My Sobriety Journey

Navigating sobriety by yourself can be scary. Going into an AA meeting by yourself can be scary. Telling a friend and asking them to go with you can be scary. Just in general, getting sober IS scary, and believe me, I feel you.

I have a friend going through this right now and she was telling me how uncomfortable it is to not drink. She wasn't an all day drinker necessarily, but even the amount she did drink, losing the boozing was hard. As I was talking to her about my journey with sobriety, I thought I might as well share it with other people who may need to hear it as well.

Now, I'm bipolar, and addictive tendencies are very common among us when we're in one kind of episode or the other. I struggle the most with my desire to drink when I'm on one side of the spectrum instead of floating in the middle. I can have a drink with dinner and not want to go off the deep end. However, I can't drink when I'm mad and not feel miserable. I consider myself an alcoholic, but not in the sense that most people think when they think of addicts and alcoholics.

I consider my sobriety date November 24th, 2016 when I was intimidated into getting sober. The boyfriend I had at the time, who I'd been dating for a month, got mad at me for losing my phone while at the bar for my pool league games. The next time he decided to talk to me, he screamed at me until I told him I'd stop. You're probably thinking, "Girl, red flags all over the place." I know. Believe me. I know. This guy is a story I'll get into another day. I'm thankful for him because he made me realize how much of a problem with alcohol I had, but overall, I think I would have figured it out without having to go through all the shit with him that I did. But either way, he got me sober and I'm grateful for that. And if you look at a calendar from 2016, November 24th was Thanksgiving that year.

I will admit that that's not the last time I drank any alcohol, but it was the day I decided that ended my almost 2 year long drinking binge. I was still in denial about needing to be 100% sober, but I was afraid to drink at all while in that relationship. Six months later when it ended, I drank again. I got drunk a few time before I started dating my now husband, and a few times after before I decided I wanted to end my life.

May 23rd, 2017 was the day I chose to try to die, and luckily I wasn't successful. Again, a story for another post, but it's still relevant here. Because I wasn't successful in my attempt, I had the chance to look back at the life I was living that lead me to that point. Alcohol was definitely a driving factor. My husband and I drank a little bit here and there until I got pregnant with our daughter. She saved me from falling back down that path again.

Not one drop of alcohol went into my body for 12 months following that pregnancy test. I had a post baby celebratory drink because we wanted to celebrate the fact that she was alive after a rough birth and brief hospital stay for her. I breastfed her for a year, so drinking for me was very limited until the end. But two weeks after her first birthday, I found out that we were pregnant with our son, and another year of sobriety followed. He's now 10 months old, and I can count on one hand how many times I've drank. Only 2 times would I consider myself having gotten drunk, and I'm proud of that.

I'm at a point where I can be around alcohol, because it's in my house for my mom, and not want to drink! I love being able to look at a bottle of Irish liqueur and not care to drink it. I used to put it in my hot cocoa and coffee... I love being able to take 2 bottles of wine on vacation and drinking one glass. I used to drink a pint of whiskey for breakfast...

How do I do it? I remember what my life was like when I drank. I chose alcohol over my son. My work. My friends. Myself. I was self medicating, and I realized that the alcohol I was drinking had was worse side effects than anything a doctor would prescribe me. If we're really honest with ourselves, it is. I would rather get cancer from my mood stabilizer than the whiskey. At least I'd die knowing I tried to do the right thing.

I hate when people bring up all the "bad" things about taking meds for my mental health. Back off, yo. I'm not drinking and that's what matters. I'd rather get a headache 24 hours after missing a dose of my medicine than having a hangover every morning. I'd rather go through the guinea pig phases of finding the right cocktail than lose my kids.

My friends therapist asked her, "What's the worst that could happen if you continue to drink?" The possibilities are endless, if your honest with yourself. Her therapist then asked her, "What's the worst that could happen if you get sober?" Honestly, you're uncomfortable for a bit. You get some therapy. You get medicated and have some side effects. The possibilities are endless as well, but the likelihood that they'll be better possibilities is greater.

Get sober. Not for anyone else, but for yourself. You deserve to live a full and happy life without hangovers, withdrawls, and misery. You feel better in the moment, but it's not worth a life of poor decisions and loneliness. But I promise, life is way easier to navigate the hardships when you're sober.