Rude Awakening

I awoke with pain in my arm. Silence contrasted against distant chatter and beeping. Was I in a robot prison? As ludicrous as that seems, it was my first thought. I pulled my mind closer; it felt like a kite pulling against thin string. My mind continued to float into the sky driven by a will of its own.

When I opened my eyes I saw strange metal tracks forming a square horseshoe above my head. I was surprised I could see them at all. The dim lighting blanketed the room like snow. Somewhere I knew what they were but I couldn’t help being reminded of my sister’s baby shower and how she’d insisted on having that $500 Gucci mobile. I looked up wishing they made mobiles for adults. Instead of rocket ships and stars maybe you could put a few rolled joints and glasses of Riesling up there.

I tried to lift my arms. I needed to squish my face in that necessary yet oddly comforting way you do when you first wake up. Especially when you wake up in a place you didn’t expect to be. Although, I didn’t expect to be in any place at all actually. You see I couldn’t remember when I’d fallen asleep or if I’d fallen asleep. Had I lost consciousness? Was I mugged? It was Chicago after all; it wasn’t a huge jump in logic. Was it Chicago? Suddenly, I realized I didn’t actually know where I was at all anymore. It was at that moment when my arm pulled against cold metal and I also realized I was handcuffed to the bed.

“These are some kinky doctors…” I tried to laugh off my fear as I always did. But this time, even I wasn’t laughing. This time, no one was laughing.

Before I had adequate time to continue my freak out, time I desperately needed to ponder my existential quandary, two men opened the bamboo-colored over-sized hospital door to my left. The first man was a doctor. Clearly in a rush, balding with just a few grey wisps left, an ID badge, and the out-of-place yet oh-so-original combination of a tie with running shoes. Definitely a doctor. The man next to him was anything from secret agent to lawyer, maybe even a well-dressed valet. I did end up wishing he was a valet in the end, but that’s beside the point.

The men exchanged silent furtive glances; wordlessly arguing who would take the lead. After a rather severe eyebrow twitch on the part of the doctor, the valet looked my way and opened his thin mouth.

“Do you remember how you got here Ms. Thompson?” His voice was light, wispy but yet gratingly annoying. He was the kind of guy who would give you a ticket for letting your grass grow past the neighborhood board-approved “1 inch” in length. He was a hound of bureaucracy and I already hated him.

I touched my hands to my head as if painfully ruminating over his question. Both of them tensed and exchanged a worried glance. I remember thinking they should have seemed relieved but at that moment I was too preoccupied with my puckish spirit.

“It was aliens…wasn’t it? I know I went to church on Sunday I swear, but right after it let out. I-I-I swear I was walking home on the gravel road and that’s when they got me. Now at first, I thought it was the rapt-”

“ENOUGH” The doctor exploded his face red with embarrassment. He turned angrily on the valet and did that odd anger-whisper thing people do when they want to be angry but also don’t want the other person in the room to listen. I tried to feign polite ignorance and averted my gaze.

“Hugh I am putting everything on the line by doing this, you better not be messing around. Does she have it or not? This better not be another run-of-the-mill crazy you found on the street for another con.”

“Emmett, that’s enough. Let me handle this.” The man in black strode closer to the bed. So close I began to actually sweat from fear of what he might do to me. He grasped the arm of the hospital bed. He was wearing black leather gloves. Creep gloves.

He leaned down and got within inches of my face. I tried to lean away from his foul, odorous breath, but the opposing arm of the hospital bed left me trapped.

“You’re going to tell me where it is and if I were you I would cut to the chase. The police are waiting outside that door. If you let me in on your little secret, then I might leave your crimes as…our little secret.” He smiled revealing crooked yellow teeth. No wonder his lips were so thin and tight, he was clearly used to containing the netherworld monster that lived in his rotting mouth of lies.

Why do I hate him so much? I thought to myself.

It wasn’t abnormal for me to feel a general distaste for humanity; but he was different and this was more than your typical entry-level hate, this was loathing left stewing in a crock-pot of revenge.

A sharp pain shot through my head and left a deafening ringing in my ears. I gripped my hands to my ears but with little relief. The smile faded from his ugly mug and only his tight-lipped frown was left.

The pain was so strong I could barely hear him walk back to the doctor and whisper “I don’t think she remembers. This might be a dead-end.”

“It better not be another dead end Hugh or I swear I will rain heaven and hell down on you – you hear me?”

“I get it. Don’t worry. I just need a minute to---”

“Doctor Jenkins to ICU room 3. Doctor Jenkins I-C-U room 3.”

The PA sounded like an AC/DC concert in my head sending waves of agony through my thoughts. I couldn’t hear a thing anymore. I watched as the doctor angrily wagged his finger at the valet before storming out of the room. The valet glanced my way face devoid of any trace of sympathy. He snarled in disgust before digging out his cell phone, turning on his heels, and storming out of the room. He made sure to slam the door on his way out causing a fresh wave of agony.

I rolled to my side and clutched my head. It felt like minutes, maybe hours, that I lay there curled up against my plastic prison. This pain was otherworldly. I had been through a lot of tough situations. Wait, had I? My thoughts were confused. At moments I got glimpses of a personality before my world was once again thrown into doubt. Who was I? How did I get here and what did they want from me so badly? Think. Think. Last name Thompson, first name….nothing.

At long last, it was like lightning ignited the neuro-circuits in my brain back to their typical configurations. Was I in a robot prison after all? At that moment my brain didn’t feel organic. It felt like a machine. I could almost feel the gears slowly beginning to churn. Rusted, painful, in need of some WD-40. After a few minutes of machine-like grinding, my brain was finally working. My memories began to trickle in through my cerebellum highway.

There I was, watching my memories like a bad hospital soap opera. Flashes of sneaking around dark alleyways, armed pursuits, car crashes, escapes, riddles, not-so-friendly competition, and of course, grit and blood. I remembered what it was they wanted. I remembered everything.

I reached for my hair and found a bobby pin hidden among the rat’s nest. It only took me 30 seconds to be free from my metal cuffs. There wasn’t an IV or anything else tying me down. I leapt off the bed and quickly found my clothes hidden in one of the drawers. I pulled them on while formulating a plan in my head.

My shirt was crunchy. Why was it crunchy? I looked down and saw that my clothes were covered in blood. Was all this mine? I didn’t have time to sort out that mystery. I knew if I wanted to stay undetected I had to do something about these clothes.

I hopped onto a table in the corner and peered out the small slit windows beneath the ceiling. I could see everyone’s rooms and it didn’t take long to find a woman my size that wasn’t in immediate need of her clothes. Jumping down from the examining table I felt the aches in my body ignite anew. I wanted to cry, or scream, or just drop to the floor but I couldn’t.

Luckily, in my agony, another detail shook loose. He said there were cops, didn’t he? There was no one waiting in that hallway. It was empty, one long tunnel connecting two elevators. So I wasn’t actually in trouble. That could only mean one thing. Monster mouth had set me up. This was all a trick, a ruse, to keep me out of the way and to get me to disclose its location. Maybe they were hoping I’d had it in my clothes. I smiled. They thought I would be that stupid? Even after I knew they were on my case? Laughable.

I opened the door and looked in both directions. No one. In minutes I was hailing a taxi outside the hospital. In about 20 more minutes I arrived at the cemetery.

My feet knew the way and before I knew it, there I was.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t bring flowers this time, sis’. Things have been a little crazy. Just hold on a little longer though.” I knelt down to the ground and touched the newly budding grass shoots. I lowered my voice to a whisper.

“I found it this time. I actually found it. They tried to beat me with every trick in the book. Just one more hour my sweet dove and it’s all over.” I held my hands together in prayer before reaching around the headstone and digging in the fresh dirt.

A sigh of relief engulfed me as I felt that familiar leather book. I pulled it out from the ground and blew the dirt away.

The little black book. I opened it to the last page and smiled. My answer was messily scrawled there in plain black ink.

In 56 minutes I stood at the final location of the puzzle. It was in the absolute middle of nowhere. There was a large willow tree, weeping its tears upon the muddy ground.

“So you’re the winner this year.” A well-dressed man with a briefcase emerged from the draping branches.

“I guess so.” I shrugged. Not knowing what else to say in this penultimate moment. I tossed him the golden bird I’d dug up near the tree. In return, he tossed me the briefcase. I couldn’t help myself. I opened it just a crack. Sure enough, rows and rows of hundred dollar bills. I believed it could easily be a few million. No one ever counts it in the movies so I figured neither should I. When I looked up he was already beginning to walk away.

“Wait!” The man stopped but didn’t turn around to face me. “What’s in it for you? Why do you do this every year? I know you’re rich, but can you really afford all this for nothing?”

He took what felt like minutes to answer. I was ready to give up and just accept my good fortune when a small voice returned.

“It isn’t for nothing. I lost someone once. Someone very dear to me. She loved games like this. She lived for them. This is the only way I could think of to honor her spirit.”

“You know, I actually know what you mean.”

“See you next year?”

“See you next year.”