My Husband Interviewed Me Yesterday

I was nervously sitting with a cup of Coffee browsing through my new music by Robbie Williams

I recently bought the new XXV Album

Every song on this album holds a memory for me, and there are a number of songs on the album that evoke tears, but that is part of my husband's story so I won't discuss that today.

I was scared to put the CD into my player because I was afraid that I might scratch it. This is an album I don't want to ruin because so many songs hold many memories from the past for me.

Yesterday, I finally managed to breathe and play the album, but I was extra careful to take the CD's out, and to put them away so they didn't get ruined.

A number of songs brought back memories from a time when I was really ill with trauma, and I burst into tears as I reflected on a time when:

• I was continuously escaping violence, which my children witnessed and we lost home after home while I got the blame, and was ignored by professionals.
• Constantly Getting hurt in every relationship I had
• Completely abandoned by everyone I knew

• Lost my children to the system because of severe mental illnesses

• Living on the streets, where I experienced more painful trauma and nearly died.
• Admitted to several psychiatric hospitals, some of which I was also abused in
• Had a long relapse of mental health illness which led to bullying and stigma for being a parent with mental health illness, in which I lost my children to the system again.
• Lost my identity with myself, and I didn't know what love was.
• I was sexually assaulted, raped, broken into, and violently hurt in ways I didn't deserve. I was treated like a pile of shit just for being vulnerable, having learning needs, and for being a very sensitive person.

There were many things people didn't understand about me, and my feelings and thoughts were invalidated.

I was told it was my fault the abuse was happening to me, and accused of many things I didn't do.

Robbie's music followed me on that journey and helped me to regain a sense of self, and recognize love.

There was a time in the hospital when I had become so traumatized by an event that I nearly overdosed, and nobody noticed.

It was Robbie's song Feel that saved my life. We could hear the radio playing when we entered the women's toilets where I locked myself in and attempted to overdose. Robbie's song came on the radio, and it enabled me to fight back by helping me to recognize what I really wanted.

There is a much deeper reason as to how Robbie Williams became a big part of my musical journey. His music continues to help me in my present. We are hoping to explore this in my husband's book, but before we can do that we will need to try and contact Robbie's team, to get permission to mention his songs and follow the correct procedure.

My husband interviewed me about aspects of my past the other day, and I found it really difficult to not have a breakdown as I remembered the pain, terror, trauma, and loneliness I went through in the '90s through to around 2014 when I slowly started to recover.

Recovery is hard. I don't think anybody recovers from trauma fully. We still have the memories, but we learn how to live with them.

The book explores the traumas before I met my husband and afterward. We will discuss how and where we met, how we have managed to find strength in our marriage, and how we managed to change our lives while holding on even after the trauma bled into our marriage.

The book isn't going to sugarcoat anything. The story will be a full-blown true representation from the start, to now, and our hopes for the future.

I will also talk about how I have been teased and tormented for having to deal with dyscalculia, and for having cognitive thought problems.

These are ongoing issues, and I still get bullied for them today because people misunderstand me, or decide that I am unlikable for it.

Going through the process in order to help my husband write this book can be painfully heartwrenching at times. There are things from my past that still haunt me. However, we will be discussing positives such as my upcoming books, my already published short stories, and what our future goals are.

The book will give me some closure on my past, and exploring the past to the present will enable me to reflect on how much I have overcome, my strengths and weaknesses, and where I am now.

It gives me a chance to see change, and finally, see my future.

For it is the present and my future that I value the most.