Suicide Survival

I woke up crying. I feel my hospital bed moving. “What happened?”. I thought to myself. I stand up. I see my mom and I hug her, she looked so tired. I cried a little bit as the nurses transporting me waited patiently for me to get back on. They moved me to a different area, where the adults were. I was just 18 y/o so I was in peds when I first came in. “What were you thinking?” Asked my mother. Now I was confused. Was she really about to lecture me about suicide at the hospital? Can I go home first? Ugh! “Why did u attack the nurse?”. “I didn’t attack any nurse, what are you talking about?” I replied. I don’t know where my aunt went. I wasn’t sure of what time it was so I guess it must’ve been pretty late. “Yes you did! She came to put the IV in & you pinned her against the wall, smacked her, & choked her”. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. Hell, to this day; I can’t believe it. I cried harder. “Luckily she didn’t want to press charges”. “Where’s Beth?” I asked again. “Home with the girls”. I was calm now. She was home with my baby & Diana. I thought to myself, “How could I attack a nurse?” A different nurse came over to tell my mom she couldn’t stay because the hospital wouldn’t allow it since I was no longer in pediatrics. Great. We said our goodbyes and she promised she’d be back in the morning. Time to rest.

I heard a whisper in my head as I laid there with the white sheet covering me up to my neck. “Take it off”. “What?” I replied to myself. “Take the IV off”. I looked down at my left arm which was housing the IV. Nicely taped. Funny. I don’t remember getting my IV put in. I started picking at the bandage tape that holds the needle in place until it finally came out and the only thing left to do was pull the needle out. I stared at it again. “Is everything okay?” Asked a nurse who happened to walk by. I looked up at her and replied, “yes! Thank you”. She gave me a warm smile and walked away. I look back down at my arm. “Just do it”, this voice wasn’t alone, but it sounded like me. I start to steadily remove the needle from my arm, slowly seeing how it ejected from my skin. Until it was fully out, didn’t take long at all. Blood shot out everywhere. It was deep red, it felt so warm. I laid there and watched the blood leave my vein. I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel. I was numb.

It happened again. I guess I blacked out. I woke up & this time I was under observation in peds. When I woke up they moved me to a different area with little kids, seriously. I had a bandaid where my IV once was. I wasn’t sure how much time passed by, they must’ve sedated me because my mom was here now. The look of worry she gave me pierced me, & I sat there crying silently as she consoled me. What is wrong with me?

The love of a mother is strong because I was ready to give up, yet she was at my side every time I woke up. She was there every step fighting for me when I couldn’t fight for myself anymore. She showed me love, I mattered to her. I was her daughter again. The next few moments were a blur.

A woman came and sat next to me, remember we’re in peds. I was in a dark place mentally. I was so numb inside that crying was all I could do. I hated life. I couldn’t understand why the universe would let me come back to this shithole. My mom & her started a conversation & next thing I knew she was asking me if her sisters could come in & speak the word for me.

I couldn’t decline. I agreed. A few women came in to show support. That night, or day, or afternoon because I swear I didn’t even know what day it was, I felt different, I felt better after Pam’s sisters came to speak to me about “I am”. Pam opened up & told us about her daughter who just that Friday had attempted to take her life & succeeded. She felt my mothers pain. A feeling came over me because I couldn’t believe that she was here helping by consoling my mother & I when she herself was grieving. What an amazing woman. “I’m having her funeral on Wednesday, if you would like to come”, Pam said. How could I say no? I felt such a connection to her that I had to go. I remember she kept telling them she HAD to be released to make it to her daughters funeral. “I’ll be there, send me the address and we’ll go”. We exchanged numbers, and shortly after I was released after speaking to a psychiatrist for five minutes and convincing him I was fine when I knew I wasn’t! I got home & bugged my mother about going the following day.

Pam believed it was “I am” who placed her in my path, & I agree. Our spirit guides, ancestors, & archangels have their ways of making miracles come true. That night as I wrote her & we exchanged messages, all I could do was cry more. I felt like I needed to be with her. The following day came &! It was time to go to the funeral. I couldn’t wait to see her, my savior. My sister drove to Fordham & the funeral home was closed. I was so confused. What? Did I get the wrong time? I got hysterical & began thinking that maybe Pam wasn’t even real. Wtf? I had to make it!!! Beth reassured me to calm me down that she knew other funeral homes with the same name so she drove to a few more funeral homes until we found the right one. Thank Godness. My mother & I got out. Wow. It was full of people outside and inside. I walked in and saw Pam in the lobby with family. I came to pay my respects to her & her family, so I put my introvert shit aside & walked up to Pam. She quickly hugs me & introduces me to a few members & tells them I’m the girl she met at the hospital, the girl who gave herself to yehōshu'a. She told me how she herself wanted to end her life because a piece of her was gone, but the universe led her to me. She was meant to meet me.