Loving A Narcissist

This was an article that I had planned to write a little later, though I had been doing research on it for sometime. I had initially wanted the first few articles on my page to be a little more lighthearted, though helpful. But in light of the recent accusations against Marilyn Manson, and the disgusting comments that I am seeing as a result brought up the reminder that a lot of people do not understand the dynamics of abuse.

This article isn’t about whether or not Marilyn Manson is guilty or not, but on many occasions he has exhibited what many would consider Narcissistic behavior, and his relationships with his accusers (given their statements) are very reflective of abusive relationships with narcissists.

Abuse and escaping abuse isn’t as black and white as people want it to seem to be, often the abused don’t realize that they are being abused, until much later or even years after the relationship is over. Many abusers “love bomb” their partners in the beginning and make them feel special and truly loved, like they genuinely mean something to their abuser, then the mental, emotional, sexual and physical abuse is gradually introduced into the relationship, which leaves the person being abused in two mental states, the am I overreacting because they treated me so well and showed me so much love in the beginning and the whole “maybe if I change just enough and stop upsetting them they will go back to how they were.” Oftentimes, the abuser will show the victim a sliver of that person they used to be, usually after a bout of abusive behavior or after the abuser was caught doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing. (In my work it’s often cheating or drug use) Leading to the victim holding on to hope.

The abused usually end up staying either out of fear, abusers tend to not only make physical threats against the abused but more often than not they use emotional abuse and threats using the victims children and family, or they end up staying because they hold hope that their abuser will go back to being that amazing person who loved bombed them in the beginning. Abusers too will employee monetary tactics to tie a victim to them, they will present gifts, take over the financial situation, allow the abused to quit their job, so that they can have control under the guise of care, and this will lead to a victim with no financial ability to escape and the feeling of being obligated because their abuser is taking care of them.

When I am addressing these kinds of relationships with clients, I try to help them understand that their abuser isn’t really in love with them, that they love the way the victim loves them and is intentionally manipulating them into believing that what the toxic relationship is, is love. Essentially the abuser is using the victims love against them. Victims are usually life long victims and allow these people to continue in their lives because they have an unhealthy idea of what love is, usually based on past trauma that occurred in childhood, and abusers seek this out, they look for meek people who are easy to manipulate, or much younger victims without much life experience. ( example a 40 year old man with a 18 year old woman.)

When you are in these types of abusive relationships with a narcissist it's often hard to realize what is going on, it's not until after the ending of the relationship, sometimes even years down the road, that a victim will truly wake up to how bad the abuse truly was.

If you feel you may be in a relationship with an Narcissistic abuser here are a few major red flags that you need to consider. Please remember that often these relationships start off as perfect, and being too perfect can be a red flag in and of itself, relationships have issues. It's the normal progression of a relationship. I would also like to stress that after much research I feel most abusers are narcissists, they are one in the same. If your partner exhibits even a couple of these traits, please consider stepping back from the relationship and seeking help:

There is an abnormal amount of what they deem as “crazy” or abusive people in their lives. Any ex partner or other relationship that did not come crawling back to them, or no longer suited their needs, or spoke out against them will be labeled as, mentally ill, jealous, obsessed, an alcoholic or drug addict or some other convincing “smear” to make it believable. Remember that they will address you in this same manner to their next target.

They will flatter your deepest insecurities, this is different from genuine loving compliments, and can be hard to discern. Let's say you are self conscious about your looks, they will constantly compliment on how attractive you physically are, striving to be an artist, they will intentionally tell you how amazing your work is. They will basically mirror your deepest fantasies, doing whatever they can, and playing whatever role to win you over.This also is considered a part of love bombing, they make you feel like you are the greatest thing to happen to them, so they can use it against you later.

They will frequently comment on what you are wearing. Positive compliments if they approve, negative comments if they disapprove. What they are trying to do is arrange you. This results in the victim becoming image obsessed, noticing flaws that oftentimes do not exist. This is a means of tearing you down and making you self conscious, that way you are easier to control.

Normal couples fight and resolve issues, Narcissist instill the fear that any fight, no matter how small could be your last, narcissist will make it clear to you that any negative conversations (specifically ones pointing out their behavior, because they are completely fine with pointing out yours) will jeopardize the relationship. This causes victims to often apologize and forgive quickly, out of fear they will lose interest in them and move on. Who wants to lose something that they feel they are working so hard to preserve?

They thrive, and are downright obsessed with humiliating and hurting anyone they feel is more successful than them, or hurting cheerful, kind people. And this includes their victims. They will intentionally try to break up relationships and friendships, and often use this as a means to alienate their victims. Often uprooting any interpersonal relationships, and putting themselves as the main focus of their victims' life. Narcissists hate anyone they perceive as better than them and will often make them their next targets.

GASLIGHTING. Narcissists will deny their own abusive and manipulating behavior, and ignore any evidence presented against them when confronted. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts, and will often turn the tables on you, invalidating your emotions and accusing you of starting fights, being insecure,jealous and overreacting. They will tell their victims they have no right to feel the way they do, and will portray themselves as the victim.

They expect you to read their mind, and they feel any hurt they caused you is your fault and you deserved it. They will always be self victimizing. If they physically assault their victim, it was the victim's fault for doing something that angered them, if they are caught cheating, it's the victim's fault for not meeting their sexual needs. They will not communicate with you as a means to be able to portray their victimhood.”You should have known that!!” You will always be at fault. Their victimhood is a means to manipulate the actual victim.

They are selfish and have a constant need for attention. They will drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable and not fulfilling it will often result in another bout of abusive behavior. Their wants and needs are all that matter.

Your whole entire life is in ruins, you hardly recognize the person you were, your whole entire life revolves around keeping them happy and fear of retaliation for not meeting those expectations. You are riddled with self doubt, you feel exhausted and insane, empty and often suicidal. You’ve torn your whole entire life apart, spent your savings, ended friendships, lost jobs, are completely alienated from everyone you love, and you find yourself questioning the reason behind it all.Love should not leave you feeling defeated. Or like the whole burden of the relationship is on you.

The silent treatment and sex. This is a means of diminishing the connection, and manipulates you into a place where your needs can be shamed and ridiculed. They belittle your feeling through the silent treatment and put you in a place that's easier to control out of fear of losing them. Narcissist will often engage in forms of sexual abuse to put you in a place of vulnerabilty and will shame you for not wanting to indulge their “kinks” They will also withhold physical intimacy as a means to control your emotions.They will show a lack of interest in you physically as a way of creating self doubt through making you feel that they are no longer attracted to you or are losing interest, that way you are more open to catering to their needs.

Narcissistic Abusers can’t love, they lack the emotions and empathy to be able to feel that level of emotion. They love themselves, and look at others as a means to an end, something to be used and disposed of when it no longer suits them. You can’t change these people, there is not a magic lightswitch that will click on and make them become better people. Staying with a Narcissist only hurts one person and that’s you.Once you are no longer useful they will dump you and move on to their next target, usually using you as a means to gain sympathy by presenting to them how terrible they are. My closing advice is that once you are aware and escape the abusive relationship, spend time alone, working on yourself and learning how to love being alone. During this time, learn what caused and why you allow these types of people into your life. Love to learn you, and learn to become who you are and give yourself time to heal and become whole before engaging in another relationship. Even if this requires professional help through therapy. Once you learn to love being alone then you will be much more cautious to who you allow into your life.

Though this article addresses mostly how Narcissist mentally and emotionally abuse their victims, these types of abuse is often a precursor to physical and sexual abuse.

If you find yourself a victim of domestic violence and need help, please reach out to your local DV hotline or call the National Domestic Hotline @ 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit their website @ thehotline.org