My life with schizoaffective disorder

I truly believe that we don't talk enough about mental health. As someone who lives with schizoaffective disorder, I talk about it until I'm blue in the face. I've learned that writing about what I am going through not only helps me but has helped others. It helps to remove the stigma surrounding mental illness.

My life is filled with darkness and frustration. The only thing that gets me through it is writing about it. Even though I get weird looks when I talk about my hallucinations and the voices in my head that won't stop shouting, I still have to get it out. There was a time when I kept everything in and I found that I started to get depressed. The conversations in my head were darker and the visual hallucinations started to frighten me.

I realized that when I wrote about what I was going through, it left nothing for the voices to talk about. Suddenly the dark shadow in the corner was less menacing and the footsteps in the hallway didn't happen as frequently. Getting it out made it easier to face the hallucinations head-on and reminded me that it was all in my head. Sometimes I forgot that they are not real and it caused many sleepless nights.

The hallucinations are the hardest part of my illness, but it's not the only symptom. I can handle the delusions, disorganized speech, lack of motivation, manic phases, mood swings, and many other symptoms that come along with my illness. The voices don't bother me that much and I remind myself that some of my thoughts are caused by my disorder.

On my worst days, when it's hard to think and it's not as obvious to me that I am not in control, I tend to take a step back from the world. It's in those moments that I take my laptop into my office and sit alone getting it out. The last thing I want to do is make it harder for others. Once I've written out how I feel and what I'm going through, it normally helps me to get over the hurdle.

I've found that writing is the best way for me to overcome with I'm going through. I've tried talking face-to-face and that didn't work at all. I've received the absolute worst responses when I tried to talk to someone close to me. I've been called crazy and told that if I would just think happy thoughts then everything would be alright. Someone even told me that my only disorder is my thinking that I have a disorder and I should work on my self-esteem. I was shocked by how the ones close to you react when you are opening up about something so personal.

At first, I took offense and was very upset by their responses. It hurt to hear such things when it was hard to open up to them in the first place. Eventually, I had to remind myself that they just don't understand and I have no control over their reactions. The only thing I have control over is my reaction to it all and they owe me nothing. Instead, I turned to writing and share my writing on different sites. I found strength with strangers and it made all the difference.

It's not easy living with schizoaffective disorder, or any mental illness. It takes a lot of you and can take a lot from you. I'd like to think that I'm handling things well and have created my quick repairs to cope with it all, but it's still hard. Functioning in everyday life is an uphill battle at times, but we do what we have to do. I know that the only thing I can do is remember that every day I am fighting a battle that will take one step at a time to win.