my story, my life

Hi...abuse. What can i say its shit! Its changed my world, upside down and inside out. No one can understand what you've been through, how it felt and how it still makes you feel. I hated talking about it when people found out, no one knows what to say and they just look at you with this pitiful look in their eyes. Its not their fault abuse isn't a nice subject and almost hidden from the world. we do everything not to talk about it yet people tell you its okay to talk about it... am i the only one confused by all this. So instead of talking i'm going to write.

Everyone's story is different, no abuse is the same. It can change a person in so many ways.

Lets get into it...My mother tried her absolute best to keep me safe from all the dangers of the world but little did we know that the evil was on the inside.

My childhood is going to sound sad and like no childhood you would want but their are some good memories mix in all the shit. I have many joyous memories with my family and friends, but today i'll be talking about the shit parts. My mother and father divorced when i was very young. I lived with my mother as my father was an army man and is always out of the country. (that's his excuse anyway) we're not close. So yes i lived with my mother. She married again when i was around 7 years old to this guy that everyone loved him but he also have another side, a side of rage and anger.

He is the reason why i PTSD! He is the why i'm so anxious! He is the reason why i hate my self! He is the reason why i cant trust...

I hate that i let him destroy me, i can't even go outside on my own! what life is that...

so yeah i fucking hate that i let him destroy me, if i could go back time then maybe i would stand up for my self sooner but i can't so i have to face the facts and get on with my life as best i can.

Losing you're virginity is apart of a lot of peoples lives and a lot of people share that story to their mates but as soon as i am asked i go red faced and feel as if i shouldn't say because it was rape and no one wants to hear that. but then i feel like i should be able to tell my story without feeling embarrassed and ashamed, i should feel okay with it and stronger for it I've been enough shit in my life to know not to worry about one persons opinion. I was 7 years old and i was raped, and shouldn't feel like i need to hide it and beat my self up about it. I did nothing wrong! He was the one in the wrong not me, i was a child.

I held that secret in till i was 15 years old, but by that time 6 years of abuse had passed. My abuser was dead and my mother was already engaged to another man. I cant get into all the nitty gritty stuff but you get the picture.

But that's my past it may have some dark parts but at least i have excepted it now. I still find it hard to sleep and have horrendous flashbacks but at least i can write about it now instead of hiding it away and letting it consume me from the inside out. One step in the right direction!

I'm off now, speak soon.