Still going..

4. I learned something today..

This afternoon i had some company for lunch which for me can either be hard because i have moments where being sociable is just something i cannot do or its welcomed because i can be a little lonely. Today was the second. While im sitting there enjoying the time spent, we got to talking about some deep things like the past and things that both of us have experienced and gone through when all of a sudden it hit me. It hits me that i have never had a single relationship with someone that had developed naturally. All my relationships with my family members have all taken there form by what i've been told i should think about that person whether it be positive or negative. Even a lack of a relationship with some family was a choice made for me. When i realized this it made me feel kind of slighted and manipulated. What if someone im close to now didnt deserve it or what if someone i thought i didnt like really turned out to be someone i needed in my life. Thinking of all this reminds me of how my entire life has never been my own whether i was being conned into believing something or i was told directly who i was meant to be and what i was supposed to say and do. Ive never got to make my own decisions. Now that im older and able to see things more clearly with the help of therapy and new experiences, i feel like its time to be open and allow the opportunity for relationships to happen if they will. While also paying better attention to the effect the ones i already have may have on me. Im finding that the more time i dedicate to myself and the more effort i put forward to healing myself the less i really know about myself and the more i wish i knew about others. The truth im getting older and life is just getting shorter and i really dont want anymore regrets. I already have way too many. The regret tank is definitely full. Ive already started working on trying to fix the ones i still and trying to learn how to cope with the ones ill never get a chance to. I tell ya somedays ..the healing process is harder and hurts more than the abuse itself.

5. Thoughts of the night..

So last night me and the wife had a really good thought provoking conversation. We kind of discussed how long trauma takes to heal from. We know there's really no such things as that ever fully going away but how long it takes an individual to get to a good place in there life where there able to say yeah that happened to me but its not a part of my life anymore its not who i am. It doesn't define me as a a person. I have been married for 8 years now and my wife has known since before we got married about my past and what ive dealt with. However it was something i could tell her and talk to her about but it was something i emotionally dodged like it was my job. I never got help, i never truly acknowledged my pain until last year. I finally got a therapist and i have been slowly making the right moves forward to help myself truly heal from the past. However for my wife i feel bad because to her its been 8 years and i should be further along in the process by now but im not yet. But that's okay and this is when its so crucial to have that support system in your life. Whether its one person or a village because being able to lean on someone and say im not there yet and to feel safe and supported no matter how long it takes is detrimental to healing. My wife is the biggest reason why i want to be there for others so badly because i know others aren't as blessed as i am. I remember what it was like going through this alone and how numb i made myself just to survive. That is no way to live. That's not what life is supposed to be. I'm not where i wanna be by any means i got a lifetime to go but being able to acknowledge that and know i have that time makes the world of difference.

6. Dreams and aspirations are a funny thing in a state like this...

This was such a foreign concept years ago. There comes a time while your still stuck in your bad situation that your mentally and emotionally stunt yourself intentionally. You numb all of your feeling and all your idea and notions of what you "future" will be because the idea of a different life is too painful. So for me i never thought id make it out of my situation alive and i definitely never thought id be in a happy marriage with children. So when i did get married and started to grow after a few years my wife kind of broached the subject with me because to her i never really showed any initiative to move forward in life i had been fully content to stay put. Only when i told her that i was happy to live stagnant the rest of our lives because i had accomplished the only thing i ever dreamed of just by being there, did i realize that i had even done that to myself. The idea of finding a career or owning our own home or what some may call having the "american dream" never occurred to me. Now that im in a better place physically and in a much healthier mindset im starting to think of what those things may look like for me and my family. Quick fact, I always loved cooking it was the only passion (except my love of animals of course) that i ever truly had in my life when the opportunity came knocking for me to make a dream a reality with culinary school my abuser squashed it to pieces. Just to ensure i never got away. Fast forward to these days my wife had been bothering me about what i would want to do with my life. She saw how miserable i was was just working menial jobs to get by and wanted me to find my passion again. She suggested i go to culinary school. At first i brushed off the idea entirely because i still didnt believe i was good enough for that effort and i didnt want to do anything to jeopardize our family's income. The idea to me was just selfish but after her nagging me and then my kids joining in on the effort i decided to at least look into it. As fate would have it i finished my temp job my other job didnt need me for a while and other puzzle pieces magically fit together and i found an online culinary program so i could stay home with my kids during this pandemic and still work to have my dream. Sometimes life is crazy and unpredictable but if ive learned anything from going through all this is that your life doesnt end because the abuse does. It feels like that because your kind of left hollow and in limbo, but in reality its the start of your real life. Im slowly coming into myself and realizing my own worth and if i want to be a chef i damn well will be.