My Addiction Is Just Fixation

This story is true, based on life and facts. It gives an insight into life with a gambling addiction.

2015- Things seemed okay. Even though I suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD and trichotillomania, everything seemed fine. There were no signs I was becoming addicted or losing control. Not long ago, I had moved into a new house. I had five kids. In 2015, one was 9 years old, the twins were four; the second youngest, three and the youngest, one. I had lived alone since I was about eighteen. I had, for years lived away from my family, hardly ever seeing anyone. This was back in 2006-2010. In 2011, I moved to a new house which was closer to some of my relatives. Even though I didn’t see them much, I was still close by. I stayed close by for the next few years.

I felt isolated having five kids. At one point, I had three-year-old twins, a two-year-old and a new-born. So, going out was hard. I struggled from some time to get basic stuff. I did ask for help, but I was often told by people that they were too busy. I got used to being just me, to me being alone and having to manage everything. When it snowed, I had to figure out how to go out with a newborn and my young kids. I felt fine; for years everything was fine. I was isolated but I had a schedule and had things sorted out, so I had time to myself, time to enjoy myself and do something I liked while at home. Every now and then I would play bingo -like once every few months-.

That was my life. I spent a good ninety percent of 2006 onwards alone. I would maybe get a call once every few months by someone in the family to see how I was doing, but typically, I had no connection to people for years. It became my comfort. Sometimes, as mentioned, I would go out and play bingo, but that was it. For weeks and, sometimes even months, I would hardly see or speak to people. My life was my kids and me.

People often say they are alone in life, that they don’t see other people, and that their lives are online. Mine very much was talking with people online, which I had no connection with, more than with anyone I knew in the real world. Mums became my online friends as well as my comfort and my way through everything. While I felt lonely, I didn’t feel too bad. I didn’t feel too depressed and stuff—anxiety, depression, all that was nothing new to me. I had suffered for years, and it never seemed to be bad; it never reached a point where I didn’t want to get up in the morning. In 2017, everything changed; on January the 20th, 2017, everything changed.

It was a new year, and I had no idea of just how bad things were going to get. You never think it will be you, but that is a foolish move. I thought I was doing fine; I thought my mind was coping with life and that I was living a wonderful life. I was foolish and under a darkness that had me submerged so far down I couldn’t see the light anymore. There was no light, day or night; there was no light. My kids no longer brought light into my life but, there was one thing that did, although I now know that it didn’t really bring light to my life; my addiction didn’t bring light. It put everything in darkness, but I felt like my addiction was giving me light.

I didn’t believe it, I guess it is one of those things that when looking back, you think: “how did I not realise sooner?” Sure, I knew it deep down, but I was submerged so far down in the quicksand that my mind didn’t want to be pulled out. Reality had no place in my mind. The reality was that if I admitted and accepted it, I would fall and quick. I would drown beneath everything I had kept hidden in that quicksand. Pulling that rope seemed hard, and for some time, I ignored it. I watched as it dangled in the quicksand waiting for me to grab it and climb out the darkness. The devil was there, laughing and clapping at his success in my downfall; at his success in scaring me into hiding from reality and me not wanting to accept that it was all true.

I guess that, when it came to that day, I realised. I realised I was not just pulling myself down the plughole but my kids as well. I realised that, while I may not have had an addiction that caused me to pass out intoxicated, it made me unstable; it made my mind be away from life and unfocused; time just passed by. Before it started, I was different, I was still a mess but not as bad. I guess you could say I was doing great. I had my own business, yet there was always a darkness that was induced by my mental health. A darkness I continued to ignore and to tell myself it wasn’t real. I guess me trying to hide from the darkness and not wanting to accept help for my mental health are what pushed me to the point I was at in 2017.

The point where I felt like hiding in a dark hole, crying and never climbing out again. I had just pulled on that rope and climbed out of the quicksand that had kept me captive for over a year. In doing that, I found myself plagued with everything. Everything I had before using the quicksand to hide was set free, and every single one of my demons was right back at my door, worse than before with a vengeance and with even more enemies disguised as friends.

It is a modern world, and too many people still suffer from this. Advertisements target us far more than anyone else. Why? They know we are susceptible to joining, they know we want some connection to the outside world. They know we’re at home all day with the kids, they know our lives are those four walls, the same four damn walls we only ever see! They see us and know we are the easy target, but it never used to be us! At one point in history, we would never dream of doing it, but now? Now, it seems modern and cool, as well as a way to have fun. Just how much fun, though? I guess I should explain it now as you’re probably wondering what my addiction is. Who are these people the adverts target? And why wouldn’t we have dreamed of even doing it years ago?

You see, on January the 20th, I woke up from that daze. I pulled myself out of the quicksand and quickly plunged into a bucket of cold reality that smacked me straight in the face screaming “You have an addiction”. My addiction? Many say it is just a fixation, that I just got carried away, or that I just need a hobby different from gambling… Yes, I was told that, and by no other than a doctor! So, there it is, my addiction was gambling. How bad can a gambling addiction be? You may say. Let me guess, the fact that I don’t inject myself with drugs or pour harmful chemicals down my throat makes you believe my addiction doesn’t have the same effect? Wrong! It does. Before I tell you about what happened next, I will explain what happened the year before, the year where I lost over £30,000, the year that seemed to tear me apart, make me lose everything but also, in the end, shake me, wake me up and make me see the reality of everything.

I had played bingo, I had bought scratch cards for years, I had even played online for years. I always had control. I never spent more than I could afford. I never thought of gambling as something that would lead to an addiction. I had just seen it like everyone else: fun and a way to pass the time. Looking back, I guess there were signs. I guess now I know I have a gambling addiction. There were signs that I was one of those who may fall into that trap for years. There were signs, but it still stayed as nothing more than fun for years. I guess playing bingo was a sign. I played it and had fun, but I didn’t have full control. I look back now and realise I would keep playing the mini side-line games; there I had a need to do it, a feeling of urgency. It wasn’t so bad though, as I wouldn’t go back every night and day to play. I could go weeks without gambling.

2016 was a year in which I guess I felt worthless, I felt like I was useless and no good. I felt like I could do nothing right. I was in a place where, looking back now, I felt weak and thought I was better off dead in some ways. Even though I had never considered suicide, I felt like I would have been better off dead. I remember thinking that I hated my life. I loved my kids, I loved being a mum, but I hated my life. I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t breathe, and I guess all the words that were meant as jokes were hurtful too.

Everything got to me. Someone called me “a pig” and it sunk in to the point it clung to my soul. In 2016, I felt useless and worthless. I had tried everything, and nothing seemed to be good enough for anyone in my life. Every attempt I made to build relationships or to see people were fake and failed. I felt isolated and alone, even if there was someone there. The truth was though that in 2016 I was alone. I don’t think any family actually visited me that year. Honestly, I can hardly remember a time when I had a visit from my relatives or friends like most families do. So, I found myself alone a lot.

In the beginning, gambling wasn’t too bad, I would put £20 on a slot site and gamble it. Maybe two days later I would do it again. I would win and take the money out and not put it back in and just stick to the £20. Soon though, that £20 had no effect so, I would put another £20 in immediately after losing the first £20. It slowly progressed and gradually got to the point where I would be putting £20 in, each time over and over until my bank was empty.

I found myself winning big amounts, sometimes up to £4000 and often, it never left the site as I would gamble it all away. When I did withdraw it, I found myself just putting it all back in over the next few days. I am aware that a part of me knew I had to stop; a part of me was screaming “stop”. I knew I had an addiction; I remember setting limits. I would set it to around £20 a day, but then I hated it. The next day, I couldn’t cope so I would remove the limit so that I could continue putting as much in as I wanted. I was lying to myself. I was telling myself in some ways that I wasn’t addicted to it.

I told myself I was in control. Addictions meant you have lost all control and you gamble everything. I was still buying food for the kids, so I let myself believe the illusion. I let myself believe that I wasn’t addicted even though deep down I knew I was. I had lost all control, and having no control made me worse. That year, nothing was stable, everything was a mess, and I realise, looking back now, that I wasn’t myself. Looking back now, I realise that words had no effect on me, and gambling had become my comfort. In 2016, I looked physically ill -there is a picture at the end of the story to show you-. Gambling may not be a drug or alcohol, but it affects your mind so much that it reflects on your body. I actually looked like someone addicted to something people would see as a substance.

I was someone who vowed for my kids to never see addiction. I never drank alcohol, and I had never done drugs, smoked or anything. I had a mindset which was to protect my kids and to ensure their whole childhood was fun, safe and something worth remembering. I had not even considered gambling as an addiction. I didn’t feel comfortable around alcohol, and I never drank. I only began drinking in the last year or two, and even then, I would stop when I get to the second or third glass. I can’t drink and feel comfortable, I can’t drink, relax and enjoy myself. I can’t mentally let myself drink even an amount to get me tipsy. So, I guess because I was in a way, scared of alcohol and drugs -due to what I’ve seen in my past-, I became addicted to gambling. Subconsciously, I resorted to a gambling addiction even though I hadn’t even realised it was happening because I didn’t think of gambling as an addiction at that point. While I was “living” in 2016, nothing registered in my mind; no events, just as if I was simply a ghost in my own life. I can’t remember what my mental health was like, I can’t remember much about that year.

When it came to gambling, I found that I stuck to the same games; I had my favourites. I would play on other slots, but it was those favourites that I found myself betting the most on, the ones I found myself pushing more and more money into.

Gambling seems to be that addiction that is often seen as nothing. People see it as something that can be easily overcome. Many don’t see it as an addiction at all but as something in which someone can get carried away. Some people think only drugs and alcohol can be addictions as they are things you put into your body in various ways. People think that drug and alcohol are the only addictions that can cause you physical harm.

While gambling doesn’t directly inflict harm on us -it doesn’t damage our liver, kidney, etc.-, it does still have a huge effect on us. If you take away the fact that substances affect the body directly, they still affect it in other ways. All addictions can lead people to bad habits, such as not eating right or not eating at all, as well as overeating, not being able to sleep or having hyperactivity, which drains your energy and makes you crash. Not eating well and not taking care of yourself has a physical effect on you as well.

There are differences between all addictions, and no one is worse than the other. Alcoholics are told to avoid alcohol, by avoiding pubs, parties, etc. Those with drug addictions are told to avoid the people or friends who often give them the drugs. In some ways, avoiding alcohol and drugs is easier in the sense you know where to find them.

Gambling isn’t. While we must avoid betting shops, we must avoid smaller things, such as flipping a coin; isn’t it crazy? We must try to avoid anything that triggers that win-lose emotion. We must try and avoid as much as we can of what makes us feel like we’re winning or losing. How can you avoid the feeling of winning or losing in life? When I started my business years ago, it felt amazing! The buzz from it, from succeeding and in a way, from winning, were huge. Those are the things that will trigger our mind to remember gambling, to remember how it felt.

We need to avoid taking risks -another crazy thing- but, life is full of risks! Every choice I make is a risk. Starting my business was a risk, but I understood. Now, even four years later, I understand it entirely. For example, I put a book on pre-order and I soon realised it was a risk as there was a chance I wouldn’t get written it in time. That triggered all the memories and feelings of gambling; the heightened emotions of gambling, everything. It seemed unreal that everyday life; the feelings of winning, losing or taking risks would push me back into that place.

That feeling was there when I got into my university course. Every time I pass an assignment; that feeling is there, and a lot of the time, it triggers the emotions and the memories of gambling. Sometimes they passed quickly, but other times they stuck around.

So, for those who think gambling isn’t really an addiction and should be easily overcome as it doesn’t change anything in the body, does it really sound like gambling is something in which you could easily say: “I stop it, and it all ends?” It is amazing how some people believe that alcohol and drugs are real addictions, but nothing else is. Every addiction is real: drinking, drugs, shopping, gambling or even eating and gaming. It is even crazier that people think all addictions are fake, and that people just got carried away. In their eyes, there is no medical backing to prove that any addiction is real and not just a reflection of people not having control.

Something that all addictions have in common is that many people suffering from them had had some sort of mental health issue before, after, or even during the addiction. I read somewhere that one in five people addicted to gambling have had thoughts of taking their own lives, and some of them actually attempted it. How can the addiction not be real if it is pushing people to those extremes? So, how does having a gambling addiction affect you? I guess you will find that out in my story. There will be a few short stories from other women who will give you another perspective at the end of it. I will also mention how this affected a man and his wife when she was addicted to gambling. Everyone is different, so everyone’s outcome and reaction will be different as well.

In my case, I was no longer here. I was no longer walking around. My body was here, but my soul wasn’t. My body was no fool, neither was my mind. As soon as I got paid, my body knew. Those days I was due to be paid, my body woke at around one in the morning and would not let me go back to sleep until I had cleared my bank. I would spend all day gambling online, all day spinning the same damn slots hoping for a win. I did win though, hell I won a lot but guess what? I lost all the money I won and as a result, all my money in the process. I can’t tell you how much I lost but I can tell you I put in over £30,000 online, over £10,000 in scratch cards and a hell of a lot in bingo as well.

It wasn’t all about money though. I was mentally unstable, I wouldn’t eat for days, sometimes up to a week! Then, some weeks I would just eat and eat, and eat. I couldn’t sleep, I looked like a mess, and by a “mess” I mean what those who saw a picture of me said at the time it was assumed I had a drug addiction! That is how bad I looked so, while I didn’t ingest anything, my addiction destroyed my body by stripping me of my sanity. I needed to gamble in order to control my mental health; I needed to gamble when I was scared, hurt, upset, stressed or even happy! Every emotion that plunged through me made me gamble. If I didn’t, I would slowly go insane, and my trichotillomania would be triggered or at least get worse.

So, I guess we will go back to January the 20th, 2017, to the night when everything became a reality and I no longer kept myself hidden under the quicksand. That was the night that changed everything and had me facing even more battles. I was shaking, crying and a mess realising I just fucked up my life. I just fucked up my kid's lives and dragged them down into that sinkhole with me. I was crying, looking around me thinking what now? The reality was a damn hard bitch who wanted revenge. I was ready to just gamble again, but I couldn’t. I had lost all my money, all the rent money, everything! I had no money to use to hide. So, I cried, I cried so much I considered suicide, just like so many others. Why? Because the shame was drowning me because trying to open my mouth and tell someone I had an addiction was a battle on its own. I was a mess and ashamed, I was ashamed of being a mum, of the fact I had just failed my kids. I was ashamed that I had no self-control, that I didn’t climb out of that quicksand sooner. I was ashamed to face the world with my new found title that would never leave, and I could never scrub off.

Shame is something that drags you back to your addiction time and time again. Not accepting you’re addicted stops you from feeling that shame. When you do feel it, you let your addiction win as it hides it. I couldn’t, and right now, part of me is glad I fell at the devil's feet and became addicted. Things changed after, and it was a battle and still is, but falling to the addiction made me see things more clearly.

That night I realised I could not hide it anymore. Soon the landlord would want his money, and I would have none to give. I had always been smart, I had always ensured I had the money to pay rent, buy food and those things. That day I didn’t. That day I sat gambling, I got to £4,700 that I had won from £40, and within an hour the balance on my gambling account was zero! So, I chased the loss repeatedly, telling myself I would get back what I had put in and get back up to that big win and get the win. Only I didn’t, and I found myself looking at a bank balance that had just enough for a bus journey and a gambling account saying zero once again.

It was at that moment I realised I couldn’t run from it anymore. My mind kept screaming ‘what if?’ ‘what about’. I didn’t want to listen, but my mind was speaking the truth. What if next week I gamble all my money before buying food for the kids? What if I gamble all the money and can’t pay for the gas and electricity bills for them? That reality scared me. I had always felt in control. Of course, I wasn’t, it was an illusion, but I felt in control because I bought the groceries and topped up the gas and electric. I was far from having control, and I knew the week after I would likely spend everything before buying essentials. I knew if I did not stop then, things would worsen, and I would fail my kids even more.

So, I reached out to someone I knew on Facebook; I remember crying to her a lot and telling her what had happened. I openly admitted I had a gambling addiction and had just spent all the rent money. I was crying, and I remember not wanting to tell anyone else. I didn’t want to tell my family, I just wanted to die and quick. I didn’t want to tell anyone else or open -up and have that humiliation put upon me. The thought of what will they say drowned me beneath everything.

All that was nothing, though. I thought that night was bad, the night when I accepted it but, I was wrong! The woman from Facebook told me to call my sister, she said how bad can it be? I already hated myself far more than anyone else could. I had already seen myself as a huge failure and felt humiliated. I was the one person who would be the most disappointed in myself.

How bad could it really be telling my family? Their hate for me and disappointment would be nothing compared to how I felt towards myself, so I did it. I called one of my sisters and cried down the phone to her. Part of me was scared, because everything that was to come was unknown, and at that moment, I was so wrapped up in the thought of “I had an addiction” that I didn’t realise what was happening in my mind. That was to come later.

So, after crying over the phone to my sister and to that Facebook friend, I joined something which made me see there is more than just me out there. I joined a website for gamblers. In that chat room, I told them what had happened. I didn’t know at that moment, but those people in that chat room would be far more helpful than any doctor ever could be!

They didn’t judge me, laugh, or think I just got carried away; they gave me answers that not even the doctor would, despite it being so true and evident at the time. It was from a man who had not gambled for over ten years that I learnt that self-medicating does not restrict you to drink or drugs. Anything, anything at all you use to hide from your mental health is self-medicating. Some are good: doing exercise or meditating are good forms of self-medicating. Addictions, and gambling, all those are bad forms of self-medicating, and that was my way to cope with my mental health which had been deteriorating over the years. It was from those people that I learnt about gambling addiction. It was them who told me things I can’t do anymore!

I remember laughing when thinking: “You can’t bet in any way, and that includes rock paper scissors, flipping a coin or anything that produces a win-lose feeling. They have to be avoided” I laughed a lot. How much can the flip of a coin destroy me and make me gamble? I was then explained that the feeling I get when gambling or winning is what will drag me back there. I was explained that the act of flipping a coin may not get me money, but a lay-in or breakfast in bed. If I win, it will trigger everything I felt when gambling and push me back. It’s not just winning though; even if I just take part in it and face the risk involved will push me back there. That night I realised and stopped gambling, I thought that would be it. I just stop gambling, and it is done. However, it wasn’t and will never be over. I will always be that person who can’t do that stuff.

Telling jokes, such as “I bet you”…Yeah, I can’t even do that! Seems crazy and stupid, right? Yet, that is all it will take to remind me how it felt to gamble and push me back there. Often, drug and alcohol addictions can’t be hidden. Often, gambling addictions can’t be. For those of us who find ourselves alone most of the time though, it is. I guess the fact that I hardly ever saw anyone meant I could hide. If I were gambling and the kids' dad was there, I would pretend I was working, quickly flip between screens, so it looked like I was working online although, in reality, I was gambling. I couldn’t even go to the store without gambling. I would buy more than £20 in scratch cards every time I went to the shop. I would be gambling on my phone when walking the kids to school or walking them home. Gambling wasn’t restricted to while I was at home; I would do it on the bus wherever I was going. I would find myself clicking the button quicker when I was in a rush and had to get that big win which often didn’t come.

Gambling isn’t just casinos and betting shops like people think. There is a whole world of online gambling that appeals to all but is often targeted to one audience, one group of people, those that I mentioned above. At one point, only men gambled, only men were allowed in bookies, and over the years that has changed. It became acceptable for women to gamble; actually, that is a lie. It became a new trend and a way to boost business.

I challenge you. Watch TV, watch the advertisements for online slots sites; what do you notice? Nearly all have women in them playing and winning. Very few feature men these days. Perhaps, horse racing, yes, but slots? Online bingo? They all feature women, some even advertising them as a great way to socialise! TV shows that are mostly watched by women are often sponsored by gambling sites.

I am writing this book during the COVID-19 lockdown. Can you imagine the impact online gambling is having right now on people? How many new women will have fallen into that trap of becoming addicted? Many mums are stuck at home with their kids, with no way to see family members, and it feels like the advertisements for online gambling have grown drastically. Almost as if the companies knew that due to COVID-19 and lockdown, mums are stressed as they have their kids at home; they are alone, and with no adults around. Easy target, right? Quick and easy money. Take a look at the adverts. They had banned cigarette adverts, but still show alcohol and gambling. Still, though, watch the adverts. Just how many alcohol adverts do you see compared to gambling? A lot less, right? Because it was seen as a bad influence on kids. Cigarette TV ads and other types of advertising were banned to protect kids from it and help those who were trying to stop smoking. Why not do the same with alcohol and gambling as well? Surely that would make more sense. If they saw adverts for cigarettes as something that made kids consider smoking and want to do it, then why not ban drinking and gambling adverts? Why not stop all three all together?

It seems like gambling is everywhere these days, advertisements are everywhere. Let’s not forget it is not just women who fall victim to it, men do as well! Even teens and kids can become addicted to gambling from a young age, and the advertisements won’t help.

Lockdown has been a time that has pushed me mentally into the thought of gambling. There has been no escape. I can’t leave the house; I am home all the time with the kids. I am juggling full-time university, a writing job, five kids and home-schooling all at the same time. I have had more gambling thoughts during lockdown than I have the entire four years I have not gambled for!

Before gambling, I remember one thought was always there. If I felt off or ill; if I had pain anywhere on my body, I found myself continually thinking, “what would happen?”. It could go over a week before someone would call me, what would happen if I had died? At that time, my eldest was six years old. What would happen if I died? I didn’t mean after I died, such as where the kids would live. I meant, how long would my kids be in the house with me before someone realised, I was dead? Would my eldest kid be able to think something is wrong and look for help?

That fear has followed me forever. If I am ever alone with the kids, that fear is there. What happens if I die? How long will it take for someone to realise? Will my kids suffer for ages? I guess having kids meant I didn’t have time to let my mental health problems breakthrough. They affected me, sure, but not to the level where I would notice them daily. Well, at around February 2016 they became a problem.

The limits they put on gambling websites are controlled by us, the addicts! A day limit can be changed or removed when the 24 hours was up. A weekly limit? The same thing. When it comes to your weekly allowance resetting, you can reset your limit to whatever you want or remove it. How does that help problem gamblers? It doesn’t, we know we can change it tomorrow or next week, so we relax a little, we find another site to play on with that same game we’re addicted to!

That is what I did. I felt myself losing control, saw my money going, panicked, and would set a limit, only to remove it the next day so, it didn’t serve any purpose. With today’s technology, you would think there would be something else, such as a system that flags someone who shows signs of having a problem. I mean, come on. Someone sits putting £20 into the website every time they run out until they have put over £300 in on one day within a few hours surely that should be a sign. If not, what is it? I mean, pubs do it, right? They see someone who drinks over the limit and throw them out.

It’s called being responsible for their customers. Yet, online betting sites are not? There are plenty of ways they can see people with gambling problems and at least, reach out to them, but they never will because they will lose money. I talked to someone about this same thing. I was saying that they surely, could track what people are spending, but how? If someone shows signs of possibly having a gambling addiction, they could send out an email with advice and support; lock their account for a set period of time. The response I got was real and apparent.

“Why would they? They are there to take your money, they smack that big play responsible logo on their sites and adverts, and that is their job done. In their eyes, you lose your money, and they are happy as they gain it. They block you and they lose your money; they offer you one-to-one advice, and they lose your money. While it may not seem like a lot, imagine if every person with a gamble addiction was contacted, just how quick would their earnings drop?”

He was right. That was proven when I spoke to one site about getting a self-exclusion ban because I had a gambling addiction. There were choices! Did I want a 6-week, 3-month, 6-month, 3-year self-exclusion or something crazy like that?! Once again, how does that help anyone with a gambling addiction? Of course, I said six weeks because my mind was screaming at me: “you can survive for six weeks then gamble and be fine”. The reality, though, is that if they get told someone has a gambling addiction, they should restrict them for the full time.

Even I knew that was crap. There are many ways these sites could trace problem gamblers and get them help, but they don’t want to.

We now go back to January the 20th, 2017, as that night wasn’t over yet. I realised being online was not going to help me. I realised I had to cut myself off from being online. If I was on social media, I would be online, and the urge to gamble would have been there. I also thought I needed to do something drastic; something to hold myself accountable for.

I still had that urge and feeling; my mind still thought about when I would next get money and how I could win back the rent money I lost. I know it was crazy, so I made myself accountable. I told myself I had to do something drastic so I couldn’t gamble, so if I did, I had to go through all this again but worse, and on a bigger scale.

So, I opened up Facebook. I hit that awful live button and watched as it flooded with friends, and people I worked with. I explained I wouldn’t be online for some time. I felt like being on Facebook, or on anything that was around the internet would push me to gamble as the temptation to open a new tab and click that gambling site was too much.

I sat on that Facebook live and told everyone I had a gambling addiction. I remember shaking, trying to hold back the tears while breaking mentally and physically as I then realised, shit! I just told the whole damn world, people on my Facebook profile and anyone else watching that I had a gambling addiction. I have now told them that I was taking time out from being online to try sort things out. If I slipped up, they would be there all watching and waiting. If they asked how it was going, there were more people to turn around to and say, I messed up, and I gambled to.

After the live video, -which is still on Facebook and public! - I felt better; I felt like I had done something and used the crap I went through for a good cause. I raised awareness of the addiction and showed people first-hand how it affects you and what it is like in those moments you realise you have a gambling addiction.

The years to follow though, would shock me on how little people realised women could suffer from gambling addictions, although not as much as the doctor's responses. As for those people close to me and how they reacted, at that moment, everyone had been supportive. If they didn’t believe or understand it, they kept it to themselves and showed no signs of not caring.

That was soon to come, though. I remember one man who I spoke to at the beginning; someone I knew. And, I wonder: was his problem really an addiction? You get told that if you have an addiction you can never go back, you can never have just one beer, just one more hit or just one more bet, right? I had heard it over and over from that support website.

No matter what, I can never gamble again. Even if I think I am in control and will stop. The person I spoke to told me about how much they had lost, but then they do things that I was told to avoid. Things like bitcoin, horses, and it made me wonder for ages after: how? I look back at 2016, when I had tried stopping, where I would get to a day or two without gambling and start again. How quickly that just one bet pulled me into a spiral of losing hundreds.

So, it made me think: either he was not really addicted, because no gambling addict can recover to a level where they can bet again; or they are, and they are in an illusion that will soon fall down. They feel in control right now, but how long until it takes over? In 2018, bitcoin was in the news with a warning from doctors that it was bringing in a wave of new gambling addicts linked to it. So, how can someone who had a real problem with gambling suddenly feel they can gamble and not fall again?

I can say that since 2017 everyone I spoke to who were a problem gambler have not gambled again. Those who have fallen again and hard, had to restart their journey. That was the only person I had spoken to who had a gambling addiction and went back to gamble in other ways but didn’t see it as gambling. So much so, they were trying to get me to join bitcoin in the same year I had stopped gambling! I believe I signed up for it but then never did anything because something in my mind told me that I would keep going. While some put a bit in, I knew I would keep putting money in.

That is a question I will never be able to answer, I will never know if they felt like they had an addiction but didn’t, or if they did and they haven’t realised that it can be years of these new things before they fall right back to where they were.

I can tell you now my kids could tell; they could tell something was wrong and that I wasn’t ok. Hell, they could tell before I even realised I had an addiction.

I went to bed that night trying to pretend like everything was fine, and that would soon be my downfall again and again! I had a plan for the next day, I was just hoping things would sort out. I didn’t sleep well, I kept waking up at night. Insomnia was bad, and my mind was set on gambling all night and telling me: why the hell I had stopped myself?

In some ways, I was telling myself off that night for stopping gambling and telling people I was a fool, or so I told myself. Had I just waited until I had money, I could have won back the money I lost. Crazy, right? I know.