How to tell if you found the "One"

New love is so exciting. Those early feelings you experience as you get to know someone can be overwhelming. As things progress you find yourself exiting the “honeymoon phase” and are entering a new stage of your relationship that can be just as exciting and well terrifying. This new phase in the relationship is a time when the personas we have been keeping up start to fade, and we start to really get to know one another. You and your partner are getting comfortable with one another, the need to constantly impress is fading and you both start showing one another the “real authentic you”. This is a time when you start building deeper, more meaningful bonds grounded in genuine love, respect and trust.

Once we begin to enter this phase and its more love and comfort, we start to ask ourselves “is this person really THE ONE?” This is the time when we start to peel away layers, and realize if it's real love or were we wrapped up in lust. You question yourself, “is this the right person for me” or “can I see myself growing old with them as my partner”. It’s a little scary and unnerving at first. But I assure you it is all completely normal, especially if you have suffered heartache and trauma from a previous relationship.

Sometimes we even end up giving up on a person who could have been the right partner for us, because of these fears. We worry that we are going to waste time on someone who ends up not being right for us. Without ever really giving it a chance after that first phase is over. But there are certain key things you can look for to know if this person is your life long match.

You accept them for who they are, and they do you the same.

The right person isn’t going to ask you to change for them, and if they are the right one for you, you’re not looking at ways they could change to be better suited.

If they are right for you, you won’t have to change and you won’t demand change from them either. You’ll accept them for who they are.

Now this doesn’t mean that the two of you will never change or do things the one another doesn’t like. That's a normal part of growth and relationships. But when you are with the right person, you will both naturally inspire one another to learn and grow. This allows you to become more authentic versions of yourselves as time passes. You are happy and comfortable with one another, so you end up not feeling like you have to hide aspects of yourself.

You can envision a life with them. I see people get so focused on the idea that they can’t live a life without someone even when the relationship is toxic, but I rarely hear people say that they can envision a life with them. When you see your partner as truly your partner and teammate, a person by your side that will help you with the ups and downs in your life, someone who offers you support, you can feel confident that you have found your one. This is far different from a “crush” or a “fling”, your right person is someone who not only holds your interest but has staying power too. You can easily imagine what it would be like to grow old together, that’s when you realize you have found someone that it's possible with.

You look forward to spending time and sharing with them. Once you have committed to a serious long-term relationship, whether its marriage or just moving in together, you are going to be spending a lot of time together. There is no longer going to be that space when you and your partner return to your separate homes, but if your partner is right for you, you’ll find this is something you look forward to and willingly invite into your life. You find yourself wanting to share things with them about your day and you’ll want to hear about theirs. You make an effort to spend quality time together, They will become the person you will want to talk to first when something important happens, and you will start to realize that you are more emotionally and physically intimate with one another.

Of course you will still be able to pursue your own interest and still maintain your independence with your partner. That is part of maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. Healthy relationships that last are created by two individuals, not two people who become so enmeshed in the partnership that they lose the sense of who they really are.

You share complimentary or the same morals and values. You and your partner don’t have to see the world the same way or hold the same beliefs and ideas to have a healthy relationship (wouldn’t that be boring if you were exactly the same) but basic values -things and concepts that reflect what matters most to a person- need to be compatible in order to make a relationship work for the long-term. This means being open and honest about belief and boundaries, not only in your day to day life but also in relationships too. Take for example the values of raising a family (this is one that couples often disagree on). If two people disagree on whether or not to have children, he wants them she doesn’t, then they aren’t going to be a good fit for one another, because one of them is going to have to make a major sacrifice. Other core values that should align to maintain a healthy relationship are choices about where to live, how to handle finances, and regarding each other's privacy. Couples should understand that their relationship, and also themselves as individuals, are a work in progress. Who you are at the beginning of the relationship and who you are ten years down the road will be incredibly different. Values are personal, and the values you hold now can change over time. How you and your partner communicate along the way and stay aligned with life changes will be critical for achieving lifelong success. Talk early with your partner and often about your values to make sure you are on the same page, and are compatible with one another, this way you can make sure that both of your needs are being not only heard but honored.

You handle conflict respectfully and constructively. How can you tell a relationship is toxic, when the two people in a partnership can not handle conflict without a harsh fight. Conflict in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble, (all relationships even the most healthy have conflict from time to time), but instead its the way you approach conflict that is an important time as to whether your relationship has the power to stand the test of time. Couples who are in long-term healthy relationships are able to face issues, even major ones, without resorting to put-downs, name calling, insults, accusatory tones and excessive criticism. They have the strength to know then they are in the wrong, and apologize when necessary and find ways to resolve the issue in a healthy way so that they can reconnect and move forward. If you feel safe, like you are being listened to, respected, and that you are loved by your partner, during and after an argument, you’ve most likely found a good match. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean the relationship can be healthy or will have staying power. You need to have not only love, but trust and mutual respect, and this can be found in how well as a team you work to resolve relationship conflict.

If you have found yourself being able to check off all the boxes above then you most likely have found a partner who you can comfortably grow old with. If you found all these aspects in a partner but are still having a hard time moving the relationship forward, you may be coping with some commitment issues, When this occurs its best to speak with an expert in the field of relationships about your insecurities, fears, and whatever uncertainties you feel you may be facing.