Me And My Anxiety

There are a lot of people living in my town who are very kind-hearted and supportive towards people who suffer from mental health conditions.

These people never hesitate to check up on me, whether I know them or not.

While it can be sometimes nice for someone who doesn't know me or knows me from my written work, and I do appreciate it; there are times when I don't want to be approached,

especially if I am in a heightened or panicked state.

I suffer from two different conditions, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

My PTSD triggers include strangers, and my social anxiety often brings on a panic attack, which makes me feel very uncomfortable and panicked when in the company of strangers and crowds.

When strangers approach me at times I am triggered, I will make up any excuse to get away because during those times, I become strongly aware that other people are around me, and that often triggers a fear of being attacked.

I have days when I can tolerate having conversations with strangers, and I have days when I don't tolerate it very well.

You can't see inside my head, and you can't always see the nervousness and fear in my eyes;

you can sense it when I start to stammer.

My mental health is not easily understood by others. They don't understand the nervousness, fear, or even sometimes why I seem to talk differently to everyone else.

They don't understand why one minute I am walking calmly through town, and the next minute I am running without knowing it.

It comes from being a victim of repeated attacks of violence in my past, both in and outside of my home.

These are not problems that just disappear, whether it's three months or twenty years later.

It is a fear that comes from memories that stay long after the events have taken place. These memories can heighten the panic, which in return, heightens the anxiety, leaving a person believing it will happen again, even if it never does.

When a person has been exposed to something horrific, repeatedly for many long years, they live with the memories; it is the memories that make a person feel anxious and panicked in situations that may trigger them.

I often get told to avoid things that might trigger me, though that can cause another problem.

If I constantly avoid going out, I'd be stuck indoors for the rest of my life, whilst on the other hand if a stranger approaches me outside, and it leaves me feeling uncomfortable, panicked, and anxious, that can lead to me having a full-blown panic attack.

These situations often leave the kind-hearted people feeling upset, they often think they have done something to upset me when they haven't.

I want you to know that I enjoy talking to people, and my anxiety and PTSD symptoms are not your fault.

I can't always tell you how I feel, and you can't guess how I am feeling, though I don't dislike talking to other people. However, if you ask me whether or not I am ok, and I smile and walk away, please do not try to force me into opening up or beg me to stay for longer than I can because that makes me feel as though I have to act ok when I am not ok at all.

Many people who know me well, know that on my good days I can be a social butterfly; however, I have days when I just want to sit alone with my thoughts, and I have days when being approached by strangers is too much for me.