Loneliness Through Company

Have you ever found your true Loneliness through company? It's been a while since you've made new friends, gone to new places, mingled, and now is the time. You're at a gathering with some like-minded people who radiate everything you ever wanted from a friend. You're genuinely enjoying these people's company, yet you cannot stop mentioning how long it's been since you've had a genuine connection, how new it is to have fun without second-guessing who you're around, etc. and you ultimately create embarrassment for yourself. This embarrassment is a lonely trigger. The moment when you realize that surrounded by a genuine company you can only think about your loneliness. You see these people in the room laughing, hugging, dancing, having genuine fun and you're wondering “Where have I been?”

Why is it that we feel so stable within ourselves alone? Constantly conditioning ourselves to be okay without. Finding what I believe is my soul tribe and conversing with them made me immensely happy and grateful. Sharing my experiences with like-minded people, receiving feedback and not rejection, it all felt new. But I've experienced this all before, prior friendships I found myself pouring my absolute fucking all into. Where was the reciprocation? Hours of listening but minutes of talking, giving people things you never had to give, freedom of judgment. Where was all of this when its other people's turn? I had a terrible habit of finding myself in others. Finding you within others makes it so much easier to deal with the disappointment, that you possibly don’t resonate with these people anymore. We constantly deny that things hurt us because our ego is too afraid to show that we're affected by friendship! Why does the embarrassment I feel after wasting my time feel the same as the embarrassment I feel getting excited for new friends? We have to ask ourselves! It simply is odd that I felt embarrassed to express to my new friends how I love them and their personalities and even interests deeply resonate with me. That's our issue as beings. We are too prideful and ego-oriented to just admit how much we've waited, prayed, cried, and manifested these people we come across. But oddly we can express how embarrassed, anxious, and how “new “ we are to new people or friends. We've physically shielded our auras to protect us from hurt, manipulation or just the same cycles over again, but this is fear-based, we are simply too scared, worried, anxious to give things a try— give people a try. Who wants to be reserved their whole life? You're missing out on good experiences, lessons, and good people. Our ego is so selfish that it literally keeps us away from these things because they are simply “new” but in reality, they are not new they are old! The more experiences we have the wiser we become. How can someone have the same friend group since they were 15 years old and expect it to be different from their next friend group? They won't because they will assume that everyone's energy is the same. I catch myself constantly judging others; when I don't want to be judged. We are constantly judging others when we tell ourselves they are not worthy of our time or acknowledgment. We've all called ourselves protecting our space and time by not making new connections when in reality we are telling ourselves daily that we are not worthy of friends. Loneliness loves company, simply because it needs it. We can be loneliness and we truly want company but we cannot see that we've been rejecting the company we desire to keep ultimately serving loneliness once again.

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You can also check out my recent piece “ POISE ZEN ” here: