I always enjoyed watching the trees by the highway. Not that I could see much, I could see the trees after we passed them. The windows were small in the all white ambulance, I was lucky the trees were tall. It will always remind me of home, anyway. I love highways & trees. The drive wasn’t long, but again my mind was running marathons the whole time, my phone was taken away & so time to me was endless. Everything felt fast. I wanted to snap their necks but yet there I was, complying. Thinking. I felt evil but it felt good. Part of me wanted to give in to all the voices. The other part of me was so scared she didn’t know what to do.

We get up to the hospital, & wow. It didn’t look like a place for crazy people! The outside of the facility looked normal, like a huge normal hospital. My family met us up there. I was never alone. I wanted to kill myself because I felt like I didn’t belong here, but they felt like I did. “Why are they here?” A voice spoke softly in my mind. “Idk” I replied. When we entered the facility, you could see in my face how afraid I was. Ever watched the second season of American Horror Story? I thought I was there. The hallways were long, the floor had carpet. There was a Spanish light skinned man already arguing with the staff members about taking off his fitted cap. I looked over at my mom. I changed my mind. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I wanted to go home!

“Ya estamos aqui”. I guess she could see the fear in my face. My mother suffered more than I did, she saw that I needed help, & wanted help. It was a wild transition for us all. “Why did I do this to her?” I whispered under my breath. I knew this was hard, but I had to. They sat me in a room, with books everywhere. The light felt dimmed, the carpet was burgundy. I sat there and waited as my mother finished signing the paperwork in another room. The guy taking the garbage out of my room asked if I had ate yet. “No” I answered. I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want to eat. “They’re serving dinner now, did you want me to bring you something? When you get upstairs dinner will be over” the old man dressed in blue said. “Bitch, did I ask you for something to eat?” Why were they doing this? Who are these fucking voices? “No thank you” I answered softly. A tear came down my left eye. What the fuck is wrong with me?

A man and two women walked in. They were very well dressed. The tall, white middle aged man was wearing a navy blue suit with a blue and white poke a dot tie. The short, brunette light skinned freckled young woman was wearing a yellow and white long sleeved dress. The third woman was a skinny tall blonde, wearing a regular black dress. They introduced themselves, my doctors. They sat down and talked for what seemed like forever. For some reason, after they introduced themselves, it’s like I went back in my mind & spaced out. “Okay thank you, we’ll move you upstairs now. Your bed should be ready” The man said as they got up and were walking away. “What were we talking about?” I asked myself, can you believe they replied? “In other words, welcome to hell, good luck to us all”. I chuckled. 🤭

I went back to the main hallway. The nurse handed me some some blue scrubs, so I could give my clothes to my mom. I did. The dude was arguing about his hat, eventually gave in. His eyes looked sad, but his body language seemed like he was angry. He went up first. I said my goodbyes to my mother, who promised she’d be back to visit. I had to have gone through five doors just to get to my wing. My floor was lonely, & quiet. By now, it had to have been around Ten/Eleven O’Clock. The floors looked like a school cafeteria floor, there were phones that looked like payphones almost in every corner of the long hallway. There was a Tv that was off, enclosed behind glass. The nurse walked me to my room, & told me everything I needed was on my bed. I walked in and my roommate was already asleep. Over on my bed was a little care package, toothbrush, soap, toothpaste, & comb. It was so cold. I laid down, put the covers over me; & fell asleep.